Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Man - reading that has been awfully triggering...

the Nigella story is awful, he actually tries to justify it, and the comment in the Guardian equally minimises it. Sickening.
Am beyond words with the Stuart Hall and other celebrity sexual abuse cases. We have got Julian Assange in the press as well, trying to escape justice at government level. Beyond words, really

tis, I know. I feel with all of it, society colludes. Like Hall's barrister is quoted as saying Hall had 'all of 13 victims' compared to Saville's 1300. WFT? One is too many.

WTF I mean. Makes me angry.

crazy world.

(((soothing hugs))) Tis me too... no need to read.

It is a crazy UNENLIGHTENED world, I keep trying to think we are not in the dark ages, where men think that other people 'make' them do it, or its the 'drink' thats responsible. I'm sick of hearing pathetic after pathetic excuse for their maltreatment of others. Have the balls you keep blaming 'others' for cutting off you, and take responsibility.

... and then they go running off to another unsuspecting lady full of tales of woe, and poor poor me, trying to elicit every ounce of empathy from them and huge loyalites and feelings of protection towards them, all so that they can blame yet another when that doesn't work out either.

I thought I was strong, but then thought I must be weak, as surely only weak women go this far down the path with an abuser, no it was my strength that kept me going, to survive it, despite it. A friend called it heroic, and it is, to keep struggling against the adversity.

I see now how many strong women fought against all the odds. Instead of having babies bringing out the indulgent and empathetic side (in a non-abusive guy), it fulfils their sense of power over your need to be part of a team, to be need to rely on someone so that you can be the best for your babies.

thanks for posting the link. Hi better thanks, was awful but empowering in the end, to say 'no' legally I mean. mad that anyone has to go to those lengths just to have your boundaries respected. Sad, mad and bad.

I seriously consider the minds of legal defence in these situations, in any now actually. In what mind does one have to reside to prepare a case for a perpetrator against the victim, and maybe then win? Its often the case that the one who pays the most for their Counsel is the winner? ( winner???).

I agree, if he's doing that in public, what indeed has been going on behind closed doors, this won't be the first and only time.

As for the 13 victims... just appalling.

group ((((hugs))))) luffs to all xxx

just read through your post Bounty and reinforce evyerthing everone else has said. He has no choice here really, as you will leave with her for her own protection. No you cannot leave her there with him and his twisted view of relationships and women.

He is in no position to care for her emotional and mental well being, and she needs protecting from that. I can't imagine the beliefs going on in someone who states 'I will never LET her get to that size'... control, control, control, written all over it.

I hope you are feeling ok ish today and that your parents are being the amazing people they sound, in their support of you, and all that you are doing right for yourself and your DD. Take heart and we are all with you on this, of course! big ((hugs))) xxx

I read the Nigella story and thought of you Leclerc . Nigella looks absolutely petrified in those pictures, her eyes are like those of a trapped animal. It made me so angry to think of FW doing that to you sweetie. Hope you are doing ok.

Also - people keep talking about the fact that 'no pressure was applied'. Apart from the fact that - how do they know if it hurt or not? But even so - so he's allowed to do that as long as he doesn't apply pressure? So that's ok is it? And I also thought - wow, he's so completely entitled and secure in his abuse that he's comfortable doing it in public. That is scary in itself. Poor woman.

Fi hugs to you too, hope you are doing ok after sorting the non-mol order. Gotta go out now, but be back on later. Muchos huggos to all. (())

Hello everyone. Thanks so much for the support last night.

This morning I feel nervous of the road ahead but also a little lighter. And angry. Really angry. How dare he think he has the right to speak to me like that. How dare he think he owns my body and can tell me what size or shape it should be. The anger is great -it is outweighing any lingering feelings of love that may be left there.

Great ideas re:leaving a letter suggesting different contact scenarios. He left last night saying 'let the courts decide' but again that may be just bravado.

I'm also shocked re:Nigella pictures and also 15months for abusing many girls (including a 9 year old!!!) It seems so very very wrong.

Anyway, still at work. Not meant to be MNing. Will catch up with you all later. Just wanted you to know that I'm ok :)

great to hear from you Bounty and in such good spirits afterall. Good spirits that anger driving you forward. he won't need to 'let the courts' decide, if you have already set up contact. There'll just be no need. The work is in deciding whats 'appropriate' contact, from your POV, knowing what you know. onward and upwards lovely xxx

remember... how very dare he, indeed!

Marking place too. I haven't posted much but I'm still about just trying to make sense of things by myself if that makes sense

hello I am wondering if anyone could help me out. I am not in a abusive relationship with my partner but am experiencing abuse at work from someone I support. I am not really sure where to look for help. It is difficult as I have only recently started the job. I have spoken to my managers about it and been told they don't see it as a problem and not to take it personally! what else can I do?
What do you think? This is some resent things.
shouting aggressively then getting a knife and violently stabbing a burger wrapper then throwing the knife across the room onto the kitchen side.
shouting at me not far from my face while I was blocked in a small space , because I would be writing a report of their behaviour.
Making a lot of loud noises and getting another person to do the same as I go into a office and lock the door, outside the office door eg blowing a whistle banging toilet seat, doors, walls.
Making loud noises generally intentionally to wind me up.
Making fast kicking/ boxing spa moves close to me trying to scare me.
Now taken to shouting at imagined people ...but with things aimed at me (hard to explain that one!)
After the knife incident I was quite disturbed and employees did put another person with me for 2 weeks. I usually lone work.
I am close to leaving everyday!!

