Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bounty I am going to bed now, but I will be online pretty much most of tomorrow, working Mumsnetting so I'll be around if you need any support. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, I am sure your head and stomach will be churning. So glad you have RL support from your parents, it is truly invaluable. Take care, sweetie. xx

Bounty - I'm so glad your parents are with you. He is trying to frighten you. Lots of love and hugs coming to you. I'm so sorry that he has put you in this awful situation.

pony - you are absolutely right. He is doing exactly that. The kicked puppy look! The 'if you don't want me in your life anymore just say'. I'm not saying that he forced me into bed - I was so desperate to feel loved it was amazing. But I know that he will think that he has worked his magic and I find him so irresistible that we will be back at home soon. So I have really messed up. I have no intention of letting him move back.
I have re read some of your replies. Thank you for your views. It does make me see things more clearly. It reminds me of how manipulative our fw can be. And sometimes we forget. Because we want it to be normal.

sweetpea - yes he was trying to make me feel guilty about my relationship with the DC. He is jealous of it and of them. He admitted that. But that isn't my fault. He has had the same chance as I have to forge the same relationships. He chose not to. Like every mother my children have always and will always come first.

Thank you for acknowledging that. And I also think like you with regards to blame, anger and deserving what we get.
Thank god we can support each other. You are the only ones that really understand.
My parents are home from holiday tomorrow and I have to tell them h has moved out. My mother will be pleased.!

High sigh

But I know that he will think that he has worked his magic and I find him so irresistible that we will be back at home soon. So I have really messed up. I have no intention of letting him move back.

Thanks so much everyone for being here when I needed you :)

My parents have just left. We've talked everything through. I have a plan in my mind but won't write it here just in case of prying eyes ....

I have had my mind put at rest re the custody thing. As my Mum has pointed out, even Paul McCartney with all his millions, hot shot lawyers, could give up work and live off thr royalties for evermore still has a 50-50 split with Heather Mills on their child. MyFW may have some savings but he sure isn't a multi millionaire ex-beatle.

I think like you say this was his last Ace card to claw back control. And I'm not going to let it happen.

I would love that FF switch to this time next year when I will hopefully be happy and free. (and with DD most of the time)

Off to bed now. Feel wrung out and exhausted.

BTW I think my Dad may be a closet MNer!!! He actually said at least this latest outburst gives me some 'clarity'!

So another night on the sofa for me as he doesn't want to know which has caused a row. He laughed at my feelings earlier although now denying this. He said the reason my 8 year old daughter was calling him into her room was to get him away from me. This is the man who wanted me to do webcam sex, go outside and have Sex at night so really dogging. He is 49 I am 35. And he doesn't get why I feel so unwanted and unloved. I just pointed out that through none of the births of our 4 kids did he ever buy me flowers, he denied this completely. I explained how he bought me flowers On his birthday as I made food for his mum and daughter but couldn't remember the time before that, I got shit for this as apparently he could but refuses to tell me when. I feel so rubbish and unwanted how I can explain this to him without him making it all about his feelings?

It all seems so silly if I were to try and explain it to people.

Bounty- hand holding for you today xxxxxxxx well done for confiding in your parents. Onwards and upwards now.

Topknob - we all have that feeling of not being loved. It's not silly. We completely understand. We bend over backwards to accommodate their needs and we just one a small gesture of love and kindness. My favourite flowers are daffodils. The cheapest flowers you can buy. Has he ever bought me any? Or picked one and brought it in ........ Of course not.
He's a fw
Have some from us with love

bounty - phew! Fasten your seatbelt for the ride to freedom

Thank you fishface :) made me smile just typing that !

