Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just read your thread. Brilliant you have managed to throw him out.

Hi ladies, tough times today for people - sending lot of love and hand holding to all that need it.
very it's ok to not be all smiles every day for DS. I know what you mean but it does no harm for them to see that every now and again and they learn empathy for you. It is important that you feel' or you can't move forward. <strong>Rose</strong> the emotional abuse is so unfair and he of course thinks it is your fault' it almost becomes boring if it were not so serious. fool is right there are some wonderful people out there waiting for you. I guess you are seeking practical advice that I don't have but, I am sure other more experienced people will have that for you.

Feeling low too - DS is still playing up at his sports, coach had to have another word with me today but I could see it - it makes me want to cry and hold him, yet I have to keep the boundaries in place, it breaks my heart. FW is damaging his DS, he doesn't care, he doesn't know him and it will of course all be my fault anyway so he doesn't care again.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

call the police yourself. Tell them you have thrown him out and that he is not happy thus if he comes back they will be hot on your doorstep to assist in his departure

Thank you to whoever recommended the boundaries book. It's validating a few things for me but I am still struggling that even if I do what they suggest the court will take away my boundaries or put ones I don't want in my life. Any boundaries experts that could help me with this.

Great advice fool well done Rose

one step at a time.Better.

boundaries are more about what you can decide than what you can;t

AWESOME LADY ROSE

yy call the police and tell them you have evicted him from the house, he is now the council's responsibility to house.

I hope you and your dd can now have peace, and relax to the max. to counter the eviction stress.

very welll done! xxx

Thanks fool I think I feel I am not able to decide thing that I should be able to and that is stepping over my boundaries?

Quite.I am in similar position BUT if you know what you want and why that is a good place to start. It is hard to argue well and effectively if you are just reacting to the other side...make a plan and set out your reasoning be strong and believe in yourself. Try not to worry about stuff that hasn;t happened yet! (note to self)

better the best advice I've had about boundaries (and about everything really!) is to remember there are items within your circle of influence and others that are outside it. If we try to influence stuff that's outside our influence/control then it's just frustrating so we need to look at the part that is within our control. eg I can't control if nsdh is being angry and shouty but I can control if I stay in his environment; if I respond to it or if I take some kind of personal responsibility for it.

Thanks winnie I just feel that I know I am in no way responsible for what my exp does/says but that I don't seem to able to make the choice to keep safe and stop harrasement plus other things, as the court system allows it to continue for me and DS. I can't limit the impact on DS at the moment as much as I would like. I can to a degree so guess I need to stay positive and focus on that.
Thanks fool you are spot on as always - think you can tell it is `his' turn to put a statement in. My position is in and is the same one with the same detail as previous, I have had two versions from exp so far, which I guess is why I wonder what he will say next. You are right though - that is out of my boundary and I just have to ensure I respond well. And yes not focus too far forward. It's feel like waiting for the blow to make contact, wondering how much it will hurt this time, will I be able to recover, how quickly and what damage it will cause for how long and to who. Think I need an early night too much thinking and it isn't clear.

Rose if he doesn't suffer any consequences then he will just carry on, if not to you to others... he may just carry on anyway but you owe him nothing. You have done a good thing. You have to keep yourself and your DD safe and you are. I want you be full of beans again.

blooming I think it's your thread I just commented on elsewhere... You're doing him a kindness through your actions. He'll never stand on his own two feet while you allow him to keep sponging off you. I'm having trouble accepting that myself as I'm in the same boat... But deep down I know it's true. He's living off you because he can - he's a grown man and needs to be responsible for himself. Good idea to contact SIL, means you can sleep with a clear conscience IMO. Hope you have a quiet night.

And no, you don't come across a me me me. This is such a fast moving thread to keep up with, you come and go as you please and don't feel guilty.

Wow, Rose, good for you! Now you've contacted SIL, try to forget about him. Hope you get a good night's sleep.

DS's party is now done, so I have a bit more time again. It was lots of fun; the kids seemed to enjoy it and I certainly did. Really helped not having FW there; it was thanks to his comments that I lost my drive to do parties, despite the fact that the dcs enjoyed them and they're the ones who count. I felt all the adults were embarrassed by my feeble attempts; in reality, probably only one was...

Think I'm going to celebrate with an early night. FW is home tomorrow for the week, so I may need the reserves. He has come up with an interesting idea this week: he wishes it were possible for the dcs to have their own house, which we take turns to live in with them, retreating to our own respective bedsits at other times. (Heavy sarcasm warning!) What a brilliant idea! I can't think of a single problem with it. That's my FW: someone should make him Ruler of the World. Bet all separating couples will want to do this!

FW.

So what he's saying is: "Why should I leave the nice big house and not you, eh?" He's incapable of thinking what's best for the dcs. I'm not going to dignify it with a response and hope it doesn't get mentioned again. He also thinks it's unfair that I've had a friend to stay while he's away without asking him and he can't have a friend to stay without asking me because I'm always there (er, it IS my home!) and won't go away for a week even if he asks nicely (which is his latest attempted method of control - and when it doesn't work, he whines that his friends told him I'd respond differently and now what can he say to make me do what he wants me to?!)

