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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

210 replies

Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:07

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 26/06/2006 10:56

If you can't forgive it, you can't forgive it. And I feel you that's a natural and right attitude to have as a mother, CBT - even though your kids are grown you are sending them the message that if someone you know is involved with something like this, you don't want to know them.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:56

Sadly Evesmama - you need evidence before police will investigate - and yes they did look at it - but only once I could say that yes I believed this to be...etc etc

However, for hte record - it doesn't matter if it was curiosity or not it still feeds the person running the site - does it not? Therefore - I am as guilty as the next person and the only reason I will not be arrested is because the police knew I was doing it and why.

Janos · 26/06/2006 11:00

I really feel for you Can'tbelieve. Do what feels right for YOU, not anyone else, not what you think you should do. No-one here can tell you what to do..but you will get loads of support.

EvesMama · 26/06/2006 11:01

did he 'say' he only did it one?
then who caught him?..friend/police?
and how did they catch him if it was police?
trying not to hang, draw and quarter him here, but v.difficuly..my father also said he would kill himself when i finally spoke out, but unfortunatly he hasnt had the guts to do it yet!

catsmother · 26/06/2006 11:01

Why should this man's potential suicide be on anyone else's conscience ?

Why should he expect ("or else ....") support from someone who has been a good friend for years over something like this, particularly when she has her own children and despite the relief of asking them and finding he never molested them, has now got all sorts of imagined worries and sickening thoughts in her head ?

It's just not fair to put her in that dreadful position.

I am not unsympathetic to the suicidal - I have suffered dreadfully from depression on and off for years - but I do not accept that most suicides should be "on the conscience" of those who could maybe have "done more".

To asy she should contact a paedophile and let him cry on her shoulder in case he otherwise commits suicide is very cruel emotional blackmail.

Let him call the Samaritans who are the most wonderful people in dealing with the suicidal confidentially and in referring callers to relevant agencies if necessary.

This is NOT Cantbelieve's problem and I can't believe that this man is attracting a measure of sympathy from you all. He's feeling sorry for himself, having done a dreadful thing - so f**ng what !!!

And before the "haven't you ever made a mistake" brigade have a go, I have never - and would NEVER - begin to think of making a "mistake" like this. To have been caught his own personal details, probably a credit card, must have been "left" on a site which was later investigated - or, his PC must have been checked after the police received detailed complaints about him. You would not get "caught" by accidentally clicking on something you shouldn't.

Rhubarb · 26/06/2006 11:01

This is so very difficult. I do remember a thread by a regular MNer who changed her name because her brother had been caught looking at child porn. That thread made me think. All my prejudices against these people, all of my anger, but what if it happened to me? What if a member of my family was caught doing this? How would I feel then? That MNer was obviously being torn apart and I often wonder what happened to her and her brother (never found out who it was). It made me realise that these people could be anyone, people you love, people you trust.

But I'm a mother like everyone else. The thought of someone abusing my children, taking pictures of the abuse and then someone else getting off on those pictures fills me with horror and hatred. These are real children who are still suffering, who are still being abused so that others can gain pleasure from it. God knows what life these children lead or how they will grow up, if they ever do grow up .

Remember the Tsunami? Remember how lots of children simply "disappeared" afterwards? Their families died in that awful disaster and then they are picked up by strangers to be sold into sex. Alone, having seen their family die, having narrowly escaped death themselves, they are confused, frightened - imagine people taking advantage of that! These are the children whose images are on those websites, this is where those missing children are.

I think your friend is very ignorant of the suffering that is caused, as are most people who claim to do this out of "curiousity". But I admire you for sticking with your friend. He is a human being after all, someone's son. We cannot just act upon them with rage, that solves nothing. I don't know what you can do in this situation, but you are obviously a very strong and caring person. Your friend is very lucky. For those who condemn, I wonder how they would feel if it were someone they cared for deeply?

You have my support whatever you decide to do.

Pixiefish · 26/06/2006 11:02

Agree with expat. Sympathy for the OP but NONE for the 'friend' who has been looking at child porn.

Also agree that I would have nothing more to do with him.

vitomum · 26/06/2006 11:03

i would also find it very hard to stand by someone who had been doing this. An aboslute prerequisite in my book to offering any support would be that that person was completely and entirely honest about the extent of their activities - to me, the police, counselling etc. That is the only circumstance in which i would be prepared to even consider an offer of support. And by support i do not mean sympathy but probably something nearer to not completely turning my back on them. It's a very difficult situation for you.

waterfalls · 26/06/2006 11:05

EvesMama
I know where you are coming from.

puff · 26/06/2006 11:06

Cantbelievethis - no one can stop another person committing suicide.

You have responded to his text. You have discovered he is getting help. You have explained how you feel about the situation, reasonably, despite quite rightly feeling very very angry and confused.

ggglimpopo · 26/06/2006 11:07

Message withdrawn

puff · 26/06/2006 11:11

Oh bloody hell, I shall parp too!

I have no sympathy for anyone who has become involved in child porn.

However I have massive sympathy with anyone worrying about someone being suicidal, or facing the aftermath of a completed suicide. It's fucking awful.

Oh if life were so simple that we could say "so they want to kill themselves, let em get on with it". I won't care a toss when they are gone. Our brains don't always work like that.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 11:14

Exactly puff, I have no sympathy for him but I couldn't live with myself if he did commit suicide because I turned my back on him.

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 26/06/2006 11:14

TBH and IMO if he's saying he's going to commit suicide it sounds like he looked alot more than just once out of curiosity.

