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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

210 replies

Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:07

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 10:42

Why would I do that, Secur? I'm not a police officer or the procurator fiscal. But I have NO sympathy for people who look at this stuff (outside of law enforcement officials trying to prosecute) b/c as long as the demand is there - be it from 'curiosity' or addiction- children will continue to be exploited.

It's a criminal offense for a very good reason.

On the one hand, we have all these MNers crying foul at the light sentences given to paedophiles, but now sympathy for those who admit to taking part in paedophilic activities?

FlameBoo · 26/06/2006 10:42

Seriously SM? Out of curiosity, or something you had to do for some reason (court etc)

EvesMama · 26/06/2006 10:42

but..personally..i couldnt have anything to do with him threat of doing something stupid or not, but im biased.
he admitted it..he's not ashamed of it??..something amiss in his mind there

anorak · 26/06/2006 10:42

expat, even though he admitted he looked at it he may not have fully understood what he was clicking on until it was too late.

I would hear him out. Plenty of time to find him guilty after listening.

charliecat · 26/06/2006 10:43

My mum was in the same situation, she found out that a friend who she had known for..30 odd years, who was a loved and trusted family friend had been interferring with all his 3 daughters.
She has never spoken to him, except for hello in the street since and it rattled her completely that she never knew/guessed/suspected ever over all those years.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:43

But who gets caught the first and only time they have looked? I bet they all say that, they have taken away his computers and are looking at them before deciding to charge him or not. I was going to decide what to do then because then I would know if it was a one off. Not knowing for sure if he reguarly uses these sites or not is making the desision so hard.

Phoned him back and told him that ds son has walked in so it would be difficult, I think he is calmer now, he says he understands my anger, I told him I don't hate him but I do hate what he has done. He has an appointment to see a councellor, I think he may be ok.

But I am so angry, how can he do that, then expect me to feel sorry for him when he is caught?

OP posts:
SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:43

ntt - you get arrested if it is free too

puff · 26/06/2006 10:44

My perspective on this is that you must do what feels right for you, but I'm coming at it from the angle of having lost someone v close to me who committed suicide. If I had had an inkling that my Mum was going to kill herself, then there are things I would have done, which would have made the grieving process afterwards slightly less hellish. It's highly unlikely I could have prevented her suicide, but it would have helped me in the long run.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 26/06/2006 10:45

as someone said him committing suicide is not a good way out of this. he clearly sees you as one of the few people he can trust and talk to. you are rightfully shocked and angry, but maybe, you're someone who can help him through all this - and "helping him through" is not just about him. It's about helping to ensure he gets whatever it takes(counselling, a severe fright from the legal proceedings or whatever - I'm not sure) to make sure he doesn;t do this again, nor anything else. The best outcome from all this is that he addresses whatever it was that made him do this, and whilst you don't need to feel like it should be you, and no-one could blame you for walking away, it's very likely that it could be you. If you talk to him and help him you will doing something incredibly worthwhile and important

catsmother · 26/06/2006 10:45

This must be awful for you.

But is "doing it only "once" out of curiousity" a legitimate excuse ?

Why would anyone in their right minds be curious about that sort of thing ? Most people find the thought of it abhorrent and would not dream to seek it out. The drive to seek must surely have come from recurrent thoughts along those lines ..... not a case of being bored one day and thinking "I know, I'll find some child porn".

I could not remain friendly with someone like that even if I was sure he had never harmed my own children.

Sorry to be blunt.

I don't deny this man may be what is considered a "low-grade" paedophile (or whatever the phrase is) but I don't think a close friend is a suitable counsellor or therapist who can begin to understand and/or offer appropriate remedial support. This should be coming from specialist agencies.

EvesMama · 26/06/2006 10:45

securmummy..you didnt do it out of interest, you did it(it seems) for evidence that police required?..im sure they could have done it so save you the trouble, but never the less..you dont seem to have done it for kicks like others have..for police evidence/for personal amusement..two totally different things.

expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 10:46

he got caught, people. he admitted it.

oh, poor paedo, he's so misunderstood.

