Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

[Cantbelievethis]

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

It is very hard to access these sites and even more long winded to download to be honest.

Has be been charged?

You must be going through a lot of grief too atm, you have lost a dear friend as well as the trauma of all of this. I'm sure if you explained to the GP he'd bump you up the list?

CBT - sorry I have got caught up in the argument and not your issues here, if you think it would help to talk to someone who has faced teh same questions as you are facing now feel free to CAT me.

Also - on a councilling front, there are usually places where you can get councilling as a woman - they are usually paid for but you get a reduction if you are on low income etc.

He hasn't been charged yet, they are looking at his computers.

They took away his cameras and all of his photos, they even took his Sat Nav.

Thank you Catsmother, Rhubarb, SecurMummy and everybody else who has been so supportive.

I'm still have so many different feelings swimming around my head right now, I think I need to leave this thread for a little while, get a cup of tea and try and straighten out how I feel.

Thank you everybody for taking the trouble to post, I hope you don't think I am being rude ducking out of the thread that I started. I will be back, I just need a little break from it iykwim.

Absolutely ..... looking after yourself right now should be your number one priority.

cantbelievethis what an horrendous situation.

If it were me I think I might reserve judgement until the police have investigated. What if (as someone said) a popup came up and he clicked on it just the once. It sounds highly unlikely but this man has been your best friend for 28 years so I think he at least deserves a chance until you know the fuller picture.

You don't have young kids, it sounds like he didn't hurt your kids (have you asked them?). It could just be a one off and I can't see that it would hurt you in any way to call him and let him talk to you.

However I would equally understand never wanting to see him again if the investigations prove otherwise. I'm sure if they do he will be locked up anyway won't he?

I agree with Rhubarb - what the person has or hasn't done and what we feel about it is beside the point - what matters is what can'tbelievethis is feeling and what she wants to do about it.

Personally I feel a mixture of disgust and pity for the friend but none of us can decide what you should do in this situation, cbt.

ediemcreedie- i was a social worker prior to becoming a SAHM.

It is my experiance from the few cases i have dealt with where child pornography is onvolved that this is how the police work. it has been 2 years since i left..maybe it is diffferent now...or maybe i just dealt with a poor constabulary.

the more i read of this thread the more convinced i am that unfortunatly your freid may not be teling teh whole truth.
He may well have never touche da child himself but by looking at such images he is adding to the demand for such vile pictures to be taken...behind every photo is a distraught child!

BUT more importantly is that you do what you think best. what he has done is unforgivable...not the porn aspect as that is yet to be discovered to what extent...but the fact he has put such an enormous emotional burden upon you.

I hope you are able to speak to someone about what you are goign through. have you considered contacting your local SS? they will have support groups for the families and victims of chidl sex abuse and im sure youw ould be welcome to speak to someone about what you are going through.

what your going through must be just as distressing. i cannot imagine the thoughts of "what if" you must be having regarding his contact with yrou own children. thnkfully it does apear that he has not been anythign but careing towards them and you can at least, put that one doubt out of yo mind.

you have my full support in whatever decision you make.

FM - it is probably that things have changed over the last couple of years - there has been so much publicity about this that forces have had to change their approach. Although it didn't occur to me that perhaps different forces would handle the same case in fundametaly different ways. I would find that to be very frightening if that is the case.

can'tbelievethis - I know how you feel. someone I worked with was arrested for this type of offence, and he was the nicest, kindest most trustworthy man you could ever meet. although he wasn' such a close friend as your's obviously is, I battled for ages with my conscience - you can't stop liking someone after being a friend for such a long time. You hate what they've done, and it makes you realise that you probably never really knew them at all. If he really is suicidal, then that's not your fault, and even being there for him probably won't help much. my friend had someone who stood by him all through his time in prison, and i think this helped, but if he'd been suicidal i don't think it would have stopped him. my thought are with you - it's horrid all round.

Cantbelievethis, I have changed my name for this because I have been in a similar situation as you. However it was my BIL who was discovered to have accessed these sites three years ago. I probably know more about this subject than I ever wanted to so that I could help my Sis and her two young children. It still makes me feel sick to think about what he did and I still don't understand why. He made an attempt on his life while he was staying with us when my sis chucked him out (even then I couldn't let him go on the street and we didn't have DS at the time) but he did finally see sense and got help. He was very lucky to get away with a caution, but even now it has implications on his life. My sis has accepted him back, but that took a long time for me to understand, and I am very careful to keep an eye on the children (fortunately we don't live far away); I think it will always be in the back of my mind. I know it will take you a long time to even speak to him, but maybe in due course, you might be able to. If you want to message me, let me know here.

This is hard. Whilst I totally understand the fury and disgust expressed on this thread I don't think it's helpful. In fact, I think it prevents us from ever understanding the problem more.

IMO people who do this sort of thing (abuse children or look at the pics) are often hurting very badly and trying to make sense of abuse carried out on THEM when THEY were just kids. Labelling them as 'evil' and 'beyond help' is totally unhelpful. It sends out the message no-one will ever understand them let alone try to heal them.

I'm not talking just about the rights of abusers here. I'm saying that if we are ever to reduce this horrible activity we must first understand it and try to become iformed as a community and act according to what we learn.

Rabid fury only drives people further underground.

