Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

[Cantbelievethis]

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

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What if he refused to tell them who the child was?

I'm sure the crime reporter would give you the dates information. And s/he can't do a story if you don't give them any information yourself! The only time I've worked next to a crime reporter was years ago on work experience but I do remember him giving brief details of court listings to members of the public who phoned up to ask.

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cod, yes the bloke who has been charged, what if refused to say who the child/children was?

Oh, and I'm very sorry for you, btw, didn't mention that in my previous posts. A teacher from dh's school - one who taught dh - was convicted of sexual assault dating back to dh's time there last year. Huge shock to dh and his friends (fortunately didn't involve any of them or anyone they knew terribly well, but a boy in their year).

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How would they know who the child/children was?

Sorry if I am not making sense, not enough sleep making me a bit neurotic and slightly loopy.

Thank you cod.

Thank you edam, I'll see what advice Cod gives, then try the court, if no joy there I'll try the local paper.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I was going mad, felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall.

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Have read this thread and really feel for you CBT, I don't know if you can find out the date (would try what the MrsJC suggests tho) but felt I should tell you, I took my dad to court for child abuse (along with my sister and step sister), he plead not guilty and we were all geared up to go to court and have to give evidence. I then got a phone call one day to say he had pleaded guilty, got sentenced (no jail time) , and the case was all done and dusted! I know I wasn't the only person who knew him that wanted to see him in the dock (I think a lot of people who knew him had a lot of questions they wanted answering just like you)and felt hugely let down by the whole thing.

I was the main person giving evidence, had had to relive things I had blocked out, had flashbacks etc and all I got was a stinking 30second phone call from my 'family case worker' after it had all happened!

I am not saying this will happen to you, just that although I hope you do get the answers you are looking for, you will never understand his actions and motivations as you are a good person and he is a manipulative, deceitful, liar.

Focus on your dcs and yourself, put your name down for counselling even if you have to wait. When you find out something like this about someone you trust it is like a bereavement of the person you knew and loved, you are grieving and will go through a whole process of emtoions.

Sorry this is happening and I wish you good luck. {hugs}

Hi CBT, have you spoken to your girls yet? asked them if anything happend to them or offered them some kind of counselling?, they will probably need even even if it is just to help them overcome the shock?

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KaySamuals, same happend to me only i didnt get justice, you have to be prepared for the worst CBT, but hopefully these days(for me the non court case was 13 years ago) the legal system wont fail and he will deserve everything he gets.

Hi can't..just come across andread all of your thread. So sorry you are having such on-going concerns and the police haven't been more helpful.

I do have experience in this sort of thing, and wanted to say some things which may assist.

Such men are not attracted to all children, in the same way not all men are attracted to every woman - so it does not by any stretch of the imagination mean that he must have been attracted to your children in an exploitative way.

In addition, when they were growing up, he may well not have had these thoughts and feelings for children...peoples sexuality changes throughout life, and it IS common for such things to emerge in 'mature' men. So those precious times you talk of, and the trust you felt, and dd's love for him, can be authentic, for all concerned.

I do understand the invitation to anxiety, but you will never know now the answers to the questions you ponder. There will be 'no result' as the only person who can do this has proven to be 'unreliable' and perhaps motivated to maintain some rel. with you and may say anything to acheive this. To my reading, you must make a disciplined effort at placing that part of your concerns in a mental drawer marked 'unanswered questions'.

As for the court case, cod is obviously right that 100 images is a very modest amount. If you or dd (why does she wish to go?) do go, prepared to hear of thousands more like. The number ISN'T linked to his level of deviancy - abusive images of children are "traded" in large caches, so a person may only be 'interested' in one or two images, but will be required to receive hundreds to acheive those.

As for 'personal culpability', there is sometimes a hierarchy of offenders whereby 'downloaders' belive themselves to be not so 'bad' as contact-offenders, as they haven't created any victims, as such. The vast, vast majority of 'downloaders' I have come across would balk at the notion of committing a 'contact' offence - it takes a different mind set to do, and means breaking another set of 'taboos' entirely. Hope this provides furhter re-assurance regarding your own little ones, when they were little.

There is such little chance of the CC hearing to be on a Saturday Iwould dismiss it. I don't know how you would find out, apart from asking his solicitor, or trying Court Listings. Courts are public places so they should tell you?

In any event, good luck with it, and I hope you do discover things to put your mind at rest

cod - haven't 'old style' commitals ended now? So it is possible for all ofthe business to be arranged at first CC appearance?? Unless a pre-sentence report is requested, which is highly likely.

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StrawberrySnowflakes, I have spoken to both children, ds was just shocked and refuses to speak about him anymore, I asked him if he had touched him in anyway he said no way, but I have heard people tell about when asked they said "no, I wasn't touched" when they were.

I am more worried for dd, she has always been 'disturbed' and has had mental health problems for most of her life. I have spoken to her at great length about this, she is scared that he did do things to her and she can't remember, she keeps on saying things like "The amount of times I have fallen asleep cuddled up to that man, what if". She now has nightmares about him, about her running away from him, she will be ok most of the time but then she will sob her heart out trying to make sense of it all, trying to remember.

I have told her that maybe there is nothing to remember, that she wouldn't have loved him as much as she did if he had abused her, she did idolise him, had him up on a pedestal, he could do no wrong. She is totally distraught, I have mentioned councelling to her but she won't go, she has had councelling for many, many years in the past to try to find out why she is so troubled and she has had enough and doesn't want to go through the whole councelling thing again. she is an adult now and I can't push her even though I think she needs it.

KaySamuels thank you for being so brave and posting, I am so sorry it happened to you.

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Cod, the court case was in a Magistrates court, it was adjourned until March 3rd when it will be commited to Crown court.

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will do, thanks.

CBT, so sorry your children are going through this, your dd will know you are there for her and now you know what kind of person he is, if something did happen(i sincerilly hope it didnt!), she may feel more comfortable saying something to you, not such a bomb shell as it were?..same for your ds..councelling may not be any good, but you may get some questions shortly as mainly theyll want to know why...all my support to you