Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

colin Thanks that make sense. I have to say that the reasons he has to be hurt are kind of true, although he defintely does keep dredging things up from years and years ago. But what you said about a normal persons reaction when someone hurts has resonated with me. A normal person would just say at the time (or shortly afterwards) "Do you realise that that has hurt me" so you can deal with it and move on. FW is dragging things up from 14 years ago. Surely these things should have been sorted by now

FFF I get the forced feeling too. I have to say in a way he can't win as if he said 'wow you look great' then i would just think that he's clearly just saying what he thinks I want to hear. BTW he's oh so generous that he's offered to buy me a make up lesson. How's that as a back handed compliment ?!?

They don't try, they alter their behaviour temporarily to manipulate your feelings IMO.

And again, here is FFF FW also clutching at straws.

Oh they make me so mad!

Bounty that's the FW way for them to have the memory of an elephant and you one of a goldfish! My ex FW was exactly the same. Example: he went off with OW because 6 months earlier I had gone out with my friends one night and because I bumped into a friend of his in town and went to Costa with him. Yet a year ago, he got off with someone in a pub while I was there and it could never be discussed!

bounty, I'm sorry, but the more I hear, the more I think your H should FOTTFSOFATFOSM, if that is not to presumptuous of me. So, he doesn't think you are fat (you apparently just deserved this insult because you have a good relationship with your parents), but now that you have called him on that, he has started on your make-up? He is going to buy you a make up lesson? I'm with Colin, mad on your behalf!

As for being equally to blame, that is a bit of a red herring. What matters is whether you want to be in the relationship and whether you can see it working from here on in.

Good wishes to everyone else, well done to Rose, I hope he stays away and you and your dd have some peace. Good luck to FFF with the counselling.
Charlotte, you are right, ignore this fanciful suggestion. He is basically suggesting running three houses (nightmare). I did lol at the cleaning and washing point though, that would be so true.

I know sweetpea I'm now even more confused as to whether I'm fat or not. well no, I know I'm not even remotely fat. I'm confused whether he thinks I'm fat or not. As this time last week I was fat (and the previous 2 years), but apparantly he was just 'verbally lashing out' and trying to hurt me back. But as I think about it I don't even care whether or not he thinks I'm fat. I have had the make-up thing before (he doesn't like me wearing make up but these days if I want to then I do ). It just seemed odd for someone who was (you'd think!!) trying given as they have realised they're skating on really thin ice.

Your last post is the crux of the matter. I want to be in the relationship i thought we could have but I am fairly sure that will never exist. It cannot work unless I can forgive him and that is seeming impossible whilst he is maintaining that I somehow have deserved his behaviour. Likewise it has zero chance of working if in 20, 30, 40 years he is still going to be dragging things up from the 1990's.

I realise how annoying I am being. I could be out now. I could be free. You can all see that this is never going to end happily but somehow I'm still here.

You're not being annoying. I'd still be here bemoaning being called a goofy slag or ugly or a crap cook or thick and paying FWs rent if I hadn't seen him with his OW.

Leaving is not easy, and I will be forever grateful that he was taken off my hands

Youll get there x

Thanks colin . I'm off to bed on that happy note and will dream of someone 'taking him off my hands'

minkembernard

Thank you for your post. I shall go back and read it whenever I doubt myself.

And thanks for the hugs too. This is bloody lonely!

No, sweetie, you are not being annoying. My keyboard is as I keep missing out letters, but you are not. No-one, least of all anyone on here who does noot know you in RL, can make the decision for you. We just know our own experiences. And heavens I go between thinking it was hell, it was abusive, to thinking it was me, I just can't cope with being with someone. And amazingly, some times now I go for a little bit without thinking about it at all.

But no-one sets out to have a broken marriage, and there is massive pressure to make things wokr. Aside from all the personal feelings and histry you have. So, Colin is right, leaving i not easy. No-one thinks you are annoying for working out your feelings.

I am off to bed anyway, one of my promises to myself is to get enough sleep. When I was still in the relationshp, I had really bad physical symptoms of stress which have gone now so I am tryng to take care of myself to make shre that they stay gone.

that was to bounty, took me so long to write on this stu[pid keyboard that she has beaten me to bed!

