Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

[Catwoman12]

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...


How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it

Help, lovely mnetters xx

[Vivacia]

He will be sitting wondering what the hell happened and why you didn't burst into tears of gratitude that he might be reconsidering and spend hours discussing why he's unhappy and what you can do to make him happy. This you putting yourself and your kids first business will not be what he expected at all.

This, Mad is right. I agree with the suggestion that you text him tonight and tell him to be out of your house by 9am tomorrow if you think he'll do so without doing something nasty.

[Portofino]

Agree totally with Vivacia. Tell him to get his arse out of your house NOW. Personally I don't think you should have him back ever, but whatever you decide to do, you need some space and for him to realise you are not a pushover who will put up with his shit.

[AnyFucker]

aren't grandmas wonderful ?

OP, tell her everything

and I mean everything

You are amazing. Now follow through and text him you want him gone by 9am tomorrow and engage no further. Your house, your self respect, your fucking rules

he wants a doormat to tread all over...don't let him

[BringMeTea]

Well done for telling people. So happy that you have a kick ass, loving grandmother. Sleep as well as you can. Get this loser out of your house. No surprise whatsoever he was still there. He is a classic abusive, egotistical knobhead. Behave like a cunt and expect you to beg for him to stay in YOUR house. He knows how vulnerable you are. He is a very bad man. You WILL be ok eventually. Soon.

Hugs to you. Stay strong.

[cloudskitchen]

How are you this morning OP?

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Morning OP -hope you got some sleep & you are enjoying your grandmas support and help.

Let her fuss round you -you both need and deserve it right now and will in the future. Think of it as investment in your future health and the baby's well being too.

i would also as AF said above tell her everything, it'll save having to tell anyone else.

I hope you have managed to text the Tosser to be out asap. As it is your house I would get the locks changed ASAP so you can feel safe. it will be your haven for the future forf you and the little ones.

I know you feel you can't manage alone but you WILL and you will get stronger as you learn the depths of your ability to cope, even on days when you feel like shit.

Keep posting and ranting here-all good cathartic stuff!

[Catwoman12]

Came home he said he wanted to make it better... I packed his stuff, I can't cope with this, knowing he was never going to be happy with me... My heart is in pieces right now I never imagined in a million years this is how I would end up. I wish the pain would go...

Turns out he had told his mother weeks ago he wanted to leave... This kills me even more

I don't know what I can do, my heads a mess

[Lweji]

For what is worth, well done.

And hugs.

I will hurt now, but it will get better, particularly when you see the air at home clearing up.

You definitely don't need his shit.

[IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous]

Oh it is awful when you realise someone else knew more about your life than you.

You did the right thing. Distance is a great leveller

[Catwoman12]

I can't believe how much pain I feel right now...

What now?

Do I go in to labour myself now? Do I tell him once he is born?

I am in pieces...

[IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous]

Sweetheart you do what you want when you want. For now just look after yourself and your dc

[Flibbertyjibbet]

You don't want to be alone.

But you already were.

Just because he is in the house doesn't mean he is in a relationship with you - he left that a long time ago.

Where do you live, if you need someone with you when you go into labour then ask your friends and family, any friend will help you out I'm sure.

I'd let him find out about the baby when he gets the letters from the CSA.

This morning when you were sobbing and begging him, he was sure it could not be fixed. Then when you started taking some control, he changes his mind. He just wants to keep you dangling. Don't fall for it.

[FannyMcNally]

Well done. Small steps. Just keep checking in here if you're wavering. I hope he's actually gone and not playing with you by delaying and saying he's not sure etc. Whenever you feel upset remember this is nothing to how you'd feel a month, 6 months, a year etc down the line and then he'd dropped this bombshell. Much better to do this now. Thinking of you.

[Catwoman12]

No, he really isn't coming back, in my head I regret making him leave, but in the same breath I knew he wasn't happy and I know I deserve better its just the thought of being alone no one to love me and look after me, share the family moments with, that's what kills me... He only has his tv left and he will be collecting this tomorrow it was the only thing that couldn't fit in his car,

He will go back to his mums, be looked after and have the life of a king, go our every weekend, and have fun,

I will be here pregnant then looking after the DC and lonely.

