is this fair?

[wallaby65]

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

Look, we don't all agree about the background here but we do all agree that this situation sounds v tricky and that OP should back off or at least tread with utmost caution. So in practical terms, we're all on the same page.

I hestitate to mention my dear old Maw again, I see she was discussed with vigour up there a bit. Ok, well I asked for it and I see that. But I should mention that my mums temptress days are a long way behind her, she's worn elasticated slacks for years know and hasn't stolen a husband in a very long time.

I never said that she was blissful with my stepdad. They are just normal retired old farts bickering about everything, same as everybody else's parents.

I suppose what I want to say is that while I know many of the affair cliches are true (have seen with my own eyes in friends lives etc), often they aren't true. My mum can talk to my SD in a way she never could to my dad. She is massively more suited to my SD than my dad. Not all relationships are the same. Look at your own relationship, has the bond gone because of housework and domestic drudgery? Most of us can get past that.

It's not black and white. I spent my childhood wondering why women laughed so much. Now I know its because my awesomely handsome dad was flirting with them. He has been happily (but boringly, normally) married GP my lovely stepmum since Wham were in the charts. He can talk to her in a way he never could to my mum.

I know most people don't go on to be best friends with their ex and their new partner. But it can happen. I'm glad it did in my family. I have four relatively happy parents instead of two pissed off ones.

Violent assault is completely unacceptable who ever is doing it.

But, I would advice a man in your position, to wait until the woman had extricated HERSELF from her marriage and decided for herself it was unacceptable.

No good will come, can come, ( for YOU) from being the OW emotionally or physically.

Take a step back OP. This person is still heavily invested in this relationship whether he is spouting crap to string you along or is genuinely unhappy.

He needs to make the decision to move on and end things himself. After that he will need a period of readjustment especially if his wife has been abusive to rebuild and redefine his boundaries. He needs time to explore who he wants to be now and to build his self esteem back up.

Heartbreaking though it may be for you to watch you can't rescue him from this process he needs to do it himself to be able to work what type of person he wants to be now.
Jump in now and you may have a few years of caring for him while he emotionally rebuilds himself only to find once he has neither of you are the type of person the other wishes to be with.

If he needs additional help point him in the direction of counselling services and support groups.

I'm not saying its not possible for you to have a relationship with him in the future, just that the person you see now has a lot of changes ahead of them and what they want now may not be what they want in future. Better to go into things knowing he has dealt with it and rebuilt his life and become comfortable in his own skin again than learn you are just a band aid.

That was beautifully put, IAmNotAMindReader :)

OP's question was: "we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me ... I can tell how much he loves me too ... should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce so we can be together?"

I see such a minefield in this! She's asking whether to tell this man to leave his wife for her - and they haven't even discussed their feelings for one another.

How do you know he's in love with you, wallaby?
Another question: How do you know you would love him if he weren't in a troubled situation? What's he like when he's happy and carefree? How many interests do you share, apart from the dog and his problems?

Bogeyface you know what they say... 'the man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy'

so I told him; hes filed for divorce and move in with me
but bit of a kicker in the tail for the "martyr wife" on the grounds of petition though. frankly a surprise to us both but certainty explains the nature of the secret holiday!
anyone want to guess? (Not AnyFucker or Boegyface who doubtless wont have opened this thread as they aren't interested...)

Wrong!

Dont tell me, she was having an affair? YAWWWWWN

So, in the space of a week you have declared undying love, he has moved in and filed for divorce on the grounds of his wifes adultery that he just happened to find out about? Yeah ok

But I hope you remember that the Relationships board will be here for you when he suddenly stops talking to you as much, and starts walking the dog "on his own".

Well bogey you aint be right about much but this time you are! Glad to know you care though and love you too!

Who can blame her considering her H was madly in love with you and would leave her at the drop of a hat for the last couple of years.

Shame he didn't have the balls to do it until he had somewhere nice and cushy to stay rather than standing on his own two feet.

A surprise to both of you. 'Us' as within a week you are a couple.

