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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

131 replies

hillfort · 02/07/2013 16:41

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

OP posts:

Winterwood · 02/07/2013 19:40

An old girlfriend for in touch with my DH after 10 years or so. There was nothing sinister as they had been school friends and she had attended our wedding as the partner of one of his friends.

After a couple of email exchanges, DH turned to me and said 'what now?' He couldn't see the point of becoming pen pals or lunch partners because they weren't going to re establish any kind of real friendship as he was now married and a father . I think this is a realistic attitude.

The saved email on top of his willingness to see her without you suggests he is making some kind of story in his head. Maybe he wants to show her he is fine and dandy and things have turned out well for him after being cheated on. I'm not sure he is choosing the best way.

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 19:43

I would be cross with my DH if he even had the gall to suggest it quite frankly.

OP I wouldn't be having nice chats about this one - sorry.

My line would be "If you think I am going to waste even a second of my life meeting your cheating, lying, staking ex then you are delusional. If you think I am going to condone you wasting even a second more of your life thinking you are going to meet her alone rather than ignore her as she deserves then I'll get you a suitcase packed. FFS man up and grow up".

Original poster

hillfort · 02/07/2013 19:51

I am annoyed about it, although it's her who has put my husband in an awkward situation, and I'd rather he'd be open with me about it than secretive.

Winterwood - yes that's just it. There's not much point in him building a friendship with her now - there's too much water under the bridge, If he wants to know what's going on on her life maybe he should internet stalk her

They broke up 5 years ago, not 10, and were together for 10 years. The last 5 years have flown by for me so maybe it's possible that she still feels it's all quite recent, and hasn't moved on yet. They were together for twice as long as I have been with my husband, although it was kind of an extended student relationship more than a proper adult partnership.

OP posts:

LookingForwardToMarch · 02/07/2013 19:56

He put you in the awkward position when he asked your 'permission' op

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 19:57

I don't think time is relevant.

I wouldn't meet an ex (of any length of time) under these circumstances) and having just asked DH he said "why? what's the point? waste of time and it would feel like condoning her stalking behaviour somehow. Making it all "ok" and water under the bridge. I wouldn't risk introducing someone like that back into my or my families life. Sounds like the bloke needs a hobby, or a shed or something...".

Original poster

hillfort · 02/07/2013 19:59

at "Sounds like the bloke needs a hobby, or a shed or something...".

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 20:04

well said, Mr YT

Vivacia · 02/07/2013 20:28

Im ashamed to admit it, but I'd be very tempted to read that email (and then mark it Unread).

In this situation my partner just didn't reply to the ex. If I wasn't that lucky I'd just presume all of us were invited to the meet.

PeppermintPasty · 02/07/2013 20:29

This is barmy. He is giving the whole thing far too much thought, and that is a red flag in itself. I agree that he's read the email and wants to hang on to it.

I think Hecsy said upthread -why, really, would anyone want to meet an ex, especially in these circumstances. They're an ex for a reason.

I'd make your feelings quite clear and nip it in the bud. This would not mean that you are being controlling. You are entitled to air your views in your relationship.

Looksgoodingravy · 02/07/2013 20:44

The only good thing to come out of this is at least your dh has discussed this with you!

Through bitter experience from events I found out about just last year I can vouch for the fact that meeting up with 'friends' from the past can lead to trouble. Dp just omitted to tell me about it before he did it!

With this in mind I would most definitely put my foot down. I would open a bottle of wine, take a glass each, open the email and read it together. I'd then watch it being deleted and then watch your dh reply to her text declining her offer of lunch.

I know I sound bitter and twisted. I'm not really.

She's an ex for a reason.

hermioneweasley · 02/07/2013 20:48

Why doesn't he just say "thanks for suggesting we meet up, but it's been a long time and I'm not really interested in revisiting my past. All the best"?

Why would he even contemplate meeting up?

Tilpil · 02/07/2013 20:53

i wouldn't be happy in the slightest my condition would be that i went with him

justgivemeareason · 02/07/2013 20:54

The reason he would contemplate meeting up is because he is feeling a little frisson of excitement about seeing the ex.

There is no reason whatsoever to meet up other than to reminisce, rekindle some feelings, reconnect.

He is taking the mick.

