Husband's ex-girlfriend wants to meet up with him.

[hillfort]

I'm uneasy about it. They bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago and since then she texted him suggesting they meet for lunch, no invitation extended to me or our toddler, who she knows about.

My husband was with her for 10 years, having got together at uni. She cheated on him so he ended it, then I came along (he vaguely knew me at uni but we bumped into each other years later and that was it - engagement, marriage and child.)

The reason I'm uneasy is because she internet-stalked me on a daily basis for about 10 months when I was first with my husband. I don't want to out myself by going into details about how I knew - suffice to say she had a very specific IP address. I felt it was in the realms of the bunny-boiler at the time, although she wouldn't have known that I was aware of her checking up on me. She wasn't stalking me to intimidate me - I think it was just an obsession for her.

If she had texted my husband to say "I'd love to meet you, hillfort and baby hillfort for lunch" I might have felt better about it. But the invitation seemed to have been for my husband only.

I trust my husband completely, and am happy that he has told me about the text, and hasn't replied to her. He said that nothing would ever happen with her, and he is totally committed to me and our child, which I believe.

I do feel though that we have all the daily domesticity that goes with parenthood and it's inevitable not as romantic as it was at the beginning. If he met up with her, it might remind him of his happy carefree uni days, and even though I know wouldn't cheat, I would hate it if a meeting with her made him wistful for these bygone days. I also felt he discussed it with me for too long; I made clear I wasn't crazy about them meeting, but he kept asking me, instead of quickly accepting no for an answer.

You say that you trust your DH completely but it seems you don't really on some level.

I wouldn't ever dream of telling my DH if he could or could not meet somebody for lunch. And I wouldn't be taking my lunch partners from a pre-approved list my DH gives to me. But thats us I guess.

Your DH will probably spend the lunch bragging abou t you and the baby. It might be nothing more than a chance for him to finally shove his happiness in her cheating face. And no matter how 'over' people anybody claims to be, sometimes a good brag and victory lap is good for the soul.

The point is surely- if you 'forbid' him, will he do what you say?

It ought to be his call, based on his feelings and whether he feels ( deep down) that he might be vulnerable to her attention.

I think it would be much better to be casual about it, appear to trust him 100%, and wish him a lovely lunch.

You can't 'own' anyone. You can't keep him locked up in case he meets someone he might run off with.

This is not about the 'OW' - it's about you and how much you trust, or don't trust your DH.

If you feel he is vulnerable to the charms of other women then that is something you need to address either personally, or as a couple.

If he is committed to you then he won't stray. I'd leave the decision entirely up to him.

if you dont want him to go (understandably) then just say that you appreciate him asking because you really dont want him to.

OP - you dp realise you can read an email and then 'mark' it as unread so it looks unread, don't you?!

Not sure if anyone else has said that so sorry if someone has already told you that :)

I have a slightly different take on this. I would arrange to meet her - your DH, you and baby. In somewhere neutral (and baby friendly!). Seeing that you're a family will make their break up 'real', if she's entertaining any ideas of seducing your dh. She may have romanticised their relationship, but I imagine seeing your child may make her see things differently.

She may not be the mentalist that you're making her out to be.

But I would definitely read that email first. Then make your DH delete it.

Bollocks to that BS about him not having read that email. Its so easy to mark it unread and why on earth bother keeping an unread email for so long?

You need to stop focusing on her so much. She is not the problem.

The person you need to focus on is DH - you cannot stop him from having an affair if he chooses to have one but you both can talk about boundaries, secrets and friendships ( good link

As others said, the email is worrying. Firstly because there is no reason to keep it. If he didn't want to read it surely he would just have deleted it years ago. Secondly, because it most likely has been read and flagged as unread.

I know people will say that it takes two to cheat and that if he loves you it doesn't matter what she tries. But that is not always true. My DH ex turned up about 10 years ago. We had been married 10 years by then. She instigated a meeting, with all of us and told me she just wanted us all to be friends. She was married too. We met her DH and all our children met.

She was a complete lunatic. Started asking my DH to help her out as she and her partner were having problems. Would ask my DH to take her to view houses as she was splitting up with her DH. Started ringing him at all hours, then one day phoned him to say she had no where to go, was at a hotel and had no money. DH met here there and paid for her room for a few nights to help her out. That night she was phoning our home, saying she was going to kill herself if myvDH didn't go to her. Phoned his parents to tell them they were in love. In the end someone called an ambulance and she was admitted to hospital on mental health grounds.

I spoke to her DH and he told me she was addicted to drugs and alcohol, had completely lost the plot and had formed an obsession with my DH. She lost her home, marriage and had her child taken away from her.

I was very angry at DH for allowing this to happen. Because somewhere along the line he had put himself in this position and was enjoying being the knight in shining armour, helping her out. It very nearly destroyed us and while I'm sure there was no affair on a physical level, emotionally I'm not so sure. And all this happen in plain sight.

How do you if d put someone is cyber staking you? How do you know she sent him a 'big' email if you never opened it?

Sorry, have only read the first page.

What a horrible experience, Downtontrout. However, I do think your story kind of underlines the point I and MadAboutHotChoc have made, amongst others: the OP should resist seeing this in terms of Crazy Stalker Ex and instead focus on her husband's behaviour.

If the man is sensible and switched on right from the start, even the most deluded obsessive can't do any damage to a relationship. Your DH wasn't at all interested in an affair, but as you say he was interested in the emotional kickback from being a knight in shining armour and this is what led him to cross boundaries.

Over my rotting corpse would my DH be going to meet an ex.

Affairs happen in even the best marriages. Very few people set out to have them. They meet someone they feel an attraction to/connection with, get friendly and feel bad about it - so in order to make it all seem more acceptable they start convincing themselves that there are problems in the relationship. After all, if that relationship was that great they wouldn't be feeling like this towards someone else, would they

I'd certainly be reading the email.

That's all been explained Redlocks.

I'm with Calamity.

Over my dead body would my h be meeting with an ex.

His ex was a psycho from all the stories I heard. If he was adamant in meeting her, his bags would be packed ASAP.

I agree madbuslady. The problem is, her DH is already showing signs of putting the ex first. By not wanting to appear rude, keeping the email etc.

This is a red flag. He asked for OPs opinion, but then didn't just accept it. He has kept his options open, for whatever reason, it could just be curiosity.

And now, whatever the OP says to him she will be fighting a losing battle, as if he really wasn't bothered about meeting up with the ex he would have just said " sorry, no thanks, but it was good to see you." and that would be that.

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to be the voice of doom. I would just be very wary if I were you.

hillfort- listen to yourself and what you wrote.

Your first post is full of ' I trust him, he's committed, blah blah..' all the way through.

Yet the sub-text is 'I don't trust him- he's vulnerable to this woman's charms'.

Which is it?
If it were the former, would you have asked a bunch of internet strangers?

You can't STOP him from seeing anyone if he wants to- all that will happen is he will lie or be evasive with the truth.

The bottom line really is- does he want to see her to catch up on their lives, for a quick coffee, or does he not? Can he see her as just a friend ? Is it even worth bothering with a coffee or lunch if he doesn't want to maintain any contact?

This is what he needs to grapple with and decide. And it's what you should discuss together.

mixxy

*"You say that you trust your DH completely but it seems you don't really on some level.

I wouldn't ever dream of telling my DH if he could or could not meet somebody for lunch. And I wouldn't be taking my lunch partners from a pre-approved list my DH gives to me. But thats us I guess."*

BUT the OP hasn't started off by telling her DH who he can or cannot meet for lunch or from a pre-approved list. The trouble here is the OPs husband has unfairly passed the onus on the OP to "approve" this meeting for lunch with the ex. Understandably, the OP is not happy about it.

Speaking from experience, I wish my DP had taken more decisive action to nip contact from his persistent ex in the bud. As it happened, I was younger and more insecure and I most often blamed the nightmare ex. The truth is they both kept in touch although I felt that was more because he's a soft touch and she was manipulative and needy. The OP needs to sort this out with her DH. The ex is not the important issue here per se.

bold fail. grrr. the bits in " " are mixxy's comments that I was referring to.

I've been in this situation but the other way around. I don't know if this helps but this is what happened to me.

My ex from 18 years ago sent me a drunken text message saying 'hi Up, I'm sorry, I still love you' I had no idea who it was from (my mobile number is freely available online due to my work). The next day he sent an apology saying how he sometimes gets nostalgic. We texted a couple of times, I told him I'd just (literally) had a baby and he told me he was married with a son. Then he asked if I fancied meeting up for a coffee.

My DP was aware of all of this - I showed him the initial text the minute I got it.

I would have liked to go (in spite of all of that) and told my DP who immediately said 'No - I really don't want you to'. He's always felt that my ex has a pull over me. He doesn't but I know how strongly my DP feels about it. I text back and said 'I can't, but it was good to hear from you - take care' or something like that.

In my DPs situation, I probably would have said the same. An ex should never be so important that you put meeting them above the feelings of your partner, IMO.

(I ended up bumping into ex 3.5 years later when me and DP were having problems and we did meet up for coffee (innocently) that time - just talking about when things weren't messy between me and DP)

-Would be wanting to see that email
-Would say no

Hi all, I'm travelling, limited connection, will update tonight.
Interested to hear your stories and experience of this situation....

I would love to catch up with 2 of my exes. The relationships ended pretty amicably and they were both a massive chunk of my life. I'd find it really enjoyable to reminisce about school days and travelling round the world and all the old memories. Not because there is anything "between" us with either of them but because we have such a lot of shared history and had such fun times.

My ex before I met DH I would absolutely NOT want to meet because it ended very messily and he was an arsehole.

But the earlier 2 I have sadly lost touch with because my DH was a jealous tosser when we first met and threw a paddy about me occasionally meeting up with them. I still feel really sad that I don't get to swap each of our baby photos and have the annual coffee and catch up. I feel its a loss that I had to stop contact with 2 really nice guys who I shared so much with and who became friends long after we had stopped being lovers.

I can understand why my H was uncomfortable with it - he met me after them and was jealous that they had shared so much of my life. And I did respect his wishes. But I'm still sad those old contacts are lost and the old memories can't be shared and laughed over now we are all elsewhere in our lives.

I think I would need to read the email

Also explain to DH why it makes you uncomfortable.

I used to meet my ex about once a year. I was with him on and off for a long time and I feel he was a big part of my life's history. I would happily meet up with him for a cuppa and a catch up - find out how his family are, what hes been up to. Its just nice and like seeing an old friend. Ex was happy to do this, and my DP knew and didn't care at all because there was absolutely nothing in it. I assumed his partner knew. However ex then got married and now will not even respond to my messages, even the ones congratulating him

I now feel like there must have been more to it on ex's part, because of the weirdness now that he is married. Perhaps his new wife thought I had an agenda all this time and put her metaphorical foot down once they were married. Perhaps he thinks he will sully his marriage by seeing me. I don't know for sure but I think I couldn't meet up with him ever again because the weirdness suggests its not as platonic for him as I thought it was.

I would be happy for my DP to see an ex, as long as there was no agenda on his part. I trust him completely and accept that ex's can be friends. And also, he might go and see this ex and be reminded of all the reasons it ended and come back full of appreciation for you. I used to after seeing my ex, even though I used to love talking to him I always thought "Thank god I'm not still with him!" at the end!

I had a very similar situation recently with my DP and his ex. She wanted to fly halfway around the world to visit him. She's also a crazy one - threatening suicide, phoning him at all hours from the other side of the world, etc. In the end it was ultimatum time and she disappeared very quickly indeed once he realised he was in danger of losing me... Stick to your guns on this one and trust your instincts. Good luck!

OK, so the consensus is that it's not a good idea. If he raises it again I might ask him to read this thread, and hopefully he will understand why it makes me uncomfortable. Thank you all.

If you are still reading... I am on Xmas card terms with a few significant ex's and the very occasional 'how are you' email.
I used to see a significant ex after I married, we met roughly once a year, for dinner or lunch. He was still single in late middle age. I had NO agenda, but he was an ex colleague as well as an ex, so we had lots of shared history.

When he married - years after I did- his wife pretty much banned contact between us. He told me she was insecure and couldn't understand why we kept in touch. We now do Xmas cards only and the VERY occasional chat- once he called me about something connected with our work.

I feel sad that his wife reacted as she did because we'd had a long relationship, which fizzled out for all kinds of reasons, and I had no designs on him at all.

I also had some long distance friendly contact with an ex and his wife banned him from seeing me too- he asked if she'd mind if we met for lunch when I was in the area, and she said she did- so he didn't see me. A couple of years later she left him for another man after she'd had a fling. work that one out.

So- my take on it is that it's possible to be on friendly terms if everyone is grown up about it and there is no intention at all on either side to turn back the clock.