Sorry, that got a bit ranty for a moment there! :o

Right, I'm off to bed. Thinking of Rose, bounty and fff particularly and sending strength vibes, but also thinking of all of you in a generally warm and fuzzy sort of way. :o

Ahhhhhh it would seem a lot of support and hand holding has been needed today. I hope should are all feeling ok now. Sundays can be so tough can't they.

Blooming - well done today. And you are allowed to be selfish on here. No body here is judging you. We are all here for support.

It's been 10 days since h left. (My decision). The first weekend was really tough. I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't even hold it together in front of youngest DS 18.
At the same time my dear friend has been very sick in hospital (40 miles away). So I have been back and forth to the hospital. I think it has all caught up with me this weekend because I'm exhausted.
H has been over a couple of times. We have counselling session tomorrow evening!!!

I don't actually know how I feel now. First few days I just wanted him to hold me, love me, etc
Now I don't know. I look at him and I think I don't know whether I actually want to go back. I feel sorry for him. I don't even feel sad today.

Whenever I have seen him my phone is constantly ringing or texts checking how I am from friends and family. He commented that he hasn't received a call ortext from anyone including his own family to see how he is. I said what does that tell you?

Feeling really strange about everything.

fff I bet you just continue to get better and more detached.

charlotte I'm pissing myself at FWs brainwave. His delusions never cease to amaze do they?

Well done rose! That's an amazing achievement, and testament to how powerful you are.

He is an adult. A few nights sleeping rough wont kill him, it's not winter. Keep the doors bolted!

Charlotte, how selfish. What a git. I can just imagine the breeding ground that would be for arguments about cleaning, shopping maintenance etc if it was us trying that bonkers scenario!

Very....you will get there! Wishing you the strength to look after yourself, first.

I just got another earful, which was a timely reminder that I don't want to be with this git.

We have now organised that he has the girls two days and one night a week and every fourth weekend. This fits in with our work, and gives us both one weekend free in four.

He says he hopes I will not continue to make more demands on him, because if I am finding it hard going with the children, then the only solution will be for him to farm them out to his family abroad 100% of the time.

I told him to stop threatening me. After a massive row, he finally calmed down, ranted on and on, and eventually agreed that I have the right to bring up my own children....

I have learned that there is no point in trying to show him that he can't threaten me. That is his main weapon against me. I need to disengage from his threats, and avoid contact which will likely result in threats.

I have all the girls identity documents btw, and do not think he will abduct them. They had a lovely time with him yesterday, and did cooking and watched the athletics on Telly together today.

Onwards and upwards!

Fff best of luck with counselling.... Hope you get a good 'un

Well I managed to spend a bit of time in my own place (with out my H knowing about it). A few hours on Fri night (said I was out with some friends) and also an hour this afternoon (walking the dog!) It still doesnt feel like home. But thanks bump for letting me know it took you a while to get there too.

I had an 'interesting' chat with my H this evening. He admitted that he has been abusing me. That he does not believe what he says about me (ie he doesnt really think I am fat) but does it to 'maintain his position in our house' and also to keep a barrier up between me and him. This is because I have hurt him in the past when he perceives I have put my parents before him. He is still hurting about this and he feels this somehow justifies his behaviour and makes us equally to blame for out situation. He acknowledges that this behaviour is wrong.

I'm really not sure how to process this. On one hand it is satisfying knowing that he does understand what he's doing to me. He claims that he never realised quite how much it upset me (which is possible as I've tried not to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's got to me). But hearing him say that I'm equally to blame is very tough. What if I am. He says he's hurt just as much as I have.

Oh why is this so so hard.

I also have to say that for someone who is meant to be trying he still laughed at my make-up when we went out somewhere today. called me tango girl. And then said I suppose you're going to throw this back in my face at some time?!? But then also said that I was the prettiest girl there. I don't think he gets it at all. I don't want or need to be the prettiest girl in a room (and neither do I think I am). I just want him to love me unconditionally for what I am. It's never going to happen is it.

charlotte I can see how the house share would appeal to the FW. He would basically get all the cleaning, washing, shopping etc done for him but without the hassle of having to deal with you. I can just imagine the state you would walk back into when your time started.

rose well done you. That is a really uplifting outcome

FFF you sound like you are getting stronger all the time. Hope some counselling helps you.

bump hello! Just read through. It sounds like you have the measure of him and can certainly 'manage' him well.

Bounty, you know the answer to that. He is clutching at straws and going for anything slight that he knows you will accept responsibility for because you are a decent person who admits to their mistakes even when they aren't mistakes - just another FW trying to make you be responsible of their abuse. Please don't let him. That's part of being a FW. When a normal person is hurt about something, they say, 'I was really hurt by this...' not say hurtful things that are untrue and irrelevant.

Hi bounty

I keep saying to myself 'why us this so hard' too.

It shouldn't be should it. When I see my girlfriends I don't find it hard. I enjoy their company. It's easy with them.

Surely a marriage should be the same.

My h says he feels left out. That its me and the kids against him. He says he feels jealous of my relationship with kids. How mad is that.

The fact that he laughed at your make up is cruel.

The just want him to love you unconditionally is exactly how I feel. Now he is trying(mmmmm) it feels forced somehow. It's not natural or relaxed. And trying in the wrong way iykwim