Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Bounty and Rose
Thank you his list is all about making more effort with him. - yep same. He said he was jealous of kids. That he is last in the pecking order. I put kids first. I do everything and anything for family and my friends and nothing for him.
No I wasn't aggressive at all.
The picture he was painting wasn't real life.

I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. The house is peaceful. I'm not upset. No walking on eggshells etc.

He has always wanted to go to the pub with his mates. Now he has the opportunity to do it he doesn't want to. Now he wants to spend time with me.!! I don't get it.

Booked another counselling session next week.

Scabby horse - sorry you are going through this. Anxiety and panic are awful. I suffer myself. Much love to you x

Minkembernard - thank you for responding, have been in the park as it's finally warm for a change! Yes, I have been trying to get through to him via email as I find it easier than talking - he can be very difficult face to face as he turns it into a 'poor me' rant. He responded to my last email which was meant to explain how I feel about his behaviour (and was longish but very clear, unemotional, and unbiased) with threats that he would get a solicitor and that I was unpredictable and selfish.

This is great advice, amazing...
'if he insists on coming round try just saying no. no justification no explanation. just no. if you don't want to talk to him you don't have to. I know it sounds easier than it is but it is better than getting sucked into a situation that outs you off balance, which is what he wants.. '

I am gradually getting stronger

Funnyfishface- thanks, yes it is awful having to deal with anxiety; when you just want to get on with life (which can be hard enough!) Do you have ways of coping with it- if you don't mind me asking? Sorry haven't read all this thread!

bounty - glad you are regrouping. That's funny that we sound so different to a year ago! Although not really surprising, the person I was this time last year is a stranger to me now. She was so confused, still so caught in all the FWittery, still trying to please everyone and never herself, still hooked on the fantasy that would never, ever be.

Scabbyhorse makes me hungry email is definitely easier than face-to-face. He can do spaghetti-head when F2F, it's harder on email. But my FW could still tweak at my heartstrings on email too, it can give them time to compose their oscar-winning speech, so just be aware of that too.

Rose that's brilliant news about the uni accommodation (and so exciting about your training!). I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I feel positively springy today - don't think it's a coincidence that I haven't seen FW for nearly a week due to my DM doing the drop-offs etc at the weekend for me.

Well. Tomorrow, DS1's dad arrives in Scotland with his girlfriend and a van full of their stuff. I went and picked up the keys for his new house for him yesterday. Tomorrow after they've unpacked, we're all going to go to dinner together. Happy families!!!! But, strangely, it seems to work. I am glad of that. It will be strange having him in the same town again, I can't deny, but I'm also weirdly looking forward to it. Can't imagine me ever being happy to go out for dinner with FW again, much less with him and his girlfriend! Not that he has one now! slaps self on wrist for slightly less-than-charitable thoughts arf

Y, y, and y to the you do so much for other people yet you do nothing for me.... All the help and support I gave him are and will remain invisible , count for nothing. Very depressing.

Hey all.

I'm just coming to say that I won't be back. I'm still being scrutinised and everything I say is being jumped on and twisted. This time it is not either STBX or SiL but somebody else who is closely linked to them and was involved last time.

I am weary of all this and I can't deal with being here but not being able to use it as I used to. This other person is also making all sorts of erroneous judgements about some of you, and whilst you don't know her and she doesn't know you it really doesn't sit well with me that simply by my presence I am exposing you to the condemnation and ignorance of a nosy onlooker.

I will miss you all deeply - I do so now when I post but infrequently, and I will do so all the more now that I can't post at all. It breaks my heart when I think how far I've come and I know that without you all I'd still be floundering. Although I don't know many of you by RL name, I want you all to know that I am so very grateful for the help and support I've received, without stinting. This thread is a very special place and I know that it will continue to be an enormous help to those who need it, both posters and lurkers.

So, one last time, I'll raise a to you all in the Vixens and leave you all to it. The very best of luck to you, my friends.

Charlotte, I love your name. It is inspiring.

