Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

[Catwoman12]

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...


How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it

Help, lovely mnetters xx

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

I have found writing all the things i would like to say in rant on MN and then saying feck it helps.you get to write. you get response. usually cheering. and he gets to know nothing of your painwhich is as it should be.

[Catwoman12]

DC in bed, just me and my thoughts, wish I could switch off...

He will be coming tomorrow for the larger items he couldn't take today, if I could physically carry them to the door I would but I can't, we have a baby on the way, so we will have to have some sort of contact, with each other, even though it will be little, we still have a lot to buy before the babies arrival, should I try and discuss what we do tomorrow? Should I discuss payments, appointments and all other baby related things tomorrow? Or will i not ask him for a Penny? It's so hard, I almost wish i had fallen out of love, that would make it so so so much easier, less pain and grief.

Once baby is here, naturally baby won't be leaving me in the first while, but how long will it be until he can take baby away, what would you say is reasonable?

He didn't have any names he liked for baby when we were together, do I still concern him with helping me make the decision? Am I giving him too much choice? Am I being too kind?

Xx

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Choosing a name is probably more responsibility than he can handle

Absolutely he should help pay for baby items.
Make a list of what is still required so you have a starting point for working out what he should pay. make it a long list.

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Don't expect or give him anything you don't want to OP. He can find out in all good time anything you want him to know.

I know you are entitled to ask him for contributions towards the baby and he as the father is entitled to know his DC.

But at the moment if you can manage, I would cut all contact while you draw breath.

Let your Mum & Dsis tell anyone and everyone what has happened, no need for you to feel embarrassed it isn't a situation of your choosing.

[Doha]

chose the name you like-he forfeited that right when he left today. Will the baby have your surname?
Give him a list of what you expect him to buy before the baby is born.
I would keep contact to a minimum but it sounds like he won't be banging on your door anytime soon for contact.
Tell who you want to tell, you have not failed in this relationship-he has. He will waken up one day and realise what he had and what he threw away-by that time you will have moved on and will got give a flying fuck about him--roll on that day.
Tonight get yourself to bed and try to sleep.

[Ruprekt]

You have done brilliantly Catwoman.....well done.

[Catwoman12]

Doha, the baby was to have his name, although I am aware this gives him more rights if done, I'm not for taking those rights away, I just need to think of what's best for the baby and leave my feelings to one side..

No your right, he won't be banging on my door any time soon, he will keep away, I'm sure I haven't heard anything from him or his parents since he left this afternoon, not expecting to either, laying in bed just now, sad that I have no one to cuddle up to or say the simple "I love you" to before I go to sleep, small things that kill me the most...

One if the DC when I was tucking up for sleep said "mummy why isn't X here anymore, why doesn't he want to live with us anymore?" ugghhhh

[Lioninthesun]

You choose a name you like - as previously said he gave up that right. My ex didn't like the name I chose for DD (after turning his nose up at about 20 others as he had slept with girls of the same name, mostly!) and he sent me some horrible messages about the name to try to put me off it. I stuck fast and after she was born he actually said it suited her and he loved it. He just wanted the power of making me change my mind it seems. If he doesn't have any contact you don't want to feel he had that kind of input either.
Personally I think talking about money and furniture etc for the baby tomorrow will inflame him. It might be better to leave that for a few days at least. I you feel you have to then mention that the financial situation is that he will still be responsible but leave it at that (don't explain or go into detail - he will work it out) as he needs to understand he doesn't get away 'scott free' so to speak, but you don't want him running home to his parents saying you were screaming for money!
Do you have some close friends you can spend some time with? RL support is great for making you feel normal again - some old friends perhaps?

[cloudskitchen]

Hi Catwoman

I think you are doing so well. You are stonger than you think you are that's for sure.

Does x have the type of surname you can use as a middle name for the baby. That way the names in there and can be used in the future (or yours if you decide to use his surname? ) If it were me I would want my dc to have my surname if my partner wasn't resident.

all the very best x

[Catwoman12]

Lion, yes your probably right, it will be too soon, pushing for answers is one of my weak points, I will try and hold off for now it's so hard!

Clouds, thank you, I certainly don't feel strong, but hey, once you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Right?

I think I will be giving baby his surname, just because I think the baby deserves a start to life without myself or x being selfish and petty, I won't deny my child that... His surname is not something to be used as a middle name, my other DC have their fathers name also.

