Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

[hillfort]

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

Ten years is a very long time, there might be news to exchange about family/friends, and so on. A curiosity meeting.

No reason to meet you and your DC really, unless they want to become friends.

Re internet stalking, do you mean looking at your status on facebook and so on? Or something more?

Why keep an email unread for years? Why did he not just delete it? Doesn't make sense to me.

Agree with ruby - may seem more attractive if you forbid him to meet - and you trust him, so what's the problem? She'll probably be bored stupid listening to him singing your praises and telling her how brilliant babyhillfort is!

He has same mobile number as he did when he was with her.
She wasn't harassing me, just keeping tabs. As I said, I don't want to out myself by explaining how I know.
My husband is a bit naive, and a lovely person. He always thinks the best of everyone. But for that very reason I don' think he marked the email as unread. He wouldn't cheat on me - I just don't want him to be emotionally unfaithful, to wish that he had stayed with her, to become dissatisfied with me. Even if he did, he wouldn't act on it, but I don't want to open that possibility.

My husband did this before we were married and it nearly ended our relationship. I thought I was ok with it at first but after he met up with her a few times it got to me. I would suggest this is a very bad idea.

How do you know it was "a big email" if it's never been opened?

Why didn't he just delete her email instead of leaving it "unread"?

I think it would be disrepectful to you if he met up with her. This isn't a relationship which had run it's course. There was cheating, numerous break-ups - very emotive stuff.

Then, knowing she stalked you (would love to know how you find that out??!) that has crossed a line.

Best if she doesn't have the oxygen of attention.

God I'd have to read the email.

Fwiw I Internet stalk all my exes, and DHs, more often than you'd probably think sane.

Wouldn't want to meet up with any of them though. That's just crazy.

Dozer, why should op's dh give a flying fig what has been happening in an old ex's life?!

It's not like they were close, they never lived together and more tellingly have not been in contact for 10 years.

Am I on a different planet? My ex partners are ex for a reason. I didn't like them in the end, I'm unlikely to like them in the future.

If one of them contacted me for a 'chat' after ten years I would politely say 'fuck off'

There is a reason he has kept the email. Nice, naive, whatever, nobody keeps an 'unread' email for years for no reason. You need to ask him what that reason is.

Prudence,
We know it was a big email as it was about 24k, without any attachment, just 24k of text.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty (love your name)
Yes, that is weird that the email was never opened but not discarded, I agree. That goes to the heart of why I consider there to be possible unfinished business.

Keeping tabs on you is just as bad and it is a serious matter.

Thought he was naïve and likes to always think the best of people, that impression of him was apparent from his behaviours towards you and her. It also perhaps gives him an ego boost to see that someone else i.e an ex finds him interesting even all these years later. I would remind him that ex' are ex's often for good reason and once that Pandora's box is opened it cannot be closed shut again.

Giving such an emotionally disordered person any time at all is tantamount for asking for trouble to visit your marriage.

It may well be 24k of disturbed rantings on her part. I would be wondering why your H has not seen it fit for it to be deleted off.

I'd have to read the email too! But I'd also want to ask why he'd kept it (unread or not) instead of binning it.

If my DP and I were in this situation and I said I was unhappy about him meeting her, he would either not meet her or initiate a proper conversation about it, not keep asking me as your DH has done. I wouldn't be happy with that.

But as a slight aside, in response to 'I would feel a bit odd about my husband going out for lunch with any woman on his own, ex or not.' God, really?? My DP has several female friends who I'm not particularly friends with and he goes out for lunch with them without me quite often. He also goes out with female friends at night sometimes. I do the same with my male friends. It is not always a problem.

I would have to read to know what I was dealing with then make a decision. You could let him meet her knowing you weren't comfortable with it. The hardest part is as you describe knowing that it was most likely at a time when feelings and emotions were very intense as opposed to current ties to job family mortgage etc
Most likely as you say he will get a massive ego boost from it all but however much you trust him what you can never be sure if are her intentions.

I agree. I would think the same. It stares him in the face on daily basis. Let us assume he hasn't read it - why keep it? He has some need that is being met by keeping it. Unless he tells you what that is, of course you're going to have all kinds of thoughts.

Well, I think people keep messages like that if they feel sentimental about the person. I guess he never opened it as he didn't want to stir up his feelings. So why not delete it? Because of its sentimental value?

I wouldn't get too hung up on her behaviour and attitude, because you don't know much about it, and you are attributing quite complex feelings to her (her thinking you stole her life etc) on the basis of not much, or at least not much you have written here. "Stalking" and "obsessional" are pretty loaded terms to use about someone who never contacted you. We don't really know in what spirit she was clicking around your FB page - it could have been a daily nosiness process in which you were one of several, or it could even have been a healing process for all you know.

What we DO know on the other hand, is that she treated your DH like shit and yet he still wants to meet her, he is pushing for your permission after you've expressed doubts, and he has mysteriously hung on to an old "unread" email. So yes, definitely nip it in the bud. Not because she's definitely some kind of obsessive unstable temptress, but because he is not behaving in a particularly reassuring way.

Even there is even the slightest bit of sentiment involved op....

you don't want him meeting her

I agree. he doesn't know what's in it. Whether it's full of hate, pleas to get back together or a trip down memory lane. So as a message its only value is that it's from her.

dingalingaling!

Of course, as long as it is unopened (if it actually is) then it can be whatever he wants it to be, so there may be an element of his fantasy in here too.

OP, your DH seems to want to go and meet her (and I agree it sounds like he's at least flattered) then could you ask him if you can read that email so you know what your dealing with? Sometimes I think what men perceive as polite chit chat has an ulterior motive behind it.

My DP had something similar when we got together. His ex, who also cheated on him, when they broke up didn't speak for about 2 years, then she heard he was seeing me and suddenly she tries to get back in touch. When she saw him out with his friends she went to speak to them all, they all said hello, that was it really then DP left with all his friends and he got a load of messages from her that night, all ignored, but which he thought was nothing more than "random", I thought were conniving:

Eg "Did you guys all leave? Where are you going next?"

"was SOOO good to see you again, reminded me of the good old times"

(at 2am) "I'm just walking home past your house now, it's freezing and I'd forgotten how far it is back to mine :( "

To me, it's very obvious what she was up to that night, but he hadn't even considered it, he just ignored her and thought she had a short memory.

You might find something similar in her email.

She also internet stalked me too.

Somethingtothinkabout - I can understand the mentality of your partner's ex, (and quite possibly my husband's ex), that she was there first, it will always be her territory. Your partner's comment about walking past your house and how far it was to hers was a reminder of part intimacy, which is by its very nature exclusive of you!

Sorry, I meant your partner's ex's comment, not your partner's!

I think that comment was more of an invitation.

'I'm cold and walking and right outside your door! Be a gentleman and invite me in'

How on earth did you know she was stalking you?

Was it a blog and her specific IP address was from her country?

Why would it out you if you told us?

I'm so confused, I can't think of any way to know that someone is stalking you aside from the one above, and even then you don't KNOW, do you, it could be someone else from her country...