I can't see past today but I will find the strength to survive, thank you all for your kind words through this thread, you have all helped massively, when I read all the hurt on here I never thought I would be one writing... Now I know how these other woman felt.. Heartbroken.

[MadBusLady]

The pain will not go, but start to be manageable and finite, when HE goes. Has he actually gone, or is he still there twisting the knife? What on earth was the need for him to tell you he told his mother weeks ago?

[Catwoman12]

He has gone mad, my mother is here trying to console me, entertaining DC while I cry on my bed...

When this happened before I found it SO hard and now I will again go through it all, with another DC in toll

[MadBusLady]

x-post. Good, he's gone.

Now to nursing yourself, your broken heart and your DC. This is the shit bit, but at least it doesn't get any more shit. The worst has happened.

You don't have to instantly spring into coping/recovering mode. Nobody can do that so soon after a shock like this. You just need to take it a day at a time - an hour if necessary. And tell more friends and family, let them help you.

Living at his mum's doesn't sound like a particularly great life for an adult to me. And pretty soon he'll have CSA payments to factor in to his beer money.

[MadBusLady]

By the way, usually people say "there's an OW, he's gone to her" on these threads. But here I think some of us are guessing his actions have been prompted by whatever happened on his "lads holiday" rather than a steady OW as such.

Which makes him all the more of a fool. A life of cocktails and clubs and beaches and easy shagging does not actually await as soon as he escapes the "shackles" of family life. Instead he'll get his mum washing his pants, which is nice, but not really a substitute for an adult family life or a holiday bender. I think he'll probably be begging you sooner than you think.

[MadBusLady]

(And needless to say I don't think you should give in! Just suggesting it so you feel prepared.)

[Catwoman12]

Mad, he said he will give me £100 a week, which is laughable, no he won't, and if he does it won't last long...

There wasnt an OW, this I do know, he probs did cheat on his holiday but that is not my conster

[Catwoman12]

Concern at the moment...

I think life with so many responsibility was too much for him, I think he got scared and ran....

I have a long road ahead, this is what scares me...

[Catwoman12]

Concern at the moment...

I think life with so many responsibility was too much for him, I think he got scared and ran....

I have a long road ahead, this is what scares me...

[Lioninthesun]

Really you will be better off without him. It may be lonely at times but it really isn't worse than having someone who doesn't want to be there sucking the joy out of everything. FWIW my ex left when I was about 4 months pg. I struggled with whether to let him attend the birth, but did in the end. Not sure I would recommend it as he was a grump the whole way through it (my doula was at some of the things he was coming out with whilst sharing my G&A) but I do think I would have felt worse if I had stopped him coming and think he would have used that against me years down the line. He ended up staying again until DD was 6mo and then went off with a new g.f and hasn't seen DD since. They don't change!
I agree with everyone else saying he is running away from all responsibility and will sorely regret it when he realises all of his friends are settling down with families and he has already run out on his. I bet his mum is giving him hell (hope she is anyway) and she probably was not expecting to have to look after him all over again! I honestly don't think men like this know what they have until it is too late. He has broken your trust and I felt that was something you can never get back in this situation - I mean, what horrid kind of man must he be to leave his pg partner, right?
You will be stronger on your own, but there is a lot to consider re BC and the birth. Hard to answer these when you are emotionally bereft, so MN is very helpful for a different perspective. Good luck.

[Lweji]

Contact the CSA asap.

I bet he thinks you'll change your mind and beg him to go back after a while.

My ex left the house surprisingly easily because he was convinced I was just punishing him.

Regardless, you don't want someone who doesn't love you, or who won't accept his responsibilities. You will be ok, you'll see.
Just take it easy, take care of yourself and take time to grieve.

[Lioninthesun]

Go to CSA as soon as baby is born. That is one responsibility I was sure he wasn't going to mess about with. He will bitch and moan about it but these run away men can't be trusted and have to be treated like the children they seem to want to be (or at the very least act like). Take control of that as soon as you can. He may well decide he wants to visit and look after the baby which would be a good thing to bear in mind when you want an evening off a few months in! Don't burn those bridges if you have them (I never did but jealous of those who do!).