Bounty, just read back, good luck xxx

FFF: I was so desperate to feel loved. This. In spades. This is what kept me trying with my FW for so long. I was so grateful for any crumb of affection from him that I both hated it and loved it when he went to hug me after I left. I didn't want him to, but it felt so good... You haven't messed things up, it's just a minor blip. It changes nothing. Time to start working on your own self-esteem, have you booked any counselling for yourself?

bounty - hurray for your parents (and your dad's MNetting wisdom!! ). I wouldn't be surprised if the calls and texts start from your STBXH, trying to either threaten you some more or hoover you back up, pleading with you and trying to make you feel guilty. You'll need to be strong and stalwart about it, and cut him off - no matter what tack he takes, it's only about him and what he'll lose, never about you, DD, or recognising his abuse of you. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat free from potentially prying eyes.

topknob - that all sounds pretty awful. I think the thing to say here is that you probably can't explain it all to him, not in a way that will actually get through to him or make a difference. You have already tried, lots of times by the sound of it. You can't change him - he sounds horrible. But you can change yourself. Start working on yourself, thinking about what you want from life, what you want from your relationship. And whether you want to continue living like this. Have a look at the links at the top of the page, they are all really useful.

Morning everyone,
Bounty your parents are being so supportive, I am so glad you have them. Regarding residencey/contact etc. you are not threatening to let him and have no contact - you are in a difficult position - you leave DD there.. he says you have left/abandoned her... you take DD with you... you have taken her away from him. I am sorry I can't remember how old she is? does he not think she has a say? the current status quo is what is important, he is currently working and you are her main carer, you feel unsafe and so DD would go with you, and has contact with FW as you both can arange. If his firm position is not in DD's best interest which it seems not to be, then you are having to do what you feel is, which is what you are doing IMO. My advice would be if you do leave this week, leave a letter with some contact suggestions but say you are open to his suggestions too as long as they are in your DD's best interests. Point out this is very early days and you understand that it may take a a little time to get the best arangements for DD in place, look and sound responable and let your sol have a copy of your letter and his reply. He seems very angy and you may just get a reply that put before a court, god forbid it got to that, that would not please the court.
paft My therapist said 'you will come to the stage of indifference' I'm still waiting and like you biting my tongue and seething with anger/wtf?/you complete shithead/I used to love you,you are a complete stranger etc I am seeing mine again this week and will be asking where is this stage of indifference... I do question is it my inability to get to that or is it because my FW continues his abuse?
Sweatpea even when I loose the anger, I seem to get the anxiety instead.
topknob I am sorry what you are going through, I still find it hard to explain things and am about to have to do it in court. The advice on here has really helped me explain things.
I seem to always feel low on Monday, I think that it is because at teh weekend there are no `official' things going on - although DS is still upset by what has been going on and been hard to parent should I say. I dead that i will once again settle him and it starts up again for him and me.

topknob this of yours : couldn't remember the time before that, I got shit for this as apparently he could but refuses to tell me when. - reminded my of my FW. Say if he told me he was doing something next week, if I forgot details and asked 'when was that again?' he would say "I've told you already" and refuse to answer.

pony is right, he will never get it. Hope kept me hanging on for far too long, it's a hard thing to give up, but in giving up hope re our FWs we become free to invest hope in our own future.

Hope kept me hanging on for far too long, it's a hard thing to give up, but in giving up hope re our FWs we become free to invest hope in our own future.

That's brilliant Silvery, a perfect way to describe it. I couldn't properly invest in myself until I let go of the hope, and of the fantasy vision of 'our family life' that I had created (but never actually existed).

better that's a really good idea about the letter re contact, that sounds like a fair approach. (not that he will see it that way!!) And great idea re giving a copy of the solicitor.
Re the indifference - it's a funny thing. I held on to the fantasy and the hope for ages. I now feel indifferent in lots of ways, but that's not to say I don't still have feelings for FW (wish I didn't, but I do). But I will get there. It's a long process, and I think for you, because he has come back into your life so suddenly, with such force, and everything is so unsettled it will be very difficult to reach indifference. You are fire-fighting at the moment, for both you and DS. So don't beat yourself up for not being there yet. You will get there - it's just not possible to say when. Do what you can for yourself today, do what feels good and feels right.

