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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

212 replies

Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 10:39

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...

How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have HmmConfused

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it Sad

Help, lovely mnetters xx

OP posts:
Doha · 31/08/2013 14:11

vile vile vile repulsive man
He really needs to go, you can't see out the final days of your pregnancy with these threats hanging over you.
Take control and retain some dignity, do not beg-get him gone NOW.

FannyMcNally · 31/08/2013 14:14

You are going to have a few unhappy weeks but that's nothing compared to the unhappy years that were on the cards. Look forward to the happy event that will be the birth of your baby, being with people who love you and you won't miss that selfish person who doesn't give a shit. He will be the one missing out.

Have you told him not to be there when you return? Hope you found the courage to do so.

Leverette · 31/08/2013 14:15

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CajaDeLaMemoria · 31/08/2013 14:18

Text him and tell him to be gone before you get home.

Don't let him call all the shots. It'll be a huge regret if you do. You can't change this, so you need to accept it and be in the driving seat. What will be will be, but for now, take control and stop him from destroying you bit by bit.

Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 14:23

I wish I had the strength you are all suggesting, I am a coward, I'm scared, the pain of this all is soul destroying. I wish I could pack and send him on his way, I wish I could stand up and be strong and independent I guess my self esteem being as low as it is is somewhat stopping me...!

OP posts:
IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 14:29

He is a man child. You got pregnant together and NOW he is freaking out. Too late!

Get angry. He deserves it. Fwiw I think he led the, ahem, single life while away. That is really something to kick him out for.

Leverette · 31/08/2013 14:35

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Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 14:38

His family, yes I frequently talk with them, Not so much visit, don't think they will be very much a shoulder to cry on for me...

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 31/08/2013 14:41

He is absolute pondlife for undermining you because you had a panic attack. Sad

Now. The great thing about self-esteem is, you don't have to feel brave and angry and all those other magnificent things. All you have to do is act it.

If you take Caja's suggestion, for instance - it isn't hard to send a firmly worded text. You can be blubbering all you like when you press send - he won't know!

Then if he is still there when you get home, you can have a wording ready - "You said you are leaving me, I would like you to leave now." and just keep repeating it. Don't engage with him, don't have another conversation about his needs or your mental health, don't ask him where he's going or what you should do to help him go - not your problem any more. Just be a robot, keep repeating that he has said he is going so he should go.

Then have a large Brew and call someone to come and stay with you.

worriedathome · 31/08/2013 14:43

My DP done this to me 3 weeks ago and it has been the hardest time of my life. I made the situation worse by begging and not looking after myself. Now I am at home with a raging chest infection from not looking after myself and he is very detached.

You look after yourself and that baby of yours you are the main priority and have to make sure you are ok. Do not compromise and let yourself think you are in the wrong, be strong it does get better. And when he wants to come back make sure you think seriously about whether this is what you want. PM me if you just need someone to talk to unfortunately there are many of us who have been through this

AnotherStitchInTime · 31/08/2013 14:44

Yes get angry.

Good lord he is a shit with no compassion.

You have done this before, it will be hard, but you can do it.

You and your children deserve better than this.

Please speak to your family and friends and also your midwife so that everyone can rally round and support you.

If you are out now then send him a text telling him to get his stuff together and be gone by the time you get back.

MadBusLady · 31/08/2013 14:46

Meant to say also - it doesn't matter how much you cry really, so long as your message is consistent. So don't think that just because you're a bit of a mess today it means you have low self-esteem and have lost the battle. It really doesn't matter how upset you are, or what he thinks of you being upset - if you are consistently through the tears telling him to get out, ultimately he will have to bloody do it.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own together?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 31/08/2013 14:49

Of course you panicked! Your partner told you he was leaving you weeks before you are due to have your first baby together! Who wouldn't panic?

I also cannot believe he was annoyed with you for waking him at almost midday to discuss the fact that he told you he was leaving you

He really is the most unbelievable cunt. Awful, hideously selfish individual. And I would bet my last fiver that he cheated on his little holiday.

Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 14:49

Worried- you are still togerher? If so are you making it better or?

I haven't told anyone in RL just now, I want to get it straight in my own head first,

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 31/08/2013 14:49

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat worriedathome. Hope you (and others) are looking after yourself now Brew

bestsonever · 31/08/2013 14:53

For every man who does things like this there seems a woman who has low self-esteem. Coincidence? I think not, because people with self respect would ditch the dead meat at the first instance and move on to the next nicer supportive man such as your Dsis has found.
Shitheads know that they need to chip away at self-esteem so that their entitled behaviour will become tolerated.
How was your self-esteem before you met him? If not much higher, this is why you ended up with a wrong-un'. You need to work on building yourself before you can spot the wheat from the chaff. So get rid, build your own life, you can and will do it. Being on your own is not so bad and is always far better than being stuck with a wrong one that treats you like crap.

MadBusLady · 31/08/2013 14:53

Catwoman, it is really important that you tell people IRL. Two reasons. One, it gets you emotional and practical support when you really, really need it. Nobody should have to go through this alone, and particularly not 8mo pg. Two, it blows the whistle on this bastard to your family and friends. He shouldn't get away with being this much of a shit. Don't hide HIS shameful behaviour, it only protects him, not you.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 31/08/2013 14:55

My ex left me for another woman when I was four months pregnant. Said he couldn't deal with the responsibility, despite DS being planned, ffs. He's never, ever bothered with DS. It was hard. Pregnancy on my own was lonely. No-one to help once DS was born, doing it all myself. But I did it. And so can you. You don't need this abusive arsewipe of a man in your life. God knows what he's doing going on a lads holiday when you're in late pregnancy anyway - that would have been a huge red flag for me. His attitude to your panic attack is disgusting. His attitude to you is disgusting.

I'd be willing to bet he's still there when you get home, ready to give you more abuse, blame and hassle. Is the house in your name? Get him out. Really, I bet your mental health would improve massively without him around causing you all this stress.

wheredoistartmrs · 31/08/2013 14:59

.

worriedathome · 31/08/2013 15:00

No we are not together at the moment. I begged so mmuch but seeing him be so inconsistent with our child just made me realise that he has the problem. He presented it as having a break and I became angry as tbh I have never ever had a chance to have a break from life.

You will become stronger and will start to see things and then there are days you think how on earth will you do it alone, but it sounds like you have been for a while anyway.

You became upset had a panic attack you are well within your rights to get upset do not allow him to turn it back on you.

Get organised plan out how you are going to do things and if there are moments when you need a cry have it just ride every emotion and deal with it. Things will get better but you just have to try. I really do hope you have good support around.

Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 15:01

My self esteem was already considerably low... From previous relationship Confused x

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 15:08

Did you post a few weeks ago - prior to him going on holiday?

Either way, this guy is a shit. You are full of pregnancy hormones and it's a terrible time to be going through this, but you will be better off without him once your sort yourself out x

Lweji · 31/08/2013 15:11

He is clearly not worth you.
You are a caring mum, he just wants to get out of his family responsibilities.
Holiday by himself indeed...

I suspect you will be better off without him.
Who do you think will take care of the baby, even if he's there?

Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 15:12

Kitty, the house is mine, he moved in with me, I have my own money and I know I can cope if I have to, I just don't want to be alone Confused

I honestly couldn't tell you if I thought he was going to be there when I get back, won't be till after 6..

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 31/08/2013 15:12

Please please remember that you're feeling vulnerable anyway because you're preg. You're self esteem will be even lower anyway, not to mention hormones etc. In 6 months time you'll see this so differently.....you feel needy because you're about to have a baby but just imagine yourself in a years time without him.....you'll be flying. Who the HELL does he think he is putting you through this???? Get angry op. Get angry for the baby. Use that anger to get your strength.
Even if you want to stay with him....showing strength now can only help the situation....he needs to know you will not tolerate this cuntish behaviour.