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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

212 replies

Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 10:39

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...

How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have HmmConfused

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it Sad

Help, lovely mnetters xx

OP posts:
IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 15:14

Never let you self esteem be linked to the behaviour of arseholes. Their problems and THEIR problems, nothing to do with how they see you. In fact the selfish gits probably dont think at all.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 15:18

If he is there ask him why and to get the hell out. If you do sort this out and get back together it wont be today! There is not reason for him to be there other than to torture you or for his own selfish needs.

InTheRedCorner · 31/08/2013 15:35

I'm so sorry you are being put through this.

The best thing for you is for him to be gone when you get home.

Stay strong.

Doha · 31/08/2013 15:38

If he has not gone throw him out. Show him you are no pushover.
Remind him he will be hearing from the CSA when the baby is born and you consider if you want him at the birth of your DC.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 16:03

Have you reminded him that walking away wont stop him being a father, wont stop him having responsibilities and wont mean that he has turned back time.

Remind him the he will have to pay child support and in time will be expected to take a full part in his childs life. Is he the first in his group of friends to have a child by any chance?

Xenadog · 31/08/2013 16:09

If he is there you tell him to get his sorry arse out of YOUR house. If he doesn't look like he is in any rush to go (where is he likely to bugger off to?) then I suggest you start filling black bags with his crap and lob it out of the front door. Any trouble and you call the police as he is clearly trespassing! I'm not joking. This piece of shit deserves nothing and you need to now be getting very angry with him because of his treatment of you.

You also get onto the CSA forthwith to make it clear what has happened to that once LO is born he is coughing up.

Share what has happened today with people in RL as you need support - anyone would in this situation - it's not a sign of weakness.

Keep us posted on what happens and remember he has behaved cowardly, terribly and unforgivably and you (and you unborn baby plus your dc) deserve much, much more. xxxx

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 17:47

This dickhead will still be sat there when OP gets back, demanding his tea

Love, he shagged around on his little holiday "break", I would bet my house on it. Best you face that now, and when you get home tell you have had a little think and and you reckon it's the best idea for everyone that he leaves...for good.

maidmarian2012 · 31/08/2013 18:19

This is so sad, OP he clearly is playing mind games with you and he clearly enjoys working you up into a state. He sounds vile.

Wouldn't you rather be on your own than with someone who makes you so miserable?

Surely you don't want your DCs to think that this relationship dynamic is the norm.

Sending strength. x

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 18:25

Hope you are ok

Loopytiles · 31/08/2013 18:25

It's your house OP. that's good. kick him out! Nasty cheating scumbag.

How dare he say you getting upset isn't normal, or could hurt the baby Angry

If he won't pack his stuff, give him a (very short) deadline to leave by, and call a locksmith to change the locks. Anything he leaves behind he can collect later, at a convenient time for you (get friends to be in the house when he does this, and you go out).

Please do tell someone in RL what's going on.

Loopytiles · 31/08/2013 18:27

Is there anyone to be with you for the birth and look after your older DC?

RhondaJean · 31/08/2013 18:28

Oh cat woman, I have cried real tears at this thread, how could he be so cruel? Even if the relationship is over, to end it in this manner and at this point, what a total arsehole he must be.

I actually hope he is gone because although it will be hard you do deserve better and with him out of the way you will get it.

Original poster
Catwoman12 · 31/08/2013 19:06

Hi everyone, it was good to get out the house and spend time at my grandmothers, she could tell a mile off that there was something I was holding back, she dragged it out of me and gave me a shoulder to cry on, she asked me to stay over so she can help with the DC, and myself, I left DC there and drove home, to collect and over night bag, he, shock horror was still in, bags not packed, nothing, I asked why he was still here, he said he can't bring himself to leave, yet he knows he's unhappy, he wants to know "how do we make it better? What steps do we take?" Eh WTAF?? He is the one whom is unhappy, he is the one who should be telling me, not expecting me to sort it out... God. I told him I can't deal with this just now and that DC need me, grabbed our things and left.

I am sitting in the car, wondering what I have done, he is such a head fuck... Confused Going to go and relax for the night, have my grandmother look after me...