Thanks pony you always offer such words of comfort and speak such sense. My sol is being much better now too, hope that stays the same.
I wish I had kept everything in triplicate from years ago but not for one minuite did I think this would happen, I guess I was still in denial and didn't realise it never stops, they don't change. I have enough though I feel that demonstrates what really happened then and not the fairy tale he is telling the court. I get his next chapter next week, it will be horrible reading, he has already lied so much, I guess all he can do now is lie more... god forbid he would retract what he has previously said to the court and start telling the truth. He knows the lies hurt me more.
Whay silvery says is so true amount how we invest our time, at the moment I am looking back at an embarrasing past but one I have moved on from, I will not be dragged there although I have to be for court. The future is important and if FW is in it, it will be just a nightmare. It would end badly in one way or another, I trust the court will see that and not push the process further at the moment. I hope and I pray.

better he is lying because he knows it hurts you, it is a way for him to get at you.
Remember: just because you haven't reached the point whereby his lies and behaviour don't affect you any more, doesn't mean that you can't pretend. Fake it till you make it. Don't let him see you distressed, put on a face of oscar-worthy boredom when you next face him in court.
Be gentle with yourself. ((hugs))

I agree with pony hold your head up high,even though this phase is so awful,you WILL get through it.Are cafcass involved with the case? (Ps understand if you don't want to disclose that on here).
Mondays are my low day too so sending strength and calm to you all.

cafcass were involved paft not at the min but could be again if the judge says so at the next (fourth) hearing. Only had Clerks so far. cafcass did a schedule 2 for the first hearing, they have rasied a lot of concerns, it doesn't read well for him, yet he continues to get legal aid and I have to pay, it's cripling, me exp knows that. cafcass totally believed me but the officer has left so not sure what the new ones could say, you never can, can you?
You are right pony I just don't know how I will be on the day, friends all think fine and I will come into my own, I wish I had thier confidence. I guess I like it on here because bless my friends in RL who are a amzing support but they don't know what it is like to feel like we feel and they can't understand just what my exp would will be willing to do to continue his abuse.

Sorry I've not been able to catch up with everyone, have been out of action all w/end and sorting out non-mol, which is now done.

I will hopefully get some catching up done over the next few days.

just wanted to say about Nigella!

how it was 'just to show her' did he REALLY say that!?

I am guessing it was probably her fault for making him so cross and making him behave like this in public just so that she could make him look bad.... hmmm

LTB

Hi Fi not spoken to you for ages. Good news on the non-mol (sort of) I hope it wasn't too difficult for you. You have remnded me about Nigella, I have not managed to read an full article - truley shocking and he has picked the wrong lady there.

on just skimmed current page...

Bounty it sounds like you've left from wht I have gathered here.. sending you huge strength lovely lady. And like he's not taken it lying down... think of yourself only, keep pushing him out mentally, and keep in mind what you want, how your life will be rich and special without him, how you will all be able to grow, now away from him lovely.

Also getting that you have your parents on side.. hurrah for supportive parents. ... and not fogetting that you have all us on side too lovely.

I hope you managed to get some rest last night, and are feeling ok today, as I say, I don't yet know the full backstory but my heart is going out to you sweetie... and the storm will subside.. prepare for the love bombing! Hold on tight, and breeeeethe xxxx

Just caught up on Nigella article - apparently he was just emphasising a point' WTF! no official complaint has been made to the police but they are looking into it themselves. I really hope she does make it official. Reading another article she is quoting as claiming they had a tempetuious' (sorry can't even spell it!!) relationship. She needs to come on here. This does not sound like an isolated incident and if he is allowing himself to lose control in public it scares me what he may do when no one is around. I know many of us have been there, she is a strong lady and probably like me thought, `I can handle this'. It is just so sad for her.

On a not brighter note - Stuart Hall has only got 15 months for 14 counts of indecent assault against young girls, one as young as nine. What is going on in our society, I don't care how old he is the sentance should fit the crime/s.

Just read it myself and was

I too hope she makes it official. Poor poor woman The quote about looking scared is a little fatuous. Its not scary when someone tries to strangle you. Its terrifying

A 'playful tiff'!!!!

BBC article...

bounty just saw your posts. hope your ok, i agree with the other ladies you deserve much better.
typical fw bloke using kids as a leash, pathetic thug.
stay strong hunni