Hypocrite much.

Well, if that's what makes you happy.

Keep sucking on those lemons bf and xales. They really are your style!

Wow, you really are a piece of work aren;t you? Gleefully cackling over winning your "prize" and yet still totally failing to see the point that many many people on here have tried to get across.

Enjoy your happiness while it lasts, like I said, we will still be here when you need us, and you will.

I understood the points you etc made. But I did not agree with them. They seemed little more than pompous joyless man hating and patronising cynicism dressed up as small minded "moral stances" from sour lonely womens whose only source of self regard is spending nights on internet chat rooms (and bullying those who dare give contrary options). But is did help me identify my values and moral code. That's about kindness, happiness, joy, fun, forgiveness, compassion and, the greatest value of all, love. I honestly hope one day you find them too.

That's a whole load of adjectives in that one paragraph.

A whole load of assumptions too.

Hands off until he's started divorce proceedings at the very least.

And stop the 'my wife is such a bitch' talks too. That is not your business and it's really disgraceful that he should tell you such things considering the relationship you two have developed. Yes, it is an affair - it isn't all about hot sex and hotel rooms.

Please also be aware that he might be exagerating about his wife - stranger things have happened

ohhhh too late. Ah well then, enjoy

Interesting to see that the bitter projectors (who morphed into smug marrieds) are now lumped together with a general character assassination of those who think affairs are wrong. Which isn't an extreme position. Nor is it bullying to state it.

And actually it is a very pragmatic stance - the mess and pain of a split up after an affair are far worse than a decent ending then moving on. And wandering spouses (whether wandering into emotional or physical affair) do tell lies to both themselves and their extra-marital artery. It's part f the self-entitled justification process and is so common that it does sounded trite to point it out, as does pointing out the rest of the common, week-worn path. One of the biggest delusions that go with the affair bubble is a conviction that it is somehow special or unique. When it really isn't.

Scarvola - your views on the doomed nature of my future are not so engaging but I will pass them on new dps' stbexw and her lover (And his wife). Maybe unlike silly me,they will see their folly... Meanwhile enjoy your friday night alone on the internet chatrooms. (Personally off to a film premier in soho directed by an old friend who looking forward to meeting my new dp) so joy and love to you xxx

Did to mean to be so rude? For you seem to have utterly groundless views on poster'ds lives. And whenever to show yourselfthat to make conclusions on no evidence, it does raise question marks.

Interested to read what any of the other people in this situation make of this thread. If of course you really do share this with any/all of them.

Contempt for internet chatrooms is normally expressed OFF them, isn't it?

Ooh well jel of your deluded lifestyle
Not.

:o So now I am a sad, lonely, bitter, bully with nothing in my life except an internet chatroom? The same chatroom that you chose to ask advice on? Funny how it is only shite when you didnt get the validation you asked for!

Well sorry to disappoint you but I am none of those things. And slagging me and other people off who have made it quite clear how appalling your behaviour has been wont stop it being appalling. You seem to think that because his wife was cheating (which I have my doubts about, seems a bit too convenient) it makes anything you did ok. It doesnt! If someone murders a shopkeeper, and you just nick a box of chocolates from his shop does that make the theft less of a crime just because someone else committed a bigger one? Of course not! Yet you seem to think that it does.

It doesnt matter if she was shagging the England Rugby Squad on a daily basis, what you did was wrong. You say you have found your values and moral code, where?! In an alley cat? Because frankly if you think that actively setting out to end a marriage because you want the husband for yourself comes under kindness, happiness, joy, fun, forgiveness, compassion and, the greatest value of all, love you truly are deluded. It comes under Selfishness, cruelty, lack of compassion, lack of empathy, avarice I wonder if your new beau is aware of what a prize he has in you? If what you say about his wife is true then the phrase "from the frying pan into the fire" has never been more apt.

wallaby65 so he's moved in with you when he's never had sex with you? How sweet.

Very true forty it is incredibly sweet if it were true, which it isnt!