Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...

[Catwoman12]

NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...

DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.

Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.

I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...


How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have

Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it

Help, lovely mnetters xx

[mammadiggingdeep]

Another one wondering about you cat. Hope you're ok and managing to keep strong. X

[wheredoistartmrs]

catwoman how are you doing? i keep thinking of you and hope that you are ok

[wheredoistartmrs]

catwoman how are you doing? i keep thinking of you and hope that you are ok

[cloudskitchen]

You have been very courageous and I hope it continues to carry you through. Will keep an eye out for your updates

[Catwoman12]

I hear you mamma, couldnt agree more.

he came for his things, we spoke, he was kind but firm and I guess that's what I need, he's not mucking me about, or telling me what I want to hear, so I suppose he is being decent in that sense, he has set up a direct debit and I hope he sticks to his word, to be there if and when needed, so hard to see him go, and it makes it hard because he is being so nice about it all, he's making it hard for me to hate him, he said "please can I still be at the birth, I really want to be there and support you through it" tbh if things stay on good terms I won't deny him that, baby will also have his surname, I will pick his first name, myself.

So, tomorrow will be Day 1 of the start to my new life, single, it's daunting, but I will soldier through!!

I am going to continue writing on here, it gives me somewhere to express my true feelings, and I think it will be good to look back on in time, once I have moved on appropriately, thank you all for your support and experience!!

XX

[mammadiggingdeep]

• not begging and pleading...

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yes....telling myself the same thing with regards to red flags . Only this morning I was having a go at myself for ignoring those red flags and getting myself in this situation.....but then I turned it around and thought, well at least I'm out of this situation. I asked him to leave and haven't let him back so at least I've put it right. Same with you....you're it begging and pleading you're already being practical and looking to tje future.
A very dear friend once told me "making a mistake doesn't make you fool....but to know you've made one and not put it right, that makes you a fool"......xxxxx

[Catwoman12]

Thank you for your kind words mamma,

I feel like there is some void in my life and I await for the initial pain to go, tough times don't last, tough people do, just need to keep reminding myself that. He will be coming this evening for the rest of his things, then once he's gone, he's gone...

When I do finally move on and get over it, and meet someone else, I will make sure when I see I red flag, I don't brush it off, and I act on it, all those tiny red flags that popped up in the beginning all seem so clear now, and I should have known better...

X

[mammadiggingdeep]

Enb....I feel the same about my dd's having their fathers name. I'm from a very close, very loving family. They don't need to share that family name to know they're part of the team. I have my dads name (ok, so parents are married) but I just see it as they have their dads...us no longer being together doesn't affect how I see it.

Op....hope you're ok today and looking after yourself. It is no reflection on you that you find yourself in this situation. You seem so strong and dignified....it's good that he is saying he will be involved with the baby. In many ways perhaps its better that he did this now rather than when baby was few months old. At least you can get over tje shock and once baby's here focus on him and not lose any of those precious early times dealing with your ex.
I know it's not easy but hang in there, you're doing brilliantly xx

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

If he is going to be there for your child that is a good thing. You will still be you doing the majority of it but I am glad he is going to pull some of the weight both emotionally and financially.

please don't feel judged OP because he left you. It still says far more about him than you that he would leave you at this point having been on his fecking holidays got you pg in the first place. He is obviously not ready for grown up relationships.

If it is not to be it is not to be. What is for you will not go by you
Good luck with your imminent arrival.

[Enb76]

I gave my child her father's last name because my last name is not important to me. I am fully confident that she is part of my family, she came from me and I am not insecure about where she belongs. It has however given his family a definite link to her, she has their name. Her father's family, while not my cup of tea, have also been brilliant. It's hard for the non-resident parent and frankly whatever makes it easier I will do.

[Bogeyface]

The tradition goes back to when women and children were considered as the property of the man of the family. Even a widow could lose her children to the head of her husbands family.

They were given the male heads name in order to identify them as part of him and his possessions. A woman could not represent herself in court, own property (except by a trust that would pass to her eldest son) or get into debt.

When Charles Dickens left his long suffering wife for his mistress, he took their children with him and allowed very very limited visiting rights. This wasnt considered in any way morally wrong either for the children or the mother. It was right and proper because as a man he was far better placed to ensure their physical and spiritual well being than a weak and morally corrupt woman (it was a woman who offered the apple to Adam, after all).

Bearing all that in mind, give him your name whatever name you damn well want.

[harverina]

Sorry I should add that having my mums maiden name meant less questions for me growing up - I had the same name as my sister so didn't feel different to her.

[harverina]

Cat I don't have much in the way of advice in terms of your relationship as you have have been given lots or advice already, but I do have my own perspective on surnames etc.

My fathers name was on my birth certificate and I was given his surname, however, for many reasons, when my parents split up (they were not married) I did not see my father again until I was an adult. Although I legally had his name, I was always known by my mums maiden name as my father had no part in my life. When I was age 16 I made a decision to change my name by deed poll to my mothers
Maiden name. I identified more with this name. I did not know my father or his family. My mum and her family were the most important people to me. Of course it may be different if your ex plays more of a role in your child's life but if your child is living with you, you are the main cater and you are not married to the father, I can't see any real reason to name the child after him. It's a personal choice though, but is really only a dated tradition.

[Bogeyface]

I am so sorry, but I have to say that the fact that he has been honest with you is a blessing. He could have played silly bastards and kept you in a state, at least now you know what you are dealing with. Its not ideal but by MN standards it is almost honourable!

