Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

182 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 21:49

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me nicely...one ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 22:58

Anyone...?

OP posts:
stargirl04 · 01/09/2013 23:00

It sounds as though you are tolerating bad behaviour from the start, but then don't we all? I certainly have!

How old are you Velvet?

patienceisvirtuous · 01/09/2013 23:02

I don't think it's a case of you going wrong. I just think there are a lot of fuckwits out there.

mcmooncup · 01/09/2013 23:03

Possibilities.....

  1. You expect too much.
  2. Your twat radar is off kilter.
  3. You are emotionally unavailable yourself

Hard to say....

What attracts you to particular men?

flipchart · 01/09/2013 23:07

Actually, no, we don't all tolerate bad behaviour.

I have cancelled many dates when I was younger because of possible red flags.

My friends were often surprised when I refused to go out with certain blokes because 'they are so good looking' 'they are loaded' etc.

I watched how they behaved with other people and then decided if they were worth going out with me.

Set your standards high in the future Velvet.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 23:08

I'm 41.

Not all were bad from the start, but ultimately none seemed to value me, or make as much effort for me as I did for them.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 01/09/2013 23:12

"make as much effort for me as I did for them"

That's interesting......that's a really co-dependent thing to say.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 23:14

What attracts me...looks, personality. It varies. I don't have a particular type any more.

In terms of settimg my standards high, tbh I just don't attract men who are rushing to treat me well.

A colleague was telling me recently about when she was dating several men at the same time a few years ago, and they were all buying her presents, running round after her etc.

I've never had one man do that, let alone several at the same time.

OP posts:
mrscynical · 01/09/2013 23:17

From the first whiff of you being more interested in them than they are in you then dump. It will only get worse and worse otherwise. And being like this is weirdly empowering.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 23:31

To be honest as soon as they start being less interested they dump me fairly quickly. Or put me in a position where I have to dump them.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 01/09/2013 23:41

"...and they were all buying her presents, running round after her etc."

I've always thought that was a bit over the top, buying stuff, acting all needy and clingy. Presents are fine when in a relationship, but I wouldn't be buying gifts when dating.

I blame Madonna's Material Girl song for my way of thinking. Smile

Diagonally · 01/09/2013 23:42

You sound like you care too much about the dumping when in fact if they are not for you, then the dumping bit should be the best bit

Do you ever finish things with people who don't meet your standards?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 23:47

The present buying doesn't bother me really - I've only ever had 2 birthday presents from ex's, so I'm far from materialistic. It's just an example of making an effort for the other person, not about the value of the item but taking time to find/ choose it etc.

I have been the one to end things many times, all my long term relationships were ended by me.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 01/09/2013 23:57

"It's just an example of making an effort for the other person, not about the value of the item but taking time to find/ choose it etc."

Yeah, I can understand that. Smile

Diagonally · 01/09/2013 23:58

If that's the case wrt exs + presents you are not dumping early enough

stargirl04 · 02/09/2013 00:03

A colleague was telling me recently about when she was dating several men at the same time a few years ago, and they were all buying her presents, running round after her etc.

A few years ago I had four dates, and they were all lovely! Men can soon pick up on the fact that you're not overly interested or have too much invested in them. Why would you be when you're having so much fun?

Never underestimate the power of a bit of mystery and elusiveness.

Do you think you may come across as too serious, too earnest or too keen? Do you talk about your previous romantic disasters? Do you ring them or send unsolicited texts?

Whatever... take heart, Velvet. A friend of mine didn't meet her DP till she was 52, and told me that all of her previous relationships were a total disaster. She's blissfully happy now, and seven years on she and her DP are the most compatible couple I know.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/09/2013 00:05

But however early I do or don't dump them, they've still treated me badly - I can perhaps stop that earlier (although in recent years I rarely get beyond 1-2 dates anyway) but it's still not going to find me men who treat me well...

OP posts:
lilithtime · 02/09/2013 00:16

How/where are you meeting these guys? What do you go for initially?

LessMissAbs · 02/09/2013 00:22

There are so many men out there whose behaviour is just awful. I don't why, maybe its the way they are brought up.

I haven't been treated badly by men, in fact the opposite, and I tend to be pretty nasty to those that attempt it, or for whom I think might be what I term "dodgy" in any way. So my advice is to be pretty nasty to them, then when you do favour them with a small bit of attention, they are flattered.

So many women run around after men, suppressing what they really think, in order not to put them off.

Red flags for me, which have proved pretty reliable -

  • multiple pms on Facebook (most likely they are doing it to other women)
  • stupid endless texts (they're either control freaks or attention seekers - decent men ask you out on nice dates, end of)
  • bad skin (infallible - I don't mean spots necessarily, just rough unhealthy skin that indicates a rough, unhealthy lifestyle)
  • secrecy - indicates presence of long term girlfriend/wife
  • strange unexplained dissapearances - ditto

Being good at something, or some talent, attracts a lot of men.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/09/2013 00:23

In the past I have met men through friends, at parties, in the pub etc.

In more recent years it's been mainly via online dating.

What attracts me would be looks to an extent (not that they are all massively good looking, but something attractive to me about them) and personality, some sort of spark, something in common.

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 02/09/2013 00:27

I think it's impossible to say really without meeting you.

Either they do treat you badly and it's something in you that is attracted to or will out up with people who will do that.

Or you interpret normal being pissed off with someone who's not right for you, as being 'treated like crap'.

Or it's just random bad luck.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/09/2013 00:27

I'm not sure I'd get very far being nasty to men tbh, I'm not exactly overwhelmed with interest at the moment while I'm being nice enough, but not a doormat. I suspect if I was nasty I'd get no interest at all!

I have a very good job, I am successful and solvent, have a nice house - if anything that seems to put men off, not attract them.

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 02/09/2013 00:28

In more recent years it's been mainly via online dating

Ah.

Try mountain biking. Seriously!

And when I was single, I would never date someone who didn't have the same educational level as me, same hobbies and same aspirations. Its actually stood me in good stead. DH and I are very happy, and there were only nice boyfriends before him.

LessMissAbs · 02/09/2013 00:29

If they're going to treat you badly, you might as well be nasty to them.

Ignoring pms, texts, etc is very liberating. As is just saying one liners such as "No, I'm too busy".

Bant · 02/09/2013 00:35

And if they make a mess, hit them firmly on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. But don't forget to give them biscuits when they're good...