I feel sad, I made him my world and slowly but surly cut my friends out, obviously subconsciously, but now I will have to gain new friends, which will be hard, how do I meet friends

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

I really regret giving my dcs their fathers name and if i could change it now i would but as he is on the birth certificate i cannot change t without his permission. Them having his name is just a reminder of how little he does for them. and i get sick of people calling me Mrs HisSurname.

I am glad though that the deal we did was his surname i choose the first names.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

New baby ideal time to meet New friends. ante natal group. in the hospital. playgroup. school gates. People are happy to chat to someone with a New baby.

[iloveweetos]

I agree with mrsmink. I really regret giving my dd her dads surname. Very frustrating at times. Think alot about it and then think some more because once it's done it's really hard to change.

[Catwoman12]

I will definitely think about it, but I do owe it to my unborn that father is on birth certificate, my other DC father is on theirs, everything is so difficult wish I had a crystal ball...

My DM just called to make sure I was ok and not wallowing in self pity, she has asked me to go and stay tomorrow night, I think I will, it's a tight squeeze but I think I could do with the company....

[Bogeyface]

What about registering your child with your surname and then changing it by deed poll to your ex's name?

Sounds odd but.....if your child wants to keep its fathers name then it can, all is legal. But if he turns out to be a dick who the child doesnt want to be associated with then he can have the deed poll revoked.

[missedith01]

What surname to use and whether to name the father on the certificate are two separate issues, you know?

[Catwoman12]

Oh fuck, I've just woken up and the cold face of reality has hit me like a tone of bricks

It's as if I was just floating yesterday and since waking up and realising he's not next to me, really just fucking kills thoughts are buzzing round in my head, ones id rather not have, like, how can I get him back, (even though I know I can't/shouldn't) where did I go wrong, maybe if I don't x, y or z differently... Oh fuck. Please give me a pep talk... I'm only writing here to stop myself messaging him, being weak,


Best of it is, I'm so tired, I really need to go back to sleep, DC don't need grumpy mummy tomorrow(today) I owe them that...

[temporarilyjerry]

You do know that it wasn't you that went wrong, don't you? This is about a weak, immature man who can't handle the responsibility of fatherhood, in contrast to you, a great mum. All you posts scream out your love for your DC. Focus on taking care of yourself and your little ones.

It's so good to read about the support you are receiving from your family. Lean on them for rl support, but know too that there is an army of 'vipers' on here who are in your corner.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

If you put him on the birth certificate he has to go with you but you can still give the baby your surname.

[FlatCapAndAWhippet]

cat dd's father was like this when I was pregnant, in fact we split up twice during my pregnancy. My worst decision was to accept him back, I ended up leaving him when dd was 2. He could never deal with the responsibility of family life, was too used to doing his own thing, too selfish and too much of a child to have one of his own. I really wanted the happy family life with him but the reality of it is that we are much more of a happy family without him. I left him four years ago and believe me, I say this from the bottom of my heart, knowing your pain at the moment, you will get through it and life will be wonderful.

[FannyMcNally]

Please think about the surname at another time. It's not selfish or petty to give the child your surname and also what you have done with your other DC regarding names is irrelevant. I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate either. It just saves you having to collude with him later regarding decisions about your child. One day at a time, go to your mum's and try to have a decent night's sleep. Do your DC know about him yet?

[AnyFucker]

Don't contact him. If you do, you will be back here in a couple of months but this time with a baby and even more devastated than you are now

It's you and your DC, love

Millions of women do it, and you can too

This man brings nothing to your life but worry and hurt, waiting for the next time he decides you are not good enough for him

It's him that's not good enough for you

[gigglekicks]

Another thought on surnames, as have been researching for my own life...

From what I can tell, a mother can change a forename (first,middle) without a fathers permission, but not the surname. For that, she must have the fathers permission (because he has Parental Responsibility). So you could give his surname as a second middle name for example and remove it at any point if you regret it.

Also, you could give your baby your surname from birth, and if you regret it, you can (with his father's support which I would imagine he would give) change it to his at a later date. If you give your baby his surname from birth, and then regret it, you will be stuck with it unless he gives permission to remove it, and though you could go to court, a court is very unlikely to grant you permission to remove a father's surname.

As other have said, sep issue from birth certificate, and you have to live with the name on a daily basis for a very long time.

Sorry to get so heavy on the techy details at this point, I was in the same position you are 9 years ago (and VERY glad he left now) but regret my decision on the name and which I had thought about it more before I had the emotions that come with a new born.

[gigglekicks]

*wish not which