It sounds like lots of us are moving on, slowly sometimes, perhaps, but we are seeing the traps and although we fall into them again, we are aware of what is happening!

Hope everyone has a good evening.

Hey, nosy onlooker, fuck the fuck off. It really is a sign of inadequacy to have nothing better to do than stalk someone round the internet and think that is okay.

tis, I am heart sore for you, and wish you nothing but peace. You have been a great source of support to lots of people, and while it is hard now, I know you will continue to do good things elsewhere. All good wishes . Stay strong.

ponygirlcurtis What is spaghetti head?! Am very interested to know!

SH, I second what mink says, he is using the legal system as a threat but it could also protect you as you do not need to deal with him directly, it goes through sol. He cannot bully your solicitor, and a good one will buy you time before you have to agree or decide anything. And every day you have, you get stronger.

Tis that is heartbreaking. Your source of support is being eroded, and they are even trying to erode other women who have been subjected to horrible abuse. Your abuse has been some of the worst I have come across, and every single one of them is implicated, and also, by their actions, similarly entitled. Hope you can cut them all out of your life. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

Scabby spaghetti-head is what FWs do to us with their talk. With their accusations turned back on us, with their twisting of what we say, with their gaslighting. It turns what had previously been a sure head into spaghetti where you can't find the ends, don't know which way is up, etc.

Sweetpea yes - you understand I don't want to deal with him directly...how tricky though as I must meet with him tomorrow and tell him he is out of order. ponygirlcurtis that makes sense definitely, wow this thread is really ringing loads of bells for me.
Thank you for your support.

tis I too am very sorry to see you go. I certainly don't give a monkeys arse about whatever conclusions a nosey bystander draws of me so please don't feel bad on my part. But I do feel bad on your part as we all need support and this thread is such a lovely, non judgmental and inclusive thread, as well as giving good down to earth advice. Your advice has certainly helped me.

Bye tis you have helped others on this thread so much, hope you get to live in peace away from abusive ex and dysfunctional family they have and abuse apologists. You are amazing you are so strong and rest of your life I hope will be so happy and free.

tis I'm so sorry it's come to this. Another poster who couldn't give a fig whatever this nosey Parker thinks of me. And if you are reading whoever you are - entertaining you with our misery and heartbreak are we? Go and find a life of your own instead of reading other people's. I am so pissed off that anyone feels entitled to do that.

I've had a long day, busy working but also holiday planning.

And my big news is that FW has left the city I live in. A friend of mine broke my request for him not to mention FW because he thought I might like to know I can relax now. I guess this means he's moved in with the new girlfriend where she lives. I feel a bit funny, a bit sad.

Although I am actually sadder about Tis leaving us.

I'm angry as well with FW. I'm putting my holiday on my credit card, I should be able to afford it comfortably and a whole new holiday wardrobe to boot. But no, the financial hangover of his cocklodging remains while he just regenerates as a whole new cocklodger. Humph. But at least I'm going somewhere anyway. I know it's not a problem but Urgh I can't even think about what he's taken from me.

Scabby, bounty and rose...thinking of you and everyone else

Scabby - I have suffered with panic and anxiety for nearly 3 years now. I have had private therapy who thought that it was my fw h causing my anxiety.
It came out of the blue. It is the most terrifying thing I have ever had to deal with.
If I get stressed it is worse. I am on medication now. The absolute lowest dose I can take. This has helped.
I have read up and researched this condition so I know exactly what is happening to my body and I can talk myself around. I concentrate on my breathing.
The last 2 weeks have been exceptionally difficult and I have had a few panic attacks but I have dealt with them. Within 20 minutes I have them under control and continue with my day.

I still cannot face getting on a plane. So holidays aren't happening. But 8 months ago I couldn't face going out of the front door. So I have made huge progress and continue to do so. My family and friends have been so encouraging. My h hasn't.

