Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

[Catwoman12]

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...


How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it

Help, lovely mnetters xx

[Catwoman12]

Thanks again ladies,

Can't stop thinking about it all

RE: me feeling it was my fault, is something I know I shouldn't be feeling but I can't help but think what I could have, should have done differently... It's tough to feel like a failure.

I have just checked one of his social networking pages, and last night he looked in to "sexy selfies - Australia" and "Nude sexy women 18+" FFS this angers me, he's just left his pregnant partner and this is what he thinks about searching and looking for?!

Not going to mention it to him, I don't want him thinking I'm bothered, but I am bothered and the truth is it kills me to think these other naked women give him some sort of pleasure I couldn't

[OrmirianResurgam]

Horrible, spineless excuse for a man!

So very sorry catwoman x

[Catwoman12]

he is, isn't he

[FlatCapAndAWhippet]

I'm another that deeply regrets giving dd xp's surname, I've double barrelled his with mine but never the less she's stuck with it until she can choose for herself. I feel I've let her down slightly.

Think long and hard about it.

[Catwoman12]

Ladies, what are the things I may regret if I give my DC his name? Just curious, all I can think is access rights etc?

Just waiting on him coming for the rest of his belongings, feeling anxious...

Been having a look online at counselling for myself, does anyone think I would benefit from it? Has anyone gained anything from counselling before? Should I tell him I am looking in to counselling?

X

[CoffeeOne]

He can still be named on the birth certificate and have parental responsibility without the baby having his surname. For me, in these circumstances, I would want to baby to have my surname as I would be their main carer and closest family. I would feel like giving the baby his surname is a privilege that he no longer deserves.

[AnyFucker]

Book the counselling but don't tell him. Tell him absolutely nothing at all. What you do is not his business now (and vice versa, sorry)

Love, do you think you are so keen to use his surname for the baby because
a) it will please him, and you would do anything to get in his good books
b) you still have hopes there will be a happy ending and he will suddenly snap out of twatdom

Be honest with yoursrlf

[Vivacia]

Agree with those questions, what are the reasons for using his surname?
Do the counselling. Don't tell him, in fact, keep it completely secret from him.

[Xales]

Giving your child his name does nothing. Him being on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. Again this has nothing to do with access.

His child will have to same rights to a relationsh

[Xales]

oops bloody phone.

His child will have the same rights to a relationship with him without either his surname or him being named on the birth certificate.

[temporarilyjerry]

If you are not married, he will need to register the child's birth with you to be put on the birth certificate. Is this something you want or think he will do?

[Catwoman12]

I'm not opposed to giving my baby my name, I just have never really thought about it, I just though having the fathers surname was the 'normal' thing to do...

He's not turned up for his things, nor has he contacted me to tell me he isn't coming.. I guess this shows a lot to me, and he no doubt will be like this from now on, a let down, and a coward.

So annoyed

[Catwoman12]

Temp- yes I would have thought he would want his name on the birth certificate, but I don't even feel like I know him anymore

He has never said he doesn't want to be in DC life...

[mrsnegative]

I bet he doesn't want to pick them up because once he does then he has no "right" to come to your house.

More game playing. Twat he is.

Hope you're ok, I've been reading since your OP and I think that once this baby is born you'll have something so much more amazing to focus on

[iwantanafternoonnap]

I really regret DS having ex's name and I hate the fact I am reminded of that wanker whenever I say my sons last name. I really wouldn't do it.

Sorry you are going through this and hope you can stay strong. xxx

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

I often want to say we are a team..team {oursurname} but we don't have the same surname. and bottom line, he does not deserve for them to have his name. he sees them for a few hours per week max. he is not bringing them up or making them part of his family. them having his name gives him credit he has not earned.

[Enb76]

My DC has her father's name on her birth certificate, I don't regret it at all. He may be a shit as far as you are concerned but don't deny him the opportunity to be a decent father. Your child is separate to this relationship, a being created by both of you. He may well not be the best dad but he may also be a brilliant dad - you don't know yet. Beyond all the hurt there is still the fact that he is the father of your child. That decision was made a long time ago. It may sound awful but the fact he doesn't want you doesn't mean he doesn't want the child. I would do everything to allow him access after the child is born though god knows it's hard. Been there, done that. My child's father turned out not to be the person for me but he's an amazing dad and I can't take that away from him. Give him the opportunity to be the same. Men are human too.

[Catwoman12]

Enb, I agree with you, as much as he has been a cunt to me, I reckon he will do the right thing, and be a good dad...