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 20:57

Just buy him 50 Sheds of Grey

Whatwouldyousay · 02/07/2013 21:30

Ok, so here's a scenario - I'm going to put my self in the ex's shoes for a moment:

I was in a very intense relationship which ended suddenly and without closure 3 years ago (long story but no cheating). He still contacts me each Christmas/birthday and we exchange a handful of 'catch-up' texts, then that's it for another six months.

Occasionally when I'm feeling nostalgic I consider contacting him to ask if he wants to meet for a coffee now that all the hurt has passed (I'm single), but in reality I know that it's a bad idea because there's unfinished business between us and I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I actually saw him in the flesh - I'm worried that all the feelings would come flooding back. I have no idea if he's single or in a relationship - we never discuss that in our texts.

So...let's assume that your DH's ex is in a similar position (ie feeling nostalgic). I think your DH should proceed with caution - especially if she's single - going (even under the guise of friendship) may be opening a door into the past that can only cause problems.

Also, if she texted him 3 weeks ago and he didn't reply...replying now may give her false hope (ie it could indicate that he's been thinking about it all this time).

And I would definitely suggest you read that email together. That will ensure that there are no secrets and you can deal with the contents together, transparently.

Original poster

hillfort · 02/07/2013 21:39

Thank you for all the great advice. I will tell him that rekindling a friendship with her would make me uncomfortable.
You are all saying the same thing in different ways, which boils down to what justgivemeareasonsaid:

"The reason he would contemplate meeting up is because he is feeling a little frisson of excitement about seeing the ex.
There is no reason whatsoever to meet up other than to reminisce, rekindle some feelings, reconnect.
He is taking the mick."

OP posts:

Squitten · 02/07/2013 21:46

This all sounds very odd indeed.

Keeping unread emails from old flames, internet "stalking", reunions.

If I were you OP, I would be telling your DH that it's time to grow up a bit and stop all this melodramatic nonsense in its tracks. I would be telling him to open that email immediately and see what's in it - bear in mind that she'll be basing her expectations of this meeting on the understanding that he has already read it. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with him meeting her and there really is no reason to be dragging it on 3wks after getting her text. If he is not going, just tell her and have done with it.

He honestly sounds like he's enjoying the drama and needs to act more maturely.

Original poster

hillfort · 02/07/2013 21:47

Whatwouldyousay
Thanks for your insight, and I'm sorry if you went through a hard time.

OP posts:

coppertop · 02/07/2013 22:04

I think I would be wondering just how "random" their recent meeting had really been.

Original poster

hillfort · 02/07/2013 22:16

Yes, I did wonder if she had found out where he would be that day, and engineer the meeting. But I have to trust it was random.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 02/07/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 22:55

Nor do you want to be encouraging people like the Op's husband

Roundtheruggedrocks · 03/07/2013 00:04

For what it's worth, I have loads of unopened email from exes and peoplewho've sent me long, emotional tomes. Sometimes you decide you just don't want to put yourself through the emotions and guilt and memories that the email will bring up. Especially so if that person is or was somehow deluded about te ways things are/were. You don't want MORE stuff from them telling you how it is.

So I don't think the unopened email is weird at all. All you need to do is put your foot down and say what you want. You have every right.

dontyouwantmebaby · 03/07/2013 00:16

He's worried she'll think he's rude for not replying. But as I see it she was rude to me by not including me in the lunch invitation, and very rude to him by cheating on him!

yes exactly OP - not only is she being extremely bloody rude by excluding you from the lunch invitation but it seems your DH is more worried about her thinking he is rude by ignoring her than your feelings which are the only ones that matter, not hers FFS!!

I went out with my ex for 9+years, ok we split up a long time ago and been seeing current partner for longer. I cannot imagine any reason/scenario where I would arrange to meet my ex. My current partner however does still keep in touch with his ex. She and her mother are very manipulative and I felt like he was still in their clutches when we first dated. All these in-jokes eg postcards they used to send him, pressies she got him at Christmas that were more like pressies a girlfriend would buy than a just a 'friend'. (oh I trusted, do trust him not to cheat btw, it was more her intention that pissed me off as she must have known her actions would 'get' to me if that makes any sense).

Bloody exes, always bad news when they rear their ugly heads . Hope she stays out of your lives, she sounds like bad news!

MadBusLady · 03/07/2013 07:31

Roundtheruggedrocks Why not delete them then? That's the bit people are saying is weird.

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