is this fair?

[wallaby65]

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

Exactly what Strawberry said. If you want to be a friend, be a friend of their marriage. Try to do what's best for them as a couple and as a family. If you can't do that, then back off.

One doesn't have to have been hurt to know that it is not morally good to stir things up in another person's relantionship.

I can say Im a good understand person, Ive worked at it in my 50 odd years.

I can also say that after such a time here I have come across all manner of people and situations.

I can also recognise people that are rather mean and word it so.

I've never scrubbed a man's underwear in my life. It's a bit crap to imagine that a woman's role is pants scrubber.

I imagine that most of the happily coupled up posters on this thread manage to deal with their domestic lives and have a loving relationship with their DPs.

If domestic life didn't drive you and your partner asunder, why would it split up OP and her potential DP?

if shes that bad, how come hes just telling you, rather than leaving her. Do you have a rescuer complex?

Attack is the worst form of defence is it not?

Ive been on here for rather a long time now and I see such awful comments from, yes the few under name after sudo name and i know who they are.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest as whilst they attack me they leave others alone.

But OW are selfish (as are the cheating partner) they are silly, foolish or delusional if they believe everything they are told by said cheating person. And as said in the fantastic book Not Just Friends are living in a blissful bubble that does not involve the mundane things of everyday life such as grubby undies.

I can also recognise people that are rather mean and word it so. Perhaps you have justification in saying that, perhaps you don't. Would you like to highlight the 'mean' posts here. Because all I'm seeing is people saying that the OP should remove herself from this situation. Whereas you seem to be cheering her on. Now, I don't have the benefit of 50 years on this planet like you, but I do feel, in my 45 years experience, that the correct advice should be to remove herself from this scenario. Which is what almost every poster has said.

Agree totally with Morris re the pants.

OTOH, OP, I am a cynical old boot - partly because my own emotional history would not stand up to pitiless scrutiny - and I slightly think he sounds as if he may be exploiting you. You don't want to be someone else's comfort blanket or rebound option or unpaid therapist. Be his friend by all means, but don't let him take more from you.

Just remember no one belongs to another married or otherwise.

A married person has no "claim" over someone else, it was a declaration not an ownership.

Nor does a casual bystander/'friend' have a claim over someone else.

People go where they do, relationships end whether theres a ring and declarations or not and human nature depicts this. However, understanding grows.

OP I wouldn't go there if I were you.

You're quite forthright on this post. HE, on the other hand, sounds rather timid. I feel you're trying to rescue him, and once you've done that I predict a very short time before you lose all respect for him and start to see his gentleness as spinelessness and regret being his safety net.

I think using the word "fool" in this scenario is rather tame, tbh

CP, I think you should come out and name the issue you have with "certain mean posters" and stop being passive aggressive

I would rather call someone out openly, than do it in the way you are doing

Just to be clear about the pants (because I'm bemused) are you now saying that the OP should do it as some sort of trial?

It is for him to decide if he wants to end his marriage. And he is not OP's potential partner. He remain married.

I would back off too.

I find it revolting that he is confiding in you op.

Why isn't he confiding in a close friend who he is not sexually attracted to?
Method in his madness.

How do you know that she is travelling alone because he won't go with her?

An emotional affair is as bad as a full on sexual one.

I feel sorry for his wife.

Can't be me, I've never name changed, don't need to what with being smug married and all.....

People go where they do, relationships end whether theres a ring and declarations or not and human nature depicts this. However, understanding grows.

Whose bloody understanding? The wifes? I don't think so, not in this scenario?

Yes, CP, it was quite clear you were including me. I would give your comments more resonance if you could have been clear about that in the first place.

A martyr wife? I do all THIS and he dares to want to leave me?

Equality?

Why do women put up with all this?

Men are cheating bastards? really? us women never do it of course we dont.

Agatha has hit the nail on the head. Speaking from my own experience the most hurtful thing is the lies and deceit that is inevitably enshrined in these EA's. And make no mistake about it OP you are the OW by way of an EA. The fact that he is confiding (apparently) more to you than his wife makes it an EA.

What are you actually saying cp?