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Original poster

is this fair?

251 replies

wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:02

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

OP posts:
Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 20:01

Ok I take point re emotiinal affair.
But let's ask this - if your dp said I am very unhappy in our marriage and we need to go to counselling else its over, even if you think all is happy and well, would you just say no and move on? I know I would not if I wanted to save the marriage because I would be genuinely upset and concerned that my partner was so unhappy. And if I was so angry I was violent towards my dp I would think I had a big problem regardless of the circumstances. That's what his wife did a year ago.
So what is she expecting now?
Also I think he's gueniunely concerned about his kids. Does that make him weak or just a decent man trapped in a failed and unhappy marriage? Have been there and is a pit to escape from and a terrible way to be.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 12/06/2013 20:05

OP, you sound like my work colleague who conveniently opened her arms (and legs) to care for another work colleague's DP. Ugh.

scaevola · 12/06/2013 20:05

Who knows what she's expecting now. But that is for her and her DH to sort out together. It is up to him whether he stays or leaves.

Better to let him make that choice for himself.

But I don't think you should just hang around whilst he makes his mind up. Keep your life moving ahead. Including the possibility of meeting interestin, unattached men.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 20:05

A terrible way to live it certainly is. But you, OP, are not the solution.

You mention your nice life and your nice house. Would he move straight from the marital home to your cosy little love nest ?

Unhappy and trapped he may be, a manipulative liar he may be. But you are offering a shiny new life on a plate...and it simply doesn't work like that.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:06

Just protect that heart of yours some way OP.

A person that is going through what he is (and im taking that as said) is in no position to give anything to another relationship right now. He probably thinks he is but i dont think thats possible.

Please OP, back off a bit for yourself?

Original poster
wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 20:12

Thanks for your advise CP et al. Food for thought! Got to go offline now but will post again.

OP posts:
RaspberrySchnapps · 12/06/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:20

In my eyes the OP's post is not one of a "black widow". i do however see many posts from very hurt or vindictive women or maybe its the two rolled into one?

The OP has no claws, I do however want to ask why others have them?

Inertia · 12/06/2013 20:22

He is part of the problem. He is emotionally invested in another woman outside the marriage- you. If you genuinely believe that there's a problem in the marriage then you need to stand well back and let the two people involved resolve that between themselves.

Bear in mind that you only have his side of the story. His wife may not recognise a word of what he's told you about her.

And if you did get together after all this, you'd also need to remember that he would probably find another work colleague to discuss the intimate details of your relationship with in Starbucks.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 20:22

I haven't been hurt (recently) and I am not vindictive. Op asked for commentary on what she is doing. Have we to lie, say it's ok ?

It's not ok.

voddiekeepsmesane · 12/06/2013 20:23

My DP discussed our relationship with his EA OW for over 2 years. NOTHING he said to her was the truth, it was used to justify what he was doing and to make her feel sorry for him. Do not believe him. Leave him alone until he actually leaves her. You are being naive and silly, he is being manipulative and deceitful IMO

AgathaF · 12/06/2013 20:25

You only know what he tells you, which could be a pile of steaming crap.

If he is genuinely unhappy and so is she, then I am sure that they will split in due course.

Back off and wait until then, preferably getting on with your own life in the meantime. Stop making matter worse, for her if not for him.

If you were a true friend to him, you would not be acting as you are.

AgathaF · 12/06/2013 20:27

The OP has no claws - you know this for a fact, do you?

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:28

No one says anyone should lie.

But!

No one has to be nasty and no one has to call anyone a fool. There maybe foolish behaviour where matters of the heart are concerned and I deny anyone to say the latter, its all part of life.

To outrightly call someone a "fool" isn't a good thing to do.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 20:30

But it's a good thing to extrapolate that posters on here are vindictive, etc?
Pot Kettle Black

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:33

Ummm no I don't know it in a factual sense Agatha as I havent seen her hands....

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:35

Pot kettle? ummm. I may be many things but i hope i have never been a cruel poster katie? I also don't do one sided stuff....

Casmama · 12/06/2013 20:41

Clipped you appear to be trying to invalidate opinions and attitudes that differ from your own by projecting that they come from people who ave been hurt. That is untrue in many cases but even if it were true it wouldn't make the opinions any less valid than yours

RaspberrySchnapps · 12/06/2013 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sipofwine · 12/06/2013 20:42

I am sorry, Wallaby, but to me everything you have written so far smacks of you being manipulative and calculating. I am not being malicious but how do you know that your relationship with him hasn't added to their problems? He may well be being treated like shit by his wife, he may be treating her like shit. You don't actually know because you don't live in their house and are not part of their relationship (no matter how much you would like to be). I hope you do back off and leave them to sort their own lives out but it sounds to me like you are pretty determined to get in there and sway the outcome. This would be most unwise in my opinion.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:43

I hope you didn't mind things becoming "directed" at certain posters OP. It wasn't meant to detract from your dilema.

Take care of that heart.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 20:45

Well Clipped, so far your words to describe what I have posted consist of;
Spiteful
Smug marrieds
Spitting venom
Hardnosed
Vindictive
Nasty

Does that sound like nice to you?

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:45

Why did you scrub his undies in the first place then raspberry? why couldnt he scrub his own?

voddiekeepsmesane · 12/06/2013 20:46

Just because I have been hurt does not make me vindictive. What I say is from experience and the truth as I see it, what is your opinion based on clipped ?

StrawberryMojito · 12/06/2013 20:46