After us emailing tonight, he said all the right things, some harder to take than others, he told me; he will be there for his DC, he does care for me, but he does not want to be with me, he will support me financially and has set up a weekly direct debit, if I need him to take me to purchase baby items, or build them, he will do it, he and his family will help me no matter what, he feels horrible for what he has done but doesn't think putting me through misery is fair and by him leaving he is able to leave the relationship but still be a father. He wants to attend the birth. He wants to be as involved as he can be, as involved as I will allow, he is sorry he has caused me heart ache, he is sorry he has hurt me...

Basically he wants to make it clear, he will be there for our son, he will not be there for me, I couldn't ask for more tbh, he has said all the right things, I hope he follows through, I cannot help how I feel though, I am so heartbroken to hear I was not good enough, I was not enough for him, I will need to learn to put my feelings aside and learn to know that him not being there for me is not him not being there for our son, I wish he loved me, I wish he was sorry, he is sorry but he doesn't want me, that is inevitable, god it makes it hurt so much, he is being dignified about the situation, and here's me crying my eyes out, heartbroken and gutted. Life couldn't feel much lower, it's hard to differentiate my feelings for him, I hope I can be strong, and not become jealous or vindictive, I hope I can move on as gracefully as possible.


God this is tough

[Enb76]

Well done you. It's not that you were not good enough for him, it's that you weren't right for each other. This has to be better now than years down the line when you both hate each other. I imagine it's a bit impossible to believe at the moment but it's much better that he's gone. It will be tough, the first three months after the baby is born will be the hardest and you'll want the baby to be all yours and you will hate and resent him being involved and if I were you, I'd warn him now to expect it because you may not be able to help taking it out on him - but it'll get better, you'll get through it

I think you need to up your esteem a bit though. You are more than good enough and you don't need a man to validate that; know it in your heart. I wish you every happiness.

[AnyFucker]

He has been quite clear with you now, love. I am very sorry. You have to let him go.

Please consider very carefully whether you feel he should be at the birth. In that room with you should only have people that truly love and support you for you not just because you are a receptacle delivering his child (sorry to be blunt)

[Catwoman12]

Indeed he has AF, which makes it very hard, the cold face of reality has struck and its up to me to deal with it as dignified as I can, these next few
Weeks / months will be the hardest ones to conquer, but I need to realise, he does not want me, he wants our son. Makes me feel sick but you can't make someone love you. No matter how many people I have to support me, it doesn't make it easier, I wish it did. My mother came and brought take away for us tonight, she tried to fight back the tears, but feels every inch of hurt I feel, this is the harsh reality of how hurt we all are.....

Gotta make it better, going to have to grieve the relationship, and move on.

Hopefully the counselling gets back in touch tomorrow, and I can start tht up asap. I had a call from one I had emailed, but they have a 6-8week waiting list, I would much rather be seen in the near future

Thank you all for your kind words, wisdom and motivation. You have all been so kind, I will still be here day to day writing my feelings and emotions, better that contacting him, I feel it's a weight off of my shoulders writing all things down on here, even if it is to a bunch of strangers

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry it worked out this way, love

You have time now, to get your head together before that precious baby comes. Lean on us, but mostly on your RL support x

[Bogeyface]

I am so sorry, but I have to say that the fact that he has been honest with you is a blessing. He could have played silly bastards and kept you in a state, at least now you know what you are dealing with. Its not ideal but by MN standards it is almost honourable!

I am with AF in thinking that you should consider whether he has any place in the delivery room. Yes, he should be there to meet his son, but I dont think that he should be in the room for your labour. That sort of thing could really inhibit you and make labour harder and more dangerous for you and more importantly, for the baby. How you feel about him being there for the actual delivery is important too, he could be there and perhaps it would give him more respect for you and better bond with his child, or again it could inhibit you, its up to you really.

Perhaps you could tell him when you go into labour, allow him to wait at the hospital and then meet his child after birth (perhaps when you are bathing).

Do think about it.

[harverina]

Cat I don't have much in the way of advice in terms of your relationship as you have have been given lots or advice already, but I do have my own perspective on surnames etc.

My fathers name was on my birth certificate and I was given his surname, however, for many reasons, when my parents split up (they were not married) I did not see my father again until I was an adult. Although I legally had his name, I was always known by my mums maiden name as my father had no part in my life. When I was age 16 I made a decision to change my name by deed poll to my mothers
Maiden name. I identified more with this name. I did not know my father or his family. My mum and her family were the most important people to me. Of course it may be different if your ex plays more of a role in your child's life but if your child is living with you, you are the main cater and you are not married to the father, I can't see any real reason to name the child after him. It's a personal choice though, but is really only a dated tradition.

[harverina]

Sorry I should add that having my mums maiden name meant less questions for me growing up - I had the same name as my sister so didn't feel different to her.