Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

[hillfort]

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

"This is not about the 'OW' - it's about you and how much you trust, or don't trust your DH."

Madam - you have clearly never lived a betrayal. Betrayal arises out of a character flaw, and 'reasonable' expectations just do not wash in this situation [of flirtatiousness and boundary crossing].

WHY are you putting this back on to the wife? Her gut feel, instinct, spidey sense, whatever it is called, has picked up (correctly IMO) that this woman is flakey and drama-filled, that their 'past' and she doesn't trust her H.

Whilst you cannot control what another person will or will not do, you can talk to them clearly and let them know clearly what they will be throwing away if they decide that your feelings and need to be cherished are not considered as important as the ego stroke they want.

I'm still reading; thank you all for your thoughts.
I do trust my husband, very much, and know that he wouldn't stray. I just don't want this extra complication in our lives, and any unintended consequences. Is it uncharitable of me not to want to have her sitting in my living room, making polite conversation? Or going off for a tete-a-tete on her own with my husband? I don't have any dislike or resentment of her, and certainly no jealousy of their past. I just find it a bit weird...

It is weird OP

Before mn I'd never known of people being buddies with their exs.

No you aren't weird.

I wouldn't have any issues with DH seeing his ex's.

I think it might depend on what stage of your lives someone was in your life and whether it's all about a trip down memory lane.

My exs who I keep in rare contact with spanned years that were very formative for me- pre uni, uni, first job etc. All of that is 30 years away now, and any bad feeling or resentment about the break ups have long gone. Each of them shared pretty important times of my life and are in some cases my only contact with those times. There is also the feelings of mortality that creep up on you- one ex is 60s, another 70s ( were older than me) so sometimes it's nice just to say 'how you doing?' and remember the days when you met- without the romantic edge to it.

BUT this is just me- it's not going to work for everyone.

I wouldn't want to meet my ex's for lunch or a drink or anything. I'd hate to hurt my Dh like that, even if he said he was OK with it, I'd be worried he might feel hurt. I married and love one man, and have the utmost respect for him and would even entertain hurting his feelings on purpose.