Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I know mnetters don't do hugs but please have a gentle squeeze of solidarity from me better (just gone through the court fiasco myself) x

Charlotte I've encountered the same 'why rock the boat' crew and these were in the most toxic relationships.I've lost lots of 'friends' through being strong and leaving.Hurts but who needs needs folk who think like that,sad but you know why you need to leave.Sod the rest IMO

Sending strength to all tonight

Charlotte, 38 years is around half your life, why would you give an abusive man that? The children will not thank you. They may just feel guilty. But you are right, ignore.

honey, hope you are okay. I put Lundy under the mattress when I got to that bit and it is still there. Hope the exams went okay.

paft, sounds like a nightmare, but you have been strong. I am also NC except arrangements and via solicitors, much better for your mental health. Stay strong.

better, am so hoping for a positive end to this for you. You are doing so well to get through it and be strong for ds.

fff, agree with the others, everything he said was blaming you, my heart sank for you when I read the conversation. My best advice is space, space, space, he is guilting you for being a good mother (!), and messing with your head. Am uncomfortable commenting on the rest, it just seems another form of manipulation to me.

My thought just now, on anger, I just had a minute of clarity just now when I realised to be angry about all this is healthy, because it means you do not blame yourself, but recognise the injustice of what has been done to you. It is like to be angry, you have to acknowledge the truth. Just for a minute, I realised I should be angry about what has gone on post-split, but I can't be angry, because then I might go to pieces. And the other reason is because it is still going on. I realise at the end of handover, I am holding my breath. It has not yet stopped. But more, I feel like I do not deserve to be angry, because on some level I must have deserved it. Which is nonsense, I know. Contact weekends are bloody exhausting.

Nods at sweet

My therapist said 'you will come to the stage of indifference' I'm still waiting and like you biting my tongue and seething with anger/wtf?/you complete shithead/I used to love you,you are a complete stranger etc

Thank you for your kind words.

I hope I do come to the stage of indifference. At the moment, I don't know what I feel. When we split up, I had a strong feeling of being twisted, like twisting and turning in a trap, when I was with him, or heard from him. Actually, I think I have just realised, and I need to reflect on this. It is a toxic feeling. He is toxic to me. He also makes me feel threatened. The latter is getting less, which is why I think I am recognising the toxic feeling.

Maybe I need to start reading up on how to deal with toxic people.

paft, maybe time does help, if not heal, at least in sorting out the feelings, and other aspects taking over. I hope so.

I hope so too.

I just know even though he continues this abuse,I will learn and I will be stronger and hopefully detach completely so it doesn't rile/upset/make me obsess.

It will take time,it's just very hard to accept the continued abuse when you've left the abuser.so flipping frustrating,isn't it and you can't help but think,over think and them take up a portion of your headspace.

A friend just messaged me saying when can he come around and get ex in the groin with a sharp implement [smiles] ...

Anyone have awful dreams of ex? I've been plagued for weeks...awful 3am dreams that sod my day up as they are so real.

I need some help.

I'm sobbing my heart out as I type and my parents are on their way here.

I've just asked H whether he feels sorry flr all the times he's hurt me telling me I'm too fat, greedy and don't eat enough. He has replied that he's nothing to be sorry about. If anything i should be apologising to him for not getting my pre-baby body back (even though i would say I have - my clothes still fit me fine) like I agreed I would.

I also asked whether he regretted the over-friendly texts that he sent. He said again nothing to regret - it was a ll above board, He wouldn't mind if I'd sent/received those texts provided nothing was going on. I said it crossed a line and I wasn't comfortable with that or the possibility of him doing it again.

He then countered that every time i'd chosen my parents over his (choosing based on his opinion that we should only see them a few times per year, anything more is excessive) has hurt him in exactly the same way.

So I said I was not willing to live like this anymore and would be moving out. he said 'fine' if I want to desert him and DD. I said I'd take her with me. He said no way. He currently works away M-F but will stop that immediatly ahd have full custody of her and I can come round to 'her home' and spend a few hours with her.