It's his problem CbT, not yours. He wants sympathy from you because he's feeling guilty...and rightly so.

I'll put my head on the line here and say he's not going to do anything stupid, he's just saying it to make you feel bad for cutting him out of your life.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 11:16

The thing is - this person has been a friend for 28 years - that doesn't dissapear just like that, these are real people here, not principles or morals.

TBH, I would expect that given time I would not accept on trust that tis person was innocent, but I also would not be able to drop them just like that either.

As I have said cantbelievethis you need to do waht you can and are comfortable with - and no more.

This person made their own choices so you have nothing to feel guilty about - whatever happend now.

Can you talk to your children - you said they are adults, how do they feel aobut you contacting him? Perhaps their reaction to that would be more telling than anything else?

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 11:19

He says he has ruined his life, been bloody stupid and hurt the people he cares most about (his family, me and my kids), that is why he feels that he wants out.

Still can't give him sympathy though, I hope the councellor can help him, I don't think I can.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 11:19

I'm with catsmother on this. If he's been arrested then this likely wasn't a one off. Anyone clicking on these sites is contributing to an increase in child porn.

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 11:20

It's not your problem, it's his. Of his own making.

zippitippitoes · 26/06/2006 11:20

nobody has the right to say that they will commit suicide because you won't pity them or give them time.

Don't be pressured.

Ask him to contact the Samaritans or a similar listening organisation.

Only counsel him yourself if you feel qualified to do so.

Highly unlikely that he offended only once and was caught..was he in Operation Ore?

crunchie · 26/06/2006 11:20

catsmother I don't think the 'FRIEND' is getting sympathy, rather the OP. She has been put into a terrible position where she does feel torn by her friend.

Personally I don't buy the 'once' thing out of curiosity, as any normal sane person would know it is illegal and therefore could be caught. I do believe that the 'FRIEND' is being v v selfish trying to threaten suicide to a someone he cares about. I am not hugely sympathetic to people who threaten suicide TBH - sorry as I do not believe most of them actually mean it, they are attention seeking and trying to create a diversion, and trying to test friends and family.

Can'tbelive I do think you need to talk to your friend and explain EXACTLY how you feel, if it helps write it down. I would explain how you feel about his crime and about how he has behaved (eg threats) I would tell him exactly what you are or are not prepared to do for him (spend time/be his friend or not)

Personally I would do this to alleivate the guilt you feel, as this is IMHO as bad as what he has done IYKWIM. How dare he put his suicide onto you, that is SELFISH.

As it is he probably won't kill himself, I doubt he would have threatened if he had only looked 'Once' out of 'curiosity' he knows what he has done and he probably knows more will come out, hence the threats IMHO

Tortington · 26/06/2006 11:22

i am sorry you are going through this.

i would not entertain any friend who had admitted to doing this.

i would not read texts. i would change number. i would change home phone.

28 years - and you didn't know. thats becuase manipulation is a tool. dont be manipulated - stay back and keep away. do not get trapped into feeling guilty. theres a line - for me- that anyone cannot cross.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 11:23

CBT - the thing that I would be up against here is that all the things an "innocent" person says are the same as a guilty person says who are trying to cover up IYSWIM, I totally understand taht you feel tha tyou canno thelp him. TBH what is important here is not his situation but yours, you need to feel that you have done what you are happy with and that you can walk away from this awful situation as satisfied as possible that you will not have to look back.

fattiemumma · 26/06/2006 11:25

having read some more of the thread it appears he has been arrested...thast why he admitted it?
i agree that if he has admitted it then it is likely this was not a one off and he certainly hasn't looked at just the one picutre.

i also wanted to add that i dont think CBT SHOULD feel guilty about anythign this man does...just that it is human nature thats he WILL. of course yuo have done nothing wrong CBT and nothing this freind does is any reflection on you. it is wrong of him to put suich emphasis onto you when you are already having to deal with the stress of his revelation. i just meant that if you dont contact him you will forever have that nagging "what if..." in your head and that would be unfair. by speaking to him you can clear any doubt from your mind that there was anythign you could have done.

My sincere apoligies if it came across in such a way.

catsmother · 26/06/2006 11:26

Cantbelieve ..... if and it's a very big if he were to do something stupid, it would not be because you had rejected him.

He is feeling depressed because of what he's done and presumably because the implications of being discovered - such as friendships altering, jobs, future career prospects etc - are beginning to hit home.

You are not qualified - literally or emotionally - to offer support to someone who is apparently suicidal because of something like this. It would be entirely different if you had a normal friend who was depressed and whom you were avoiding speaking to. Then, I could understand you might later feel guilty.

He is being terribly unfair to place you in this position. No matter, it is emotional blackmail to imply directly or otherwise that he will commit suicide if you do not talk to him. And I'm sorry to be blunt again but most genuinely suicidal people do NOT make such threats. They either get on with it or gradually claw themselves back from feeling so desparate one way or another.

The best thing you can do is to refer him to his GP and the Samaritans.

Strikes me he may be seeking your "forgiveness" or else ......

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 11:27

My kids were shocked, ds son said that he must have had a moment of insanity!

It makes me feel sick that over the years he has taken photos of my kids on days out and birthday parties, in the paddling pool etc. The police took them away when they arrested him, the 'what ifs' are spinning around my head!

I still don't know if the police will want to talk to my kids about him. I keep fluctuating between anger and floods of tears.

OP posts: