Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

better - yay for zoning out, very good!

Alice - the school run idea: tut tut, did you suggest that children come with responsibilities?! Shame on you! :o

bounty I love your new book title - at the moment I am having to translate things all the time for friends and court peeps - those involved in the court process should defo get a copy and every girl from the age of 10 in fact we all could get it written in a couple of hours between us.
Thanks for your support and kind words girls.
No he didn't get what he wanted pony he didn't get direct contact but got some, as after asking for a friend of mine to do the lifestory work with DS he now wants it done again by an independent person as he didn't get the result he wanted. The Judge has given him one last chance but it's a s7 not a w&f as he wanted, so everything will be looked at inc. his abuse which I am not sure he fully understood the FW. Poor DS has to go through it again but to be honest I don't think they will push as hard as my friend and I did because they don't know what a FW he is. He will then of course call them biased when they write a negative report a pray to god each night for but the court have already said if it comes back negative that is it. He can also send DS a couple of things through the post - god knows what they will be and DS will go mad which will make him even more mad by the time cafcass see him. He does not know just how stubborn my DS can be. I am not usually smiling about that....

And pony, that sounds awful. And I presume to make it worse you didn't see it with the step-by-step cause-and-effect clarity you now see it with? Must've been very scary.

Oddly enough, H said he would have to get the money to buy item for relative. God knows why - when I said well why can't relative buy their own, he refused to answer. I think he's already promised it to them. And I think that they were planning on using it for the party that I said that we wouldn't be going to (yes, he's still annoyed about that too, based on a few comments he made).

Charlotte I may have mentioned that they were his children also. I may have reminded him that I do far more for the children than 2 poxy school runs a week. The nerve, right?

pony frightening and I'm sure looking back perplexing. It boggles the mind why they go off like that over the most miniscule things.

pony the incident about the birthday party is so shocking, just terrible, I can't imagine how you felt but so proud you stood up to him, it takes a massive amount of courage. They get so angry at themselves for having lost control and it is our fault, we must be punished so we don't dare do it again.
I am just not sure where my ex will go with this if he doesn't get' DS. We are not together and I just worry.... it's war, he's already very wound up. He will surely show me' with the things he sends, lets hope that he loses it a bit with that, we would still be safe but it may help me put more protection in place. What he sends will tell me a lot more that the court and DS which is what is more important to protect DS.

alice I was thinking just that - he has promised it already and he doesn't have the honesty to just explain to whoever he promised it to why he can't let them have it and he is not being honest to you about it either the FW!!

IMO he had no business offering it to someone else without checking with me first. And I have every right to say no.

but this nonsense about "I let you have this and this and this...."

What utter bollocks.

Alice I think part of his pouty lip was punishment to you for not going to the party as well as not jumping to give him this item. Either way, he's a FW!

better fingers crossed for everything, for your ex 'showing' himself, for the court seeing it. And for stubborn DSs to be stubborn at the right time!

That incident was terrifying. At the time, in the fog of being in the relationship, I think I knew it was about him wanting to control me (and DS2), but I couldn't really think beyond that, I was just devastated that someone I thought loved me could behave like that towards me - and the while our 6-week-old baby was inches away in his moses basket. In a way, I guess him being repentant and expressing a desire to change was a case of 'phew, he does love me after all. Everything will be ok.' Does that makes sense? And he knew that, which is why he said it.
Only two nights ago, he texted me to say he still had feelings for me, and still loved me. He still thinks all he has to do is tell me he loves me and I'll feel duty-bound to forgive him. Wrong on so many levels.

alice I would not let him have any more of your head space if you can, let him worry about how he tells whoever he shouldn't have told he can have something that is not his to give why they can't have it. You can relax lovely lady, he is someone else's problem.
Pony you have to just deal with it at the time as best you can don't you, I have dragged up things from so long ago and just said to my little old self - what were you doing better!! but yes `everything will be ok' was always my mantra and still is.

That's funny, better, FW used to promise me 'Everything will be ok'. Like dangling a carrot. Today, at my counsellor session, I said to her I feel like my current mantra is 'Everything is ok' - and I think that's a significant difference. I know, I look back and think 'why did I put up with it?' But I was a different person then. I have been made even more resilient in the last year, from what I've been through.

One last nugget from me before I slope off to bed: I recently bought myself a 'statement' ring with birthday money. I wanted something to replace my wedding ring for everyday use, but something that I loved and that spoke to me. After trying on loads that I liked, I found one that I loved and bought it instantly. I just looked it up online, and the gemstone (labradorite) is apparently known as a power stone, and is believed to build inner strength and conviction. And it is called 'Yours Always'. It is my gift to myself, so I like that - I will always belong to me. My counsellor said this morning she could see a change in me, wonder if I am radiating my inner strength and conviction!!

Anyway, night all. x

pony about your ring and about belonging to yourself.
thinking about being relieved when they apologise, I think part of it is if they don't apologise you have to fully face up to what the person you thought loved you has just done to you. if that makes sense. if they don't apologise they are effectively saying Stet -I am letting what I (or my actions) just said about you stand. or even worse I might do it again.
so the relief is it is not true, they did not mean it, they are not going to do it again and so the tension goes because you are safe for now and the traumatic bonding cranks up.
But really all of it the action, the apology is all just part of their distorted thinking pattern. I am entitled to do this. and if I apologise I am entitled to forgiveness.
I am entitled to tell you I love you no matter the evidence to the contrary.

FW.

have been thinking about when of my FWs disturbing traits...he used to ask me if I had ever been sexually assaulted. no. he would ask if I was sure because the issue of male sexual violence used to make me really angry if it came up. well why not? it is vile and shocking and we should be angered by it. but he kept asking and saying that a lot of his exs had been and that women who had been tended to gravitate to him and/or tell him about it because they must see him as strong and protective.
i always thought it was not his place to tell me things that had been told him.in confidence and also that there was some creepy ghoulishness about it. god knows how he would have exploited it if I had been and had told him.

and also realised that his admiration for various dictators is because he sees nothing wrong with oppression because he thinks some people are inferior and deserve to have their voices silenced and their decisions made for them for their own good. (which is how he views his children even the ones who are nearly grown up)

Pony - I love that you have bought yourself a ring. And I'm also sad and sorry for all that you have endured .

Better - congratulations for your court day. You did brilliantly.

Alice- good for you standing your ground (the item). He doesn't want it but he would rather give it away than let you have it. Fw fw fw

Am still suffering insomnia ahhhhhhh but at least the vertigo has gone

I know, I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm trying to shrug it off. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this - get upset over stupid little things.

I think it's just that it's so unreasonable and so petty. He wasn't willing to listen when I tried to tell him he was making no sense. I guess my first mistake was trying to explain why I said no. If he doesn't get it, there's no point in trying to make it clearer. He didn't want to hear anything other than complete agreement, so anything else I said was doomed to get a bad reaction.

Re the party, I offered to have them come over the day before, which is H's visit, but by then he already wasn't talking to me. Childish, really. Not speaking to me because he is angry - trying to "punish" me. I told him I was willing to discuss things as adults, but that meant no shouting or sniping, and he didn't want to know.

I'm sure this is going to have a bad knock-on effect for the next visit. And I'm dreading this, but if he is going to spend the whole day being nasty, there's no point in visiting. I've told him this, but he doesn't seem to listen. So this next visit he gets one warning, and if he continues, he can leave. I think I've been more than cooperative, but I'm tired of this already.

Alice, you are absolutely right. If you don;t establish boundaries now..it will just get harder and he will wear you down.

Saying no is not in itself unreasonable, saying that he can;t treat you in certain ways is not unreasonable, saying that behaviour has consequences is not unreasonable. So why is it hard so hard for us to stay firm and maintain those reasonable boundaries.

I am sure you will manage as you hae thought it through ahead of time.

however in my case it always takes a HUGE emotional toll and I am so tired afterwards...need a cure for this...anyone found one???

mink just read your post from last night. that's some list of disturbing traits. Really awful. Soooooo glad you are away from him in that sense.

Alice that sounds like a good plan. Do you know, you should go back and read some of your posts from before you split from ex, I think you will see a huge difference in yourself already. You sounded so defeated and ground down before. Now Alice has balls!

fool is right, it is not the size/importance of the thing itself, but how much energy it takes just to establish and maintain boundaries on such a (supposedly) simple issue. Dealing with FWs is exhausting.
Hope you are doing ok fool, after all the shenanigans from your FW.

well shenanigans go on...but now he has his lawyer involved...suspect it will get worse at first but hope that then it will get better.

it is exhausting isn't it?

ime a lawyer can at least tell a FW what is not possible - I had to do that myself, getting advice from my own solicitor re some of FW's suggestions, since he represented himself...

I suspect it will get worse first too Fool it goes on and on... but then it ends. I found that acting for myself and getting my own boundaries established for me was and is some of the biggest work I've had to do. Not only because mine were trashed, but also because of his refusal to accept me having any boundaries, or control of my life being received by him as control of him?!?!?! well thats what he always told me.

The support and validation from here, police, WA, and everyone else has definitely reduced the levels of exhaustion involved in doing it without these things.

Knowing that I am always being completely reasonable and fair (despite being made to feel the opposite) as affirmed by those who's opinions I respect.

Lots more energy and strength to you lovely lady.. I sincerely hope his solicitor puts him straight. The more you act, whilst maintaining an appropriate level of contact for the DC with him, whatever that form takes, what is there to fight against? Any time contact is used to abuse, then it necessarily has to change to reflect that if he cannot manage to just be pleasant and calm which mostly they can't!

((hugs)) and energies for the boundary making lovely xxx

Lovely ring Pony! and lovely new aura of confidence shining xxx

I might have slept all night last night I think? Vague memory of only one startle...

Oh fool - exhausting isn't a big enough word for how shattering, draining and difficult it is. Fingers crossed his solicitor puts him straight.

Fi - just wanted to say how lovely it is to see you posting with such inner positivity shining through. Hurrah for that injunction, and for all the support you've had from the police.

My 'I will always be true to myself' statement ring: www.piajewellery.com/yours-always-ring-prod11090/

Beautiful!

Fi, you certainly sound stronger for the support you've received; undisturbed sleep is brilliant when you've been deprived of it for too long, isn't it?

The exhaustion: I'm weary of the whole thing today. Didn't want to go to FP and think about it again; then didn't want to hear it was focussing on PA and have to think myself through the "minimising my own experience then talking myself out of it" cycle that I've been through a boring number of times already. Fortunately, I had a useful chat with my floating support worker, which cheered me up a bit.

I am so run down at the moment that I'm constantly ill and that doesn't help. Just need to have FW and his things out of my home and have dcs knowing the situation so all my friends amongst the parents at school can know, too! Two more months and things should hopefully be looking better.

thanks Pony and v. beautiful symbolic ring! xx

x-post Charlotte pulled me up short, yours and Pony's comment about sounding stronger and inner positivity! Not that I'm complaining .. just.. oh! really!? mmm...

Well a to strength and positivity for all xxxx

fool at least having a lawyer involves may make his expectations more realistic. And if he is paying that lawyer then that might discourage him from so much time wasting. Even if it does get worse (which as others say it probably will) perhaps it does signify the beginning of the end for you.

fi that's great having a whole nights sleep. It's a viscious circle (but a good one, whatever that's called) if you sleep better then you will feel stronger and then will go on to sleep better again. The world looks totally different after a good nights sleep. And I echo the others saying you really do sound more positive which is great. I think the injunction has definitely allowed you to relax a little.

charlotte I long to have it out in the open too. Partly because it then allows you to draw on so much more support, partly because it's harder to cave in and go back once lots of people know and also as it stops you having to do that acting thing when people say 'how was your weekend' and you have to reply 'lovely' whilst you're thinking - thank goodness it's Monday again. Getting Fw out of the house will definitely help to sort the exhaustion I think.

silvery did he represnet himself throughout? That is impressive FWery thinking that he knows better than a lawyer??? or just tight?

pony love the ring. I've never heard of labradorite but you can't get more faithful then a labrador so it sounds like a great stone to represent the new you going forward.