This is because she needs both of us together. We shoudl work harder, go to counselling, stay together whatever the cost.

i sadi that she can't see this model of a relationsyhip. He said she never hears what he says to me. I asked if he'd tell her to tone up when she was a teenager if my size. He replied he'd never let her get to my shape. I am a SIZE 10 with a low normal BMI.

Every time I said he couldn;'t stop hercoming with me he said 'just try me I'll fight and fight. She will stay here in her home,. You can go but you're abandoning both of us'

How can I leave with this threat. I can't leave her with him and just see her now and again. He says he'll never allow her to spend a night in 'my house'

thanks im ok just needed to regather myself... exams are over now, got a 2 month wait for results

i havent had many dreams about my ex himself but have had many where im with a man whos behaving just like him, needy, controlling, manipulative and cheats. and i wake up feeling depressed.
even in my dreams i get the loser men

FFF: I am better and stronger when I don't see him. This. This is exactly it. I spent about 6 months trying to work on things with FW after I left. And in everything that happened in that time - this. And I think he knew this, which is why he demanded I spend so much time with him 'working' on things.

And don't worry, you don't have to confess everything to us! I did the same, ended up back in bed with FW, although I held out for about a month, and then let myself be reeled back into the physical stuff - that's why I said to you before about maintaining physical distance, FW knew it was my weak spot and used every opportunity for a hug or an arm squeeze or a touch, adopting a kicked puppy look if I pulled away. Your H is using the same tactics, and it's only to reel you back in. It's so confusing. But you can't make sense if he's continuing with the confusion, you need space to have a clear head. He shouldn't have invited you in. He knew what he was doing.

honey how did your exams go? Sorry to hear reading Lundy has been hard - it is hard, but brave to face the reality, so you can process it (and stop it happening again).

Paft (love the name!) - welcome. That sounds awful. Sorry you have been experiencing this. Have you had any decent legal advice, or spoken to WA?

Charlotte - the thought of you being exhausted from dancing in the kitchen with DD2 made me !
she'd managed 38 years before leaving her marriage
Sounds like she thinks it is a competition, and wants to make herself feel better for subjecting herself to that misery for sooooo long. Wonder how her kids feel about her having managed to stay for so long.
You're right, no point engaging her/wasting your breath. Concentrate on getting support from those who are offering it, and ignore the vampires. And well done on starting to tell people. Bet FW will find some way to spin it differently to them!

Sorry, think I missed some posts on the next page. And x-posted.

sweetpea - it is exhausting. But you do not deserve it. Your anger is valid. I know for myself, I am not used to dealing with anger (have a tendency to suppress anger, not express it) so feeling it so openly gives me funny sensations, i don't know what to do with it. Maybe it's more this?

bounty - hugs. Just that. How can you stay given that he's threatening you like this, and is so unrepentant about his abuse? You don't need his permission to up and leave with DD. This is part of 'the script' - I was told I'd be leaving DS2 behind if I left, and FW would give up his job to look after him. As soon as your parents arrive, just go to a hotel. Even if you have to get DD up in the middle of the night. Then call your solicitor first thing tomorrow.

bounty (((hugs)))) Can you just wait until he leaves for work, pack up what little is very important, take your daughter and leave? I think you may be reaching that point..... worried about you both now.

bounty have reread - they all threaten full custody. They don't get it. Please, just go go go! Am worried for you and DD. So glad your parent are on their way. Remember: he's alerted now, he may become dangerous. Please don't hesitate to call the police, or even just 101, if you have any concerns. We are here.

oh sorry, I see your parents are coming. While they're there, get your stuff and your daughter and get away from him. Go to a hotel, stay with your parents.

bounty when do you expect your parents to arrive?

