Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

[hillfort]

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

In my comment to Somethingtothinkabout I meant to write "past intimacy" but wrote "part intimacy". That's a whole different level!

Sorry, can't explain more as it could out me. Suffice to say institutions and departments within them have highly specific IP addresses. And it wasn't my Facebook page.

I know you dont want to out yourself, but can you give a general idea how can you get an IP address just from someone looking at your profiles online etc? I thought they had to actually try and make contact with you or something.

are you saying all the ex's i have stalked anonymously looked up on FB etc could know this?? ARGHHHHHH

oh just read your most recent comment

This whole thing would simply not happen in my relationship

I fail to understand why women tolerate it in theirs

Tell him what you have said here. If he is a decent bloke who values you, he will knock it on the head.

it's quite simple really

PeteCampbellsReceedingHairline's reply

^Why had he kept an unread email from all that time ago?

I would say "You meeting up with her makes me feel uncomfortable." And leave it at that.

I would be unhappy in your shoes. Especially after the Internet stalking.^

expresses my thoughts exactly.

I'm with you Anyfucker

No chance my dp would ditch dd and I for lunch with some old ex.

I wouldn't dream of disrespecting dp by doing that either.

But I guess everyone has different things they find acceptable or not.

I would ask dh why he hadn't read it
. Depending on his response It would determine how I felt about him going out with her. To be honest he has prob read it and marked it unread so you dont think he has/to show hes not bothered?

Wouldn't he want to read it anyway before he meets up with her? it might say anything that might change how he felt about seeing her.

i too am curious, how you can tell if someone is stalking you on the internet?!

I think the fact you know she internet stalked you is irrelevent really. I think many people may do this as part of their grieving process and in normal circumstances it would go unnoticed by the stalkee, and would just taper off as time passes.

the big warning signs for me here are your gut reactions tohow your DH is responding to this. you are sensing that there is unfinished business in his unwillingness to let this go. it is not your responsibility to decide for him, so why is he making it seem that way. he is trying to get your permission because he knows its wrong (but still wants to go anyway).

the opened email is just strange. it feels like he hasnt let go of her and the email is symbolic of this.

He talked about about bringing her round to ours for lunch, when me and mini Hillfort are there. But the dynamic would be too weird for me.

He said something about wanting to reply to her as its the kind, human thing to do. But she texted him about 3 weeks ago so he has already left it for ages.

He's worried she'll think he's rude for not replying. But as I see it she was rude to me by not including me in the lunch invitation, and very rude to him by cheating on him!

BicBiro
"I think the fact you know she internet stalked you is irrelevant really. I think many people may do this as part of their grieving process"
That's true.

"It feels like he hasnt let go of her and the email is symbolic of this."
Yes, it bothers me a bit.

Op maybe just ask him why the fuck he thinks you would want to invite her into your home?!

Theres something unfinished between them (suggested by the saved email)

I'd telk him that if he wants to finish it he better sling his hook.

Or he can message back saying no thankyou and

Leave it at that

That doesnt make sense - the bit about appearing rude.

If he cared that much about appearing rude he would have read and responded to that original email.

The 'rude' thing is an excuse.

She's triggered something in him - some nostalgia or a connection that he had buried. I dont know how much you can do really, other than say you understand it must be tempting to reconnect, but she is in the past now and it's best left there for the safety and protection of your family.

And then leave it up to him.

In the bebo days you used to be able to see the location of people who had viewed your profile from their IP address.

It's ok Hill I knew what you meant!

I also took mine DP ex as saying "I'm outside and I'm available and I'm giving you an excuse to invite me in". Cah!

Anybody that thought for one moment it was possible he hasn't read that email are a bit short on the ole grey matter

OK, re the stalking:
Here is a made-up situation which might explain it. The details are completely made up, but serve as a good analogy.
So don't pick holes a la Mumsnet in the story, because the details are all made-up

Woman A has a work-related website with lots of photos, biographical and schedule-related info.

Woman B is the only teacher in the only school in a tiny village. It is hundreds of miles away from Woman A, and Woman A has never been there, nor knows anyone in it.
Woman B used to be in a relationship with Woman A's boyfriend.

Woman A has a statcounter which reveals details of internet traffic to website. (this info helps webmaster to get website high up on google)

A day after Woman B (the schooteacher) receives a message from her ex to say he has found someone new, Woman A starts receiving hits to her website several times a day from the IP address of that village school (i.e. with the name of that school on it). Quite understandable to be curious. A bit weird if it goes on for months on end, several times a day.

OP out of curiosity...do you have a plan of action yet?

Sorry this is pretty clear to me.

If an ex of mine, who I haven't seen for 10 years and had a history of Internet stalking my DH asked to meet up I my response would be "Fuck right off".

There is NOTHING to be gained from this meeting.

Their relationship is resolved - she's a nutter. Why exposé your family to that again? If she has changed and wants to apologise - so what? She might feel better but you ain't going to be BFF's are you .

Your DH needs a stern talking to - the fact he is even considering this is just barking

Hmm, thinking about what to do.

Yellow, yes that's pretty much what I feel.

I had something similar with my ex boyfriend. he didnt want his ex to know we were seeing each other in case it hurt her.

would hurt him, more like.

i dont like the sound of this woman anyway. all that dumping and getting back together and then cheating. it sounds like she wants him dangling on a string, just so she can feel good about herself.

I would just say to your dh that you don't want him to go, the thought of it makes you very uncomfortable and you think it would be playing with fire

Then leave it there.

I would be fuming if my dh put me in this position.