Thank you all for your kind words today, I am feeling very vulnerable at this stage and don't know which way I'm going to turn... I just hope it will be the right direction.... Sad

OP posts:
LJL69 · 31/08/2013 19:09

You have been really brave just by getting the kids together and getting out of the house. You might have to fake the strength and indifference to him once you get home. If it helps you get through the next few days I can pretty much guarantee that if you can tell him to go calmly and consistently and with no begging etc he will get the shock of his life, spend the next few days wondering what the hell happened (as he was sure he had the upper hand) and will be crawling back. By this point though you will have had time to take stock of what a total arse he is and either not want him back or be letting him know there will be a lot of proving his worth before he gets a toenail back over your doorstep. If you allow your emotions to get the better of you now it will just be reinforcing his perceived sense of superiority in the relationshipetc.
If you cant be brave/strong for yourself then do it for your lovely children who deserve a lot more than this numpty is offering. I do appreciate your self esteem is low...but do you really want your children to put up with second best for a dad? Huge hugs xxx

LJL69 · 31/08/2013 19:10

sorry x post

Lweji · 31/08/2013 19:10

I suspected as much.

He's dangling his leaving to keep you sweet.

He is not likely to leave, but you are bound to do everything for him to stay, or at least allow yourself to still be in a relationship with him, but not demand anything from him.

Call his bluff and pack his bags.

You don't want this partner. Seriously.

littlebunnyfriend · 31/08/2013 19:10

Please do message him and tell him that you want him out of the house by the time you get home.

temporarilyjerry · 31/08/2013 19:11

Yay, Flowers for grandma!

he is such a head fuck Isn't he?!

Xales · 31/08/2013 19:14

If you stay together (I think you deserve much better) please ensure he gets a complete battery of STI tests before you have sex with him again.

I would bet he has done something while on holiday.

lunar1 · 31/08/2013 19:19

I would text him and tell him to be out of your house by the time you get back. You are worth so much more.

Doha · 31/08/2013 19:20

"how do we make it better?

Bloody twat, how HE makes it better is to pack up his stuff and get the fuck out YOUR house.
He is probably stalling as he has nowhere to go and knows he is onto a good thing with free bed and lodgings. He will be wondering how he can retain this while living as a single man.
He wants you to beg and plead with him to stay--maintain your dignity and keep your had held high and throw him out.
Perhaps a dose of reality will make him see the error of his ways

mammadiggingdeep · 31/08/2013 19:20

So glad you're being looked after. You really deserve better than what he's put you through. You did well to find the strength to go out and stay away tonight. Dont contact him tonight..... X

MadBusLady · 31/08/2013 19:25

Oh Catwoman well done! I know you don't feel like it, but you have started a little rebellion here. You have already departed from his script. He will be sitting wondering what the hell happened and why you didn't burst into tears of gratitude that he might be reconsidering and spend hours discussing why he's unhappy and what you can do to make him happy. This you putting yourself and your kids first business will not be what he expected at all.

Excellent idea to get away for the night. See how things are tomorrow. But at minimum the twat needs to leave your house, having dropped this bombshell on you, so that you can clear your head and decide what you want to happen next.

Flowers for your grandmother.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 31/08/2013 19:26

Lovely grandma Smile
This man is toying with you like a cat plays with a mouse. He does not care about your wellbeing.
Pull the rug from under him. Tell him to get out and then change the locks. Look at how your grandma reacted - other family and friends will do the same. You are not alone OP. get rid of this pathetic excuse for a man.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 19:28

I know its easy for us to tell you to ltb and much less easy for you. But 1 step at a time.

Even if you are to sort through this long term no good will come of you being in the same house in the immediate future. If he wants to come back he needs to sort out his head properly and WIN you back. He is not going to be able to do that in such close proximity. All you will do by being in the same house is delay the inevitable and errode your esteem even further. You will give it your all and he will walk all over you and still leave.

Please tell him to leave for a bit. Tell him to get his head straight. Find out what he wants and then you can talk. And by talk he should not think you will welcome him back with open arms.

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