He's gone to work now. I'm on my own with DD here. My parents should be here soon. Just so frightened that I'm going to lose everything. He was so cold and calm. Then walked out and said see you next weekend if you're still here

bounty, handholding, lovely lady. What a FW. Don't panic. If he stops his job, he will have no money, you have been DD's main carer and you have a steady job and income. You need a solicitor to act for you here. I'm hoping that his threats will fade when your parents arrive (can't remember if they know, I presume they do). That is what they are, threats. This talk is intended to have you react in panic (as would any loving mother). As pony says, it is part of the script, most men don't follow through.

Glad that your parents are on their way, hoping, like all bullies, he will fizzle out in front of them. If your parents can get you out with DD when they get here, go; if not, hang tight till he has gone to his job and then see a solicitor forthwith. It is not his choice to make, where your DD spends her nights, worst case scenario, it is the courts, and he won't get what he says he wants. I agree with Alice, even if you have to absolutely bite your tongue, wait until he leaves for work, say you will talk about it next weekend, and then just go. But see a solicitor asap.

bounty, you will NOT lose everything, sweetie. You have a place to rent lined up, you have a job, you can take DD with you, it is up to him to raise proceedings. Get a good solicitor and act only on legal advice. I have been where you are, you need to focus on where you want to be in a year's time, not the fear. You will feel better when parents arrive, and when you have seen a solicitor. But honestly, don't stay there till next weekend. It is not going to get better.

I'll go and see my solicitor this week. I'm moving out on Thursday anyway (he doesn't know this). I'll just be gone when he gets back I think. And maybe bring DD round to spend time with him during the weekend. I've been reading the 'abusive men as parents' section of Lundy. It seems to say try not to stop access as some courts will look unfavourably on this as the mother being controlling. I'll talk to solicitor about this too.

He has masses of savings. He could easily afford not to work for several years if he wanted to. Although when i've been working and he's been SAHD he's moaned constantly about how unfulfilling it is. But I think he'd do it just to spite me

He really thinks he's doing the right thing by DD by forcing me to stay. Thank you so much for all being here for me. At least I've stopped crying now. I suppose in a way him being a FW and ramping it up helps as it does mean that I really can't see it ever working out.

No, i didn't mean stop access, that is not in DD's interests either, unless there are welfare concerns. But do it on neutral ground in the first instance, play park, soft play, don't take her to the house, if you have any concerns that he will make it difficult for you to pick her up. I meant, he would need to raise proceedings for residency, which he won't do.

Thanks so much. My parents are here now

bounty just wanted to jump in and add to the hugs. They do all seem to do this, and the line that she'll never spend a night in your house really got to me as I've heard exactly the same thing. You need a fast forward switch - it will all work out OK in the end, and now you've made a start.

bounty his little speech was specifically designed to do just what it did - put that fear of losing DD into your mind, in the hope that it would stop you going. If he really was going to follow through with his idle threats, he'd not have gone to away to work tonight. I know it's frightening and scary, the things he said though. Savings or not, I bet he wont. My FW threatened to give up work so he would be DS2's main carer. He threatened to give up work if I went ahead and rented my flat (I went ahead, and lo and behold he did nothing of the sort). It's bluster. He thinks he has such a hold over you that all he needs to do is flex his muscles and you'll be back where he wants you. He's not figuring on you actually having a mind of your own.

Glad you plan to go this week anyway. Not sure I'd let him see DD next weekend, I was so flexible with FW re him seeing DS2 whenever he wanted, I felt guilt for leaving and keeping DS2 from him, and he used it against me and had me run ragged with trying to facilitate him seeing him.

And No no no - he does not think he's doing the right thing by DD. He thinks he's doing the right thing for him. He is the only person he is thinking about. Hugs to you tonight, my lovely.

bounty I'm so glad that you have some support on the way. Please be safe, and let us know you're okay when you can. I don't know if your FW would come back from work early in hopes of causing trouble, but hopefully he will just be out of the way so that you can get sorted and leave without any further confrontations.

If he really was going to follow through with his idle threats, he'd not have gone to away to work tonight.