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Original poster

is this fair?

251 replies

wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:02

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 18:04

No, butt out you vulture.

scaevola · 12/06/2013 18:09

No. Stand extremely clear unless/until his marriage is definitely over.

If it's as bad as you say, this may not take long. If he's following the cheater's script, then they won't split up.

By either way, I suggest you don't sit around like a love-lorn teen by a non-ringing telephone, but keep meeting and perhaps dating genuinely available men.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 18:17

KatieScarlett - a very nasty unnecessary post I think! (unless something has happened recently etc to yourself) as you sound either very hurt or very spiteful.

I personally would be worrying about being the "rebound" person in all this to be honest OP. I feel this man has a long way to go before he could truly be with another person.

Tread carefully honey and keep him at arms length at the moment.

Vivacia · 12/06/2013 18:20

I would let him know that you'd be interested in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship, but clarify that it'd be about a year after he'd left his wife.

(I'd aim for a year, but be happy if we lasted two months).

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:22

scaevola, as I said I have known him well for a long time. I am not naive waif about men and have had plenty of the "cheaters scripts" from men in my time, all of who have been packed off. hes already taken legal advise himself and consulted with his mum who advised him to divorce as shes very upset about he way hes treated by his wife. shes no a "love lorn teenager"!
but tbh men in this dead marriage wait for a catalyst before leaving. I know he will do it is I ask and frank why should he stay with a woman whose so EA?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 18:28

I'd still get on with my own life if i were you OP and be a friend only for a while.

What about you? what about what you want?

Are you prepared to be emotionally drained and find he moves on to someone else at the end of this process?

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 18:34

No, neither. Just responding to your post.

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:35

Actually I am very clear in my mind about the strength of my feelings for him and want us to be together not least beacuse we are such good friends. Thats the best basis for a happy ltr. I have a great life - great job, bueatiful son, wondeful home etc etc but I also want a partner, not to be alone.
frankly his wife is EA but shes obviously very unhappy in her marriage and I think just has not been able to get the balls up to break it off. after all what are you thinking when you tell you DP you hate him, consult with divorce lawyers and book secret holidays to "consider your options"?

OP posts:
scaevola · 12/06/2013 18:37

"why should he stay with a woman whose so EA?"

That's up to him. And he should make that decision unclouded by another woman.

KittyPryde · 12/06/2013 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 18:42

Ummmmm OP why are you so sure that his wife is the EA one?

You also sound a bit too determined in all this in order to justify things.

I have a strong feeling this will all end in tears and they will be yours OP.

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:43

we have discussed his marriage at length already over the last 2 years. I suggested they go for counselling, but his wife refused telling him he was the problem and she had no problems...

OP posts:
scaevola · 12/06/2013 18:44

Well, as he's seeing another woman, his DW does have a point about him being the problem.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 18:44

You have heard her side too, from her?

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:49

well CP: I think she is EA because I know so much about whats gone on. of course I initially thought this might be exaggeration (as I say I have heard "the script" before!) but I dont think so now. for example, shes punched him and I have seen the bruises! and a vlentines acrd with "I hate you" written inside. I am not sayings hes not at fault or an angel but thats just nasty and deliberately spiteful ... (As to being self justifying, could be! and thought MN could help me get some perspective on that...)

OP posts:
Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:50

well as they say Katie, before you marry a man, have lunch with his ex wife!

OP posts:
Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:52

scaevola - doesnt an OW involve sex not coffee?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 18:52

Indeed.
I also say, only date single or divorced men. Not those still living with their wives, no matter how much you feel he'd be better off with you.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 18:54

Im just scared for you in all this OP.

To emotionally invest in a man that is not free to do so is very nebulous ground, please take it from someone that was in a rebound situation for 3 odd years (he was separated when we met)! So im not talking from my backside here.

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:55

not "dating" or "ow"! we aint done nothing that you could not do in a starbucks and still not be arrested. (Katie and scaerola - sorry to see about your relationship problems in your posts. but maybe you are projecting your own relationship breakdowns and not the best of offer objecive advise... might be better to post elsewhere thanks)

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 12/06/2013 18:56

I'm not surprised she is unhappy, what with him discussing their private life with you.

Does he know you plan for him to break up his marriage and be with you? Has there been any other intimacy apart from the chatting and coffee? Or is he using you as a sounding board?

My advice would be for you to stop seeing him for at least 6 months to a year and let him sort himself out. You could use the time to date other men and walk your dog with another friend.

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:56

ok noted your advice clippedphoenix!

OP posts:
Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 19:01

I dont think theres nothing wrong with discussing marital problems with friends (or mums or on chatrooms!). I certianly would discuss such matters with my close friends and think thats helpful and emotionally healthy. dont you? if she might be unhappy it might because her behaviour is pretty shameful.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 19:01

I've been very happily married for 20 years so I've no idea which posts you are talking about.

MrsChanningTatum · 12/06/2013 19:02

There is no secret, if he knows she has "secretly" booked a holiday to consider her options! I think you are being played like a piano.