PARP!

puff · 26/06/2006 10:46

If he has an appointment to see a counsellor - good - you know that he is getting appropriate help and tbh i can't see what more you can do.

FairyMum · 26/06/2006 10:48

True you can come across images of childporn for free or on other sites. However, I do think the police take the computer away and looks at exactly what he has been looking at. I think they can see that you have accessed a "legal" site which happens to contain illegal material. I think most people are arrested because they leave their credit card details behind on some sick site, then they lie and say how they only clicked on link to very innocent site and police came knocking. I don't buy that.

fairyjay · 26/06/2006 10:48

It's the application for a job at a school that worries me. Doesn't it seem a bit too deep? And doesn't everyone caught say 'it was only the once Officer - just curiosity, honest'.

How awful for you CBT. However, as your children are safe, could you perhaps arrange to meet and talk on neutral territory - if you feel up to it.

puff · 26/06/2006 10:49

oh fgs expat, I'm not thinking poor paedo, I'm thinking poor OP who has had the shock of her life and someone threatening suicide to boot.

expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 10:49

'But is "doing it only "once" out of curiousity" a legitimate excuse ? '

Apparently so to a lot of people here, cats.

It's not their child, after all.

I'd better parp myself now b/c I have to say, paedos deserve LIFE IN PRISON w/NO chance for parole and no opportunities to feed their sick sense of 'curiosity' by looking at images of children being exploited.

snowleopard · 26/06/2006 10:50

Cantbelievethis, he may be innocent, but the fact that he applied for an infants' school job as well has alarm bells ringing with me I'm afraid. I would tread very carefully - you could agree to talk to him on the phone but you don't have to have him round (or indeed do anything you don't want to). Remember if he did kill himself it wouldn't be because you "let him" and it wouldn't be your fault.

FairyMum · 26/06/2006 10:50

Parping myself with Expat!

fattiemumma · 26/06/2006 10:51

i must admit to not reading the full thread....just the op and first few responses.

although i fully appreciate how hard it must have been to hear he has done something so vile you must call him. your right to feel sickened by his revelation but you dont want to have his possible suicide on your consience.

as an aside, im a little confused as to what has happened. he admitted to loking at child porn? he said it was just once out of curiosity.
so did he look at 1 picture before deciding that yes it was as vile as he first thought? and then felt so terrible that he had to tell someone? if so then maybe there is some way of salvaging your freindship.

what i dont understand is why he admitted it. if he has been a frequent voyeur and no one knew then why com out now?
i think you need to call him and find out just what it is thats happened. if he is suicidal over it then clearly he has such remorse...or guilt.

there are many men who have peadophilic tendancies but will never ever go near a child and become almost hermit like for fear of harming a child. many kill themselves rather thn admit to what they are feeling as they know it is soo wrong.
if this is the case there is help out there for him. all he needs to do is contact his local Mental health team and inform them of how he is feeling.

please do get in touch with your freind.

snowleopard · 26/06/2006 10:53

fattiemumma you make some good points but please don't make CBT feel any suicide would be "on her conscience"! It would not be. This man got himself into this mess. he is a friend, not a dependant or family member and she owes him nothing. If she's uncomfortable being in contact with him, she doesn't have to be.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:54

But I do feel guilty, what if he does kill himself and I did nothing? I know what he did is so very very wrong but it is so hard to put 'him' and the crime together iykwim. I trusted him 100% with my kids, he is the last person in the world I would have thought would do this.

I feel torn, he was my best friend for 28 years and has stuck by me through thick and thin, but I just can't forgive this, I can't even believe they are the same person.

OP posts:
fairyjay · 26/06/2006 10:56

If he is innocent, would he not be furious and fighting his corner? Trying not to judge, but to try and pile guilt on others such as you CBT is well out of line.

FlameBoo · 26/06/2006 10:56

Sorry - my message was after a few mins waiting for it to load

EvesMama · 26/06/2006 10:56

my own father sexually abused his daughter in his first marrage..divorced and married my mum, then did it to me..im sorry i dont believe people look or do this out of curiosity, theyre children,,whats wrong with womaen/men thier own age?