I hope that you find something that works well for you.
Huge hugs xx

colin a holiday sounds perfect. something to look forward to where you can really relax.

tis I am so sad to see you go, lovely lady. You have gained your freedom on here and you have contributed hugely to others doing the same. How dare this pathetic nosy parker interfere. Nosy parker, I am another who is making very accurate judgments about you and would like to suggest you fuck the fuck off instead of getting off on others' pain, heartbreak and - yes - greatness of spirit. Of which you have none.

SH and FFF I too am a panick attackee. Very severe at times, and looking back, very much linked to big life occasions connected with fw. I found breathing, valium when desperate and excercise to be great helpers. Externalising it helped me greatly - ie "talking" to the panic. Also when I had the courage, telling those around me at the time I was having a panic attack would dissipate it. Not always possible of course.

For you, tis: [dirty wotsits]. Keep safe and happy, honey. I will miss you so much.

Tis .... courageous and amazing lady, huge supporter [and lively entertainer] of the thread. Big yourself up hun, whilst the worms of society slime around with their equally low-lifers. Fuck you, sickos.

What is it with some that get a kick out of others genuine pain. Well, yes, we can see them for what they are. They do show their true colours.

lots of love and farewell waves, and tears for your going Tis.

Onwards and upwards for you, you have moved heaven and earth for your DC and you, may you all thrive in your love xxx

Raising my in toast to honorable lady Tis

tis lovely kind lady. So sorry to see you go. Would love you to stay but respect your decision if that is best for you at this time. However, just so that you know, I do not care if you posting here means that my posts get scrutinised, and I get judged, misjudged, criticised etc etc. so as far as I am concerned you absolutely should stay if you want to.

tis :'(
Bernard is sad too. I will.pm you my email address if you want and you can drop me a line if you like and Bernard will reply

tis am sad to see you go, wishing you all the best, and also raising a glass

Wonderful tis I will miss your words of encouragement. Hope to hear from you soon.
FFF I couldn't leave the house for fourth months with anxiety it took me almost 12 months to do basic things. AP's made it worse. CBT helped and very slowly most functions came back, I still have weak spots' years on and one of them was flying. Having previously traveled the world - in a strange twist of fate when FWcame back I was so deserate to get away and scared of him, I jumped on a plane <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"> first time wasn't great but now I enjoy it more than ever. When I first went back on one I really did care if the damn thing went down, it would stop the pain. Anyway it didn't go down <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png"> and the holiday did me and DS the world of good. Panic has got to be worst thing I have ever felt and still sometimes feel but thankfully not as bad. I know next week my body will go into freeze' when I have to give evidence, then I hate myself for not being able to communicate what I need to and more panic and anxiety ensues.

weirdly i have the opposite experience. i used to suffer from terrible anxiety. I have thrown up on the feet of the security guard at the airport before, and I'm not even scared of flying I know all teh ingredients of shampoo and conditioner from all the hours i have spent hiding in various toilets frantically looking for anything to distract me.

Gradually got over it using a variety of techniques but weirdly being with FW totally toughened me up. as it was a weakness he could exploit, I could not risk panicking. and then once I had the dcs I just stopped. so it may be a reaction to him or it may be a postpartum thing (I think that happens to some people).

I also set a great deal of store by feel the fear and do it anyway. I have never actually read the book just the title and decided to make that my mantra.

I second, was it breathe, who said that exercise and understanding the physiological mechanisms of panic really help. also mindfulness.

so, I suppose what I am saying is it is horrible and life consuming but it is possible to come out the other side and live relatively free of it.

chamomile tea also helps- particularly roman chamomile which you need to get from a herbalist (don't drink if pg)

FFF am sorry to hear it's been three years of anxiety for you. You sound as though you've found good ways of coping. I've started therapy (yesterday!) and already feel more in control of the panic as I know now I can talk about it with someone neutral. I might get a bottle of rescue remedy as that seems to help. The doc wants to put me on ADs but I think it's my ex that is the problem as it's when I have to see him that I go back to square one. Thanks for your support and hugs, so nice! And also to Colin.