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Original poster

Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

131 replies

hillfort · 02/07/2013 16:41

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 02/07/2013 16:48

What has your husband said about it?

EldritchCleavage · 02/07/2013 16:48

Does he know about the stalking? If not, do tell him.

I think probably in your shoes I'd say it was ostensibly harmless but given the internet stalking she has the potential to become a pain the arse, so it would be better if he didn't have contact with her. If he doesn't resume a relationship with her, even as mere friends, then he won't have to extricate himself should she become annoying in future.

Jan45 · 02/07/2013 16:51

Is it really that important to him that he meets her for lunch? I'm guessing probably not so if I was you I would tell him about the stalking before and tell him you are uncomfortable about him meeting her, that should be enough for him to say no, he's busy, he can put her off without being rude.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/07/2013 16:53

Wow, he is wearing you down to finally get your "permission". Red Flag.

PinkPlum · 02/07/2013 16:57

I would make it v clear to your DH that he should not be meeting her. Although it sounds harmless on dh's part, it is simply an unnecessary complication and a bit disrespectful to you as his wife and your child. She is in the past, what is the point of meeting up with the ex who treated him so badly when she had him? He owes her nothing. At the v least you should go along too but really she is in the past, time to move on.

MaBumble · 02/07/2013 16:59

Get him to reply 'we'd love to meet up, what time would you like me and hillfort?. Of course we'd have to bring little hillfort, but he/she is just adorable' etc, etc.

PinkPlum · 02/07/2013 17:01

Haha. Agree with mabumble's plan

Original poster
hillfort · 02/07/2013 17:01

Yes, he knew about the stalking at the time. I kept a copy of the internet record for him to see.

He says, well, it was a few years ago. I'm sure she's not so obsessed now. I agree, but I feel she thinks I stole her future. I would feel easier about it if she was settled down with someone, but I don't think she is. I am very relaxed about my husband working with single women as I trust him, and them (I know quite a few of them).

When he first told her that he was with me, a few years ago, she sent him a big email which to this day he hasn't opened. It just feels as though there is unfinished business, certainly from her point of view.

She kept dumping him for other guys then cheated on him while she was still with him. I think she regrets it very deeply, and has discovered that there are a lot of horrible guys out there. I have old boyfriends who I keep in touch with, but they are married with kids close in age to my little girl. I'm friends with their wives, our kids are friends, and my husband comes along with me to visit them. So there's no unfinished business there.

OP posts:
Still18atheart · 02/07/2013 17:05

How well did you know her at uni???

sorry but think you are being unreasonable

But at the end of the day they were together for ten years. TBH i would be more concerned if the women was a fling from his uni days.

Also there are more elements to happy carefree days than this women. Does he meet up with other friends who he made at uni? And there are 7 years when they were together and not at uni. Are you also worried that he will be reminded of these days.

MexicanHat · 02/07/2013 17:15

A few years ago she sent him a long email which he never opened??? Sorry I find that hard to believe.

FWIW I have met up with my ex several times since my marriage split up last year. He has a long time girlfriend and I have absolutely no interest in him other than another friend and I know he feels the same.

Original poster
hillfort · 02/07/2013 17:17

She was a vague acquaintance at uni.
They never lived together - after undergrad days t was always an international relationship.
I'm quite happy to be told I'm unreasonable - I'm not one of these wives who keeps husband on a tight leash. I just feel a bit weird about it all in the light of the internet stalking.

OP posts:
Original poster
hillfort · 02/07/2013 17:18

MexicanHat
No, he really never opened the email.When he signs into his account it shows up as unread. I saw it just today, as we were looking into something together in his email, and it reminded him to ask me about meeting up with her.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 02/07/2013 17:21

No way would I be happy if he chooses to agree to meet her!

She was his past and that's where she should stay, not meeting your dh for a lunch date.

I'd be really pissed off if he says he's going.

frissonpink · 02/07/2013 17:23

I"m still friends with my ex who I was with for 10 years (engaged to as well).

However, he's also friends with my current partner who knows if we meet up and has no issue with it at all.

It is possible to just be platonic. Can't you all meet up with her?

Also, how did you know she was stalking you?!

Lulabellarama · 02/07/2013 17:23

It's very easy to mark an email as unread

Poogate · 02/07/2013 17:24

Hillfort, just to let you know that you can read an email and then mark it 'unread'.

MexicanHat · 02/07/2013 17:26

Wow well I admire his willpower OP!! :-)

I think if it makes you feel uneasy then he should make his excuses OR you should go along too as above poster suggested.

rubylovesshopping · 02/07/2013 17:27

If that's true I would read it and then mark it as unread!
Let him meet her if you you make her forbidden it will seem even more enticing to do so.

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 02/07/2013 17:28

Why had he kept an unread email from all that time ago?

I would say "You meeting up with her makes me feel uncomfortable." And leave it at that.

I would be unhappy in your shoes. Especially after the Internet stalking.

jellymaker · 02/07/2013 17:29

sorry I don't often comment but for what it is worth, I would feel a bit odd about my husband going out for lunch with any woman on his own, ex or not. You have to protect your marriage and going out with others 1 :1 opens up possibilities for conversations that the other person wants to start that you have no witness to.

CoolStoryBro · 02/07/2013 17:29

How do you find out if someone is cyber stalking you?!!!

LookingForwardToMarch · 02/07/2013 17:29

Your his wife and mother of his child.

If your uncomfortable about them, meeting then he should respect your wishes.

It's not like his life will end if he doesn't meet an ex will it?

LookingForwardToMarch · 02/07/2013 17:29

Grrr *You are

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2013 17:30

I would like to know why your H gave her his phone number in the first place. After all she did behave appallingly towards him, does she still have some hold over him I wonder?.

Your DH now playing down her obsessional nature is him being naïve at best. People can remain obsessive even years later and she could well be disturbed. I would be concerned because her invitation seems only extended to him also.

BTW if she did harass you via the internet she has committed a criminal offence.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/07/2013 17:32

Why hasn't he deleted it? That would be my question.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all. At the very least, it smacks of him getting a massive ego boost here.

You can flag read emails as unread, btw. Don't assume that it hasn't been read.