I am with AF in thinking that you should consider whether he has any place in the delivery room. Yes, he should be there to meet his son, but I dont think that he should be in the room for your labour. That sort of thing could really inhibit you and make labour harder and more dangerous for you and more importantly, for the baby. How you feel about him being there for the actual delivery is important too, he could be there and perhaps it would give him more respect for you and better bond with his child, or again it could inhibit you, its up to you really.

Perhaps you could tell him when you go into labour, allow him to wait at the hospital and then meet his child after birth (perhaps when you are bathing).

Do think about it.

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry it worked out this way, love

You have time now, to get your head together before that precious baby comes. Lean on us, but mostly on your RL support x

[Catwoman12]

Indeed he has AF, which makes it very hard, the cold face of reality has struck and its up to me to deal with it as dignified as I can, these next few
Weeks / months will be the hardest ones to conquer, but I need to realise, he does not want me, he wants our son. Makes me feel sick but you can't make someone love you. No matter how many people I have to support me, it doesn't make it easier, I wish it did. My mother came and brought take away for us tonight, she tried to fight back the tears, but feels every inch of hurt I feel, this is the harsh reality of how hurt we all are.....

Gotta make it better, going to have to grieve the relationship, and move on.

Hopefully the counselling gets back in touch tomorrow, and I can start tht up asap. I had a call from one I had emailed, but they have a 6-8week waiting list, I would much rather be seen in the near future

Thank you all for your kind words, wisdom and motivation. You have all been so kind, I will still be here day to day writing my feelings and emotions, better that contacting him, I feel it's a weight off of my shoulders writing all things down on here, even if it is to a bunch of strangers

[AnyFucker]

He has been quite clear with you now, love. I am very sorry. You have to let him go.

Please consider very carefully whether you feel he should be at the birth. In that room with you should only have people that truly love and support you for you not just because you are a receptacle delivering his child (sorry to be blunt)

[Enb76]

Well done you. It's not that you were not good enough for him, it's that you weren't right for each other. This has to be better now than years down the line when you both hate each other. I imagine it's a bit impossible to believe at the moment but it's much better that he's gone. It will be tough, the first three months after the baby is born will be the hardest and you'll want the baby to be all yours and you will hate and resent him being involved and if I were you, I'd warn him now to expect it because you may not be able to help taking it out on him - but it'll get better, you'll get through it

I think you need to up your esteem a bit though. You are more than good enough and you don't need a man to validate that; know it in your heart. I wish you every happiness.

[Catwoman12]

Enb, I agree with you, as much as he has been a cunt to me, I reckon he will do the right thing, and be a good dad...

After us emailing tonight, he said all the right things, some harder to take than others, he told me; he will be there for his DC, he does care for me, but he does not want to be with me, he will support me financially and has set up a weekly direct debit, if I need him to take me to purchase baby items, or build them, he will do it, he and his family will help me no matter what, he feels horrible for what he has done but doesn't think putting me through misery is fair and by him leaving he is able to leave the relationship but still be a father. He wants to attend the birth. He wants to be as involved as he can be, as involved as I will allow, he is sorry he has caused me heart ache, he is sorry he has hurt me...

Basically he wants to make it clear, he will be there for our son, he will not be there for me, I couldn't ask for more tbh, he has said all the right things, I hope he follows through, I cannot help how I feel though, I am so heartbroken to hear I was not good enough, I was not enough for him, I will need to learn to put my feelings aside and learn to know that him not being there for me is not him not being there for our son, I wish he loved me, I wish he was sorry, he is sorry but he doesn't want me, that is inevitable, god it makes it hurt so much, he is being dignified about the situation, and here's me crying my eyes out, heartbroken and gutted. Life couldn't feel much lower, it's hard to differentiate my feelings for him, I hope I can be strong, and not become jealous or vindictive, I hope I can move on as gracefully as possible.


God this is tough

[Enb76]

My DC has her father's name on her birth certificate, I don't regret it at all. He may be a shit as far as you are concerned but don't deny him the opportunity to be a decent father. Your child is separate to this relationship, a being created by both of you. He may well not be the best dad but he may also be a brilliant dad - you don't know yet. Beyond all the hurt there is still the fact that he is the father of your child. That decision was made a long time ago. It may sound awful but the fact he doesn't want you doesn't mean he doesn't want the child. I would do everything to allow him access after the child is born though god knows it's hard. Been there, done that. My child's father turned out not to be the person for me but he's an amazing dad and I can't take that away from him. Give him the opportunity to be the same. Men are human too.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

I often want to say we are a team..team {oursurname} but we don't have the same surname. and bottom line, he does not deserve for them to have his name. he sees them for a few hours per week max. he is not bringing them up or making them part of his family. them having his name gives him credit he has not earned.

[iwantanafternoonnap]

I really regret DS having ex's name and I hate the fact I am reminded of that wanker whenever I say my sons last name. I really wouldn't do it.

Sorry you are going through this and hope you can stay strong. xxx

[mrsnegative]

I bet he doesn't want to pick them up because once he does then he has no "right" to come to your house.

More game playing. Twat he is.

Hope you're ok, I've been reading since your OP and I think that once this baby is born you'll have something so much more amazing to focus on

[Catwoman12]

Temp- yes I would have thought he would want his name on the birth certificate, but I don't even feel like I know him anymore

He has never said he doesn't want to be in DC life...