I'm also shocked re:Nigella pictures and also 15months for abusing many girls (including a 9 year old!!!) It seems so very very wrong.

bounty - the sentence reflects the state of the law when the offences were committed. Now some of his crimes could merit as much as ten years.

Not much comfort, I know.

I feel for you. Stay strong.

Happy that sounds bloody awful,bullying should never be allowed in the workplace.can you go above your managers? They aren't managing very well are they .id think about involving the police if this person threatens you.

I've tried to stay away from the news lately,as it triggers my past.All I'll say is that I expected this shoddy,vile under sentencing.There needs to be a massive shake up in judicial system (man got 3.5 years for vandalising/graffiti today?!) just feel for the survivors now,its terribly demoralising to go through court system and feel completely let down (no voice yet again )

Thanks guys. I think I need to stop reading about it. It makes me feel physically sick And that apologist crap from the guardian...

It makes me so angry because of the effect it will have on other frightened women and idiotic apologists

Paftdunk ...thanks it isn't nice and I have to do something. He is too clever (I think) to threaten me he is very aware of what he is doing. I just hope he doesn't lose it as that could get very dangerous. Just talked to someone who has recommended the citizens advice so I am going to try them.
I didn't want to go above my managers as I have not been in the position long. My emotional well being could really take a beating though if I don't do something. Leaving wouldn't really solve it either as he would just be free to do this to someone else..... so I am going to get strong and stand up to this unacceptable behaviour ............stomps off to citizens advice!!

Am also not reading any more, though only read the Guardian and BBC. I always thought the Guardian was left leaning and therefore for equality, but actually I am more and more convinced it is not. The article there really was apologist, I was quite shocked. The thing is, if obviously abusive acts are minimsed and accepted, what hope have we got for the less obvious, more insidious, but equally damaging stuff?

Oh my goodness me - I would so believe you! I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I am not naive. Neither are courts. This man has not sought contact wi his son fo eight years. Now suddenly, He wAnts contact. - obviously nothing to do with new woman then!!!

If you keep strong and tell the truth, you are on a winner!

It was just one of those days!

Have made it to the Vixens via a bracing walk round the duck pond. Am going to sit down with a line of drinks and have a read through of the thread, as I see there are 70 more messages than when I checked last night!

happy if you're a member of an union then have a chat with them too. Sometimes they can be more supportive than empoyers and they're adept at reminding employers of their responsibilities regarding supporting and safeguarding staff.

The coverage of the Nigella story is awful. It just shows how far we still need to travel in relation to understanding DV and EA. They were discussing it on Jeremy Vine and it reminded me of some incidents with nsdh which I'd buried. They happened years ago but I was surprised how upset it made me feel.

Oh go on then, Ill have a little large I am with the Boom Town Rats tonight.....

Charlotte, enjoy your line of wine! !!!! I have such a mental image of that! Line them up, buttercup, as I used to say in another life, another time, another me.

happy - your employers aren't doing enough to protect you. You would have a case for constructive dismissal perhaps, being forced to resign because you are being bullied. Document everything that happens, including any communication/discussion you have on the subject with others and with managers. And CAB as well. Good luck!

Oh, and bounty - am loving your anger. Use it, harness it. Anger isn't a bad thing, it's a justifiable emotion. It's what you do with it that matters. Feel the anger, and use it to carry you out of there.

Well guess what? The sorry for 'verbally lashing out' apology text has come Thank you all for warning me. I did not think he would do that - he seemed to hate me so much last night. Thanks to your insight it made me give a wry smile rather than let my heart start to melt (as he clearly intended - and possibly would have happened a few months ago). Isn't is sad and pathetic how predicitable they are? My H thinks that he is a maverick, unique, a one off. I think he'd be quite sad to realise how much of a clone he is.

charlotte I'm sneaking a too!

happy that sounds awful to have to deal with at work. I really hope your managers take it more seriously. In the meantime could you try some of the tactics that we use with our partners. Imagine you're in a bubble so the words just bounce off you, imagine you are there as a 3rd person watching the conversations/interplay as a soap opera on telly, treat him like a tantrumming toddler so ignore the bad behaviour with a calm 'that is not acceptable I will not tolerate that' ...

fi/pony and everyone else. thanks for the wise words.

tis/sweetpea/winnie/paftdunk (((hugs))) for you for all the emotions the nigella revelations must be stirring up. I really hope she could find herself here. Here she can be an anonymous nickname and get totally unbiased and solid advice.