Easy to say, I know. I once had a long interview with a Paedo (I'm a journo) and had to overcome feelings of hatred and revulsion. I learned so much that day.

I'm sorry for you CBT. It must have been an awful shock. I grew up with a man that abused me and my sister every weekend. He also had pictures of us he took on the beach with our cousins displayed in his house. Now I hate him. But can't tell anyone the reason why. People think he is a lovely man who likes kids, I am not strong enough to tell them any different.

COwardice - .... thats not cowardly!!

I'm afraid that it's not always the case that these men have been abused as children - I know that my BIL hadn't, however, he had been bullied at school. It still doesn't make it excusable. Child pornography is 'child abuse by proxy'. I do agree that these men may be hurting badly and I think that it is the explosion of the internet which has made this filth more widely available than it was even ten years ago.

I think that the worst thing for me was the feeling of betrayal and loss of trust. My BIL was like a brother to me, but his actions have almost split our family and I felt utterly betrayed - I still cannot imagine how my sis felt (even though we've talked endlessly about it). We are very lucky that we are strong and have managed to pull through, although at the time we did wonder how it would all end. Even today, though, there are still times when it comes back to haunt us, and I think it always will.

CBT this is an awful situation and I cannot for a moment understand how you feel, however there are so many things about this situation which rings alarm bells. It may be that you need to get some counselling yourself as some of the other posters have suggested, just to get some persepctive on your own feelings about the situation.

Child porn is not usually something you 'stumble upon' or find by 'accident', it is kept hidden within the internet and it is normally quite a process to get onto the genuine sites. Yes people can be made curious by images on other sites that contain teen models posing as children etc, but most of the genuine stuff is stored away from regular access and you have to pay for the excitement, via complicated web forums, etc. This is why it is normally quite hard for the police to crack peadophile rings. Therefore I think most people who say they have only ever seen one image are lying. This is not like your average mainstream porn which flashes up and can be widely accessed (and I'm not passing judgement on that in this thread either way).

Paedophiles are notoriously clever and need to gain the trust of a whole host of people before the abuse even starts - thats why most paedo's when outed come as such a surprise to the community - parents have to like and trust them to leave their children in their care - therefore they usually have exceptional social skills and are very good at manipulating others into their circle of trust, and this includes so-called professionals, including health visitors, social workers, police staff, etc - as often paedo's target families who are vulnerable these families often have thse types of services involved before the paedo even arrives.

Please don't feel stupid that you didn't see this coming - IF this man is a paedophile he is extremely clever and will be very manipulative. I know it is a difficult situation all-round but if he is a genuinely decent guy, he should understand why you are very wary and why you wish to have boundaries in place and reserve judgement before you know more about what has gone on.

But I do feel stupid, because I trusted him with my kids other people in my Church trusted him with theirs, what if he did things to them because I trusted him?

What if my trust put other kids in danger?

Maggiemoo, yes the betrayal and loss of trust is awful. The strange thing is I am a naturally suspicious person, I don't trust easily. I have only ever trusted a handful of people in my life and then I find out this.

Cowardice, I realy feel for you.

I hope you don't mind my asking but if it came out that he had been looking at this stuff and you were asked, would you feel able to tell then?

I'm just thinking of my children.

The recent increase in raids on those who use child pornography have arisen because I believe the police gained the right to access credit card records of people subscribing to the sites that peddle these obscenities. Many of the sites are US based and interpol have been co-operating much more on the sharing of the credit card information.

As such I think it is highly unlikely that this was a one off occurence!

Someone in my class at school, whose parents are very friendly with my family, was recently found guilty of internet child pornography use. He was a former police officer. He is currently in the clink but won't be there for long as his sentence which would have been for 10yrs was reduced because of some legal technical breach to a mere 18months.

His family are devastated!

I think the posts on the thread are muddling up two different issues - how we feel about the crime and those who perpetrate it, and the terrible situation that the OP finds herself in.

It is incredibly hard to know what to do for the best, but I would like to think that if one of my friends was involved I would try and be an emotional support for them during what will be a terribly frightening time, whilst at the same time being absolutely clear that I found the crime that they had committed totally revolting!

I suppose it is an extention of all that we try and teach our children - it is quite possible to hate the things that they do at times , but still love them absolutely.

In practice, I'm just not sure I could get there - I suspect that my revulsion at the crime would get in the way of any compassion I might feel for the perpetrator

I don't hate him, I do hate what he has done.

I feel totally betrayed by him because all of these years I thought he was someone who he is not. I feel revulsion at what he has done. I keep on thinking what those poor kids must have gone through and will go through for the rest of their lives not only suffering the abuse itself but also knowing that sick individuals have got off seeing the pictures of it happening to them - my heart breaks for them.

It has brought my own judgment into question, I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character but it seems my judge of character is pretty lousy!

I wish I was brave enough to turn my back on him and say "So what you are frightened, those kids were probably terrified, you deserve everything you get" but I also wish I was brave enough to give my friend some emotional support but make it clear how I feel about what he has done.

Give yourself a break here, Cant. Please try. Please, please try to get some counselling. There must be some support out there for people who have been affected by this.

What you don't need is to be made to feel guilty by this man b/c he got caught. That's emotional blackmail and that's not on.