is this fair?

[wallaby65]

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

does everything have to be crystal clear af? does everyone have to get to that position before they actually reach that? for me it's a process.

OP posting on MN and hearing some truthful commentary on her behaviour is part of the "process" as you so romantically put it, CP

what do you think im saying agatha? Im not a summarising person.

Well, the thing is, that from the beginning the OP was going to get a bashing for daring to say she was involved in any way - from friendship onwards - with a married man. And from the first accusations of 'vulture', 'get your claws out', 'get over yourself' and so on.

Personally I think he sounds a bit dodgy, but I don't think you are a Wicked Hoor either.

That much is clear cp

CP . OP has understood posters meaning without complaining, how come you are miss reading things? i haven't picked up the same as you and have 53 yrs and professional experience!! but don't know why is that relevant?

I agree with CP, there is a way of giving constructive advice and then there's just being plain nasty. At no point has CP said that what OP is doing is ok, only that there is a way to give advice without being nasty.

As for asking what she means, I think she's made it pretty clear, why would you need a summary!

Sorry OP back to you

Too true it is a shitty thing to do. We all know that no relationship has a steel ring around it, but to knowingly meddle is just nasty behaviour.

There is no nastiness on this thread. OP has got off relatively lightly. I think some people are reading a different Op to me.

OP I've been in a very similar situation to you, and been on the receiving end of all the patter that you describe about bad marriages, EA and 'falling in love' with 'close friendships'.

The marriage did end. And then he realised that he wanted a completely fresh start, so started seeing someone else and that was the end of our friendship too.

Give him a wide berth. If it's meant to be it can wait until he's completely free.

I stand by my vulture comment.
Circling round the wasteland of a disintegrating relationship looking to pick up the man. Vulture.

Um there is nastiness. Butt out vulture? Get your claws out? Etc etc.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster from what OP says but I don't get the level of anger in posts directed at her. From her pov, this is a friend having a shit time.

Why so unpleasant Katie? I don't get it.

Exactly Morris but hey maybe we're reading a different OP eh!

I find OPs self justifying EA with this man unpleasant Morris.

If this man is conducting an emotional affair, then he is accountable to his wife. The OP isn't.

As for all this 'don't go near him until 6months/ a year etc after his divorce', this is just totally unrealistic. In the real world, people meet other people, they move on. Only on MN must separated men be quarantined as proof that they are over their ex.

I couldn't disagree more.

Actually I think Katie has a point about the vulture comment.

The OP is hopping around their marriage waiting for it to die so she can swoop in and take her fill! She is even talking about nudging that death along a little bit by telling him that if he leaves, there is a nice new relationship ready and waiting for him.

She is justifying an emotional affair and pushing for the end of a marriage (and a family) so that she can have what she wants. I daresay that if the wife was posting on MN her view would be very different.

They are not having sex, but that doesnt mean that he is putting his focus outside the marriage. No wonder his wife is fed up. Perhaps her "considering her options" and threatening divorce is her attempt to make him realise what he stands to lose.

Frankly, vulture is the least of it.

I think the assertions from OP that she has a "nice life" and a "nice home" (just ready and waiting for Mr Vulnerable to fall into) are very telling

doesnt mean that he isnt putting his focus outside the marriage.

Of course there are two sides to this, but most of us believe/ trust our friends. If my friend told me her DH was horrible to her I wouldn't question it, or ask to hear his side.

Of course, I don't fancy my friend. So its not the same. But I'm baffled as to why MN always translates 'wife' into 'blameless saint'. Why is it so hard to believe that somebody treats somebody else like shit in a relationship? It happens all the time.

You are right, it's not the same Morris. You are not secretly praying for your friend to split from their OH so you can declare your love. Or contemplating hastening that process with all that entails. From a friend, that would be shabby in the extreme.

I am not suggesting she is a blameless saint, I am merely saying that people who have affairs are rarely truthful to their spouse, the OM/W (which yes, the OP is) or to themselves. I would take anything he says with a very large pinch of salt.

You describe the OP as a friend to him. A friend would listen, support and be there while he worked through his marriage issues, whatever the outcome. She is thinking about declaring undying love and telling him that her beautiful home and life could also be his if only he leaves his wife.

Thats not a friend, thats a predator.

I'm not saying the wife is a blameless saint, just that a couple should make or break without a 'friend' on the sidelines cheerleading one side on to leave.