Nigh night sweetpea and bounty

bounty I just want him to love me unconditionally for what I am. once you leave him there is every chance that someone will. and it is absolutely what you deserve.

also he says you hurt his feelings. back to Lundy- it isn't about how he feels it is about how he thinks. and he has admitted that what he thinks is that he has a position to maintain in the household.

you go when you are fully satisfied that you are properly done with it. but as to whether he thinks you are fat. no. he does not. he thinks you might leave him and find someone much better but that you are less likely to do so if he can convince you you are fat and your make up is not right. notice he does it right before a social situation. to ensure you are a bit unnerved and so in his fucked up head less likely to be confident and attract attention.

he wants you there to meet his needs. so he wants you to think it is him or nothing and that you are partly to blame. this is what he wants you to think to throw you off balance. it is not what he thinks.

reminds me of the Lundy incident about the guy who accused his wife of making out in the lift. I found that really and telling.

charlotte I did at your post whilst also shaking my head in disbelief. he just cannot let go the control though.

bloomingrose I am so sorry.

This is a time for action. I am not an expert but I have read brilliant advice about this on MN before. You need this advice now, but it's not been given yet because of the time you posted (it's quieter on MN in the early hours), and because the 2 threads you posted aren't ones that will alert mumsnetters to the situation.

Start a new thread. Give the headline info. I think the advice will roll in. Come back to these threads for support, you will get it I promise.

I do know that the police were completely out of order. I am furious on your behalf. I think you should call them back, explain clearly that you are afraid, that he threatened you (with the "you are finished comment"). Again, there are experts in this on MN who will tell you what you should expect from the police and how to get it.

Call women's aid. They will offer excellent advice. I've seen this suggested many times on MN. Call them- 08002000247.

Sending you huge hugs.

Blooming rose, that's just awful. Sending you strength. Please look after yourself.

'You are finished' is from the FW handbook I think. They say things to intimidate and alot of the time, there's nothing specific. Mine said something similar but he's gone and I haven't heard from him for a month now so there we have it.

rose there are others with better advice but from what i have read you're best to keep trying with the police. explain that you feel threatened. if he has been PA in the past tell them. ask to speak to the DV unit specifically. do this before he comes back then if he comes back and there is the slightest sign of trouble phone them and they should be alerted that they need to attend quickly.

and start the ball rolling to get an exclusion order.
now may be the time to see a solicitor.
also second showing wA they will have the best advice.
mostly stay safe. jf you need get out of the house get out. if the worst comes to the worst leave him in it. it is only rental. get your name removed from the bills give the landlord notice you are quitting and at worst you will be paying rent for a few months you will have to find another place to rent but you will no longer have to pay for him nor put up with his threats and intimidation. it is drastic i know but having come this far it might be the best course of action.

sending you strength and support.
fingers crossed he realises it is finished and stays away.

also rose if you need to Pm someone for your personal safety and/or so you can communicate off MN then do. you can pm me or someone on the thread that you trust.

also if you can let people in RL know. so they know to look out for you. and so they can give you support.

Wel done for calling the police Rose... sorry for his further absuses of you.

Once the Police see how scared you are and the way he is behaving, they will realise the situation is not to be (mis)handled as per earlier!

I can't believe the police let that comment go, and should have locked him up then [when he said, You're finished]

He cannot threaten you. Go to a judge today and ask for a non-mol order due to the threats and lifetime with him of feeling scared because of exactly this kind of behaviour towards you.

Yes, now you realise why you have been frightened all this time, you didn't need more than a look, but you were scared, and thats not for nothing. The reason it has been as peaceful as it has all this time is only because you've been adapting all day every day and walking on eggshells, but of course thatstill doesn't make him happy.

The judge can also give you a residency order today, ex parte, but a bailiff will have to deliver them as you might find it difficult to track him down, unless youkeep them until he turns up next?

You have so done a good and courageous thing, even thoughyou feel this way right now...

This is one of the biggest boundaries you can assert and he will continue to hate every single one of your boundaries, but nevertheless you can assert them and should keep doing so, for you now, and your DD. xxxx

Bounty I see you are feeling 'refuge' status of your bolt hole, even if it doesn't yet feel like home yet .

He's had his desired effect hasn't he? He has you listening to his words again. He knows it doesn't matter what the words are as long as you listen to them? because that will baffle and confuse, as is his intention, and yes, of course, it will still be your fault, whatever it is... its because he has to do that to keep you under control (which is very close to what he said! but he inserted the words 'its your fault for upsetting him').

take care lovelies xxxx (((Hugs))) keep fighting, kitchen utensils at the ready

bounty, don't confuse admitting abusing you with being sorry about it and ready to do the hard work to change. You're right, he doesn't get it. He's still justifying his actions, and claiming the right to consider himself hurt if you don't put him first whenever he wants you to.

Rose, that sounds so scary. And now you have to deal with it having had no sleep! No need to apologise about slow thinking - who expects this?! Hope the police are more helpful this time.