Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

[Cantbelievethis]

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

Agree wholeheartedly with the last 4 posters

You don't get arrested for peeking at child porn only once

you wait til the case goes to court and then you will read about the extent of his crime.

Walk away from him.

For the record you do get arrested for lookng once - and then they look into the extent of it.

Can you imagine the outcry if people said "Oh yes he wasn;t arrested cause it seemed he had only looked at it once"

it's not that no one is arrested after looking once, it's that you are unlikely to be caught at it if you look once...and the number of people who look once must be negligible.

Can'tbelieve, it's just occurred to me that whilst most of us are recommending that you ignore this man, we have maybe underestimated the enormity of the shock you've had.

Instead of worrying about him (sorry, but there are some things where I think "you've made your bed, lie in it") you need to concentrate on helping yourself come to terms with what you've discovered and the sickening feelings it's caused.

Have you considered some sort of counselling yourself ? ..... I am sure your GP would be symapthetic and could refer you on. You must have so many confusing and terrible thoughts spinning round in your head right now .... apart from the obvious, you are also having to contend with (unjustified) feelings of "guilt", justifiable feelings of betrayal and you may also be experiencing feelings of bereavement because, effectively, someone you loved and cared for and thought you knew no longer exists ....

I am so sorry you have been dragged into this by your so-called friend, who, I am sorry, should have to sort out the repercussions of his behaviour on his own (and with appropriately trained professional help).

no Sm you are INVESTIGATED for having looked at child porn. you are only ARRESTED when itis discovered that there is more than an accidental stumbling upon the images.

IE if youtype in teenage bands in the hope of finding out what cd's your dd likes and up pops a kiddie porn image, you switch it off staright away like any right minded personw ould then, althoguh you may get a visit (very rarely) from thepolice they would see that the picture was found whilst looking for soemthing inoccent and that it was removed straight away, not downloaded and not saught again.

IF you typed in Child sex and then visited every site that came up, stopping at each picture on the site for more than say 30 seconds each then you will be investigated and THEN arrested.

there is a difference

lol Zippi - yes that would make life nice and simple wouldn't it.....

Fattiemumma, you seem to be very knowledgable about this but you are actually wrong about how it works. Can I ask how you think you know how it all works?

I agree with catsmother - this is a huge shock for you and you need to talk to someone about it. Possibly your kids too, they must also be thinking "what if?" Forget about the friend for a minute and concentrate on yourself - this is a nightmare for you! Do you have anyone you can turn to?

OK, more has transpired since I last posted.

Nobody gets the police doing this much investigation based on one click, I'm sure.

They've taken his hard drive away?

Doesn't sound good, I'm afraid.

Oh, and for the record, child porn is not something I think is excusable. But nor is knowing someone is suicidal and doing nothing about it.

Catsmother, you have hit the nail on the head, I feel so stupid, how could I have not known? I have known him since I was 12, I actively encouraged the relationship with my kids. They had no father figure, they needed a male role model. How could I have been so stupid?

I feel as if the last 28 years have been a lie, devastated that I let him get close to my kids.

I THINK THE OP NEEDS HELP HERE! THIS IS A HUGE SHOCK FOR HER AND PERHAPS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW SHE DEALS WITH THIS NOW AND FORGET ABOUT THE FRIEND FOR A BIT!

Hunker, FM, you are both wrong! you can andd do get arrested that is arrested for clicking once and then you are investigated - full investigation with all comps etc being taken away.

The reason for htis - if you click once you may have done more, so everyone gets a full investigation no matter how few times it appears thaty have been on!

You are not stupid. You thought you knew him, you had a long and trusting relationship with him, he gave you no reasons to doubt him. This is something you cannot blame yourself for. We have to trust people sometimes, it is always a risk, but we cannot keep ourselves and our families wrapped up in cotton wool. You really do need to talk to someone, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I stand corrected, SM. I am relieved to say I know nothing about this and am sorry for those who do

Fiofio, I don't know how the police found out but apparently they arrested quite a few people that night.

Please don't reproach yourself. The reason that many if not most paedophiles are able to conduct their evil is because they appear so "normal". They become adept at saying and doing all the "right" things precisely so they remain undetected.

Please, please seek help for yourself. I can imagine that such a huge shock like this, if left alone, might be internalised and result in you yourself being genuinely depressed. Your doctor will I'm sure be able to refer you to a suitable counsellor, or, for the moment, have you considered speaking to the Samaritans yourself. They are not just for the suicidal, but for anyone who needs someone to speak to - they are non-judgemental and confidential.

"Fiofio, I don't know how the police found out but apparently they arrested quite a few people that night."

Then, sorry to say, this smacks of a common link ..... personal info found at one source, be it on a website, or maybe in the address book of another paedophile with whom he shared a common "interest". It doesn't sound "accidental".

Catsmother, I have thought about seeing someone, but I know there is a 5 mth waiting list to see a councellor at my GP's.

I know I have parped myself, but it sounds to me like he has paid to view those images. Surely the police has to be either tipped off from somewhere or find traces of his credit card details on site you have to pay for.

Which is why I am questioning his explaination of "it was only once, out of morbid curiosity".

It still hard to believe that we are talking about my friend of 28 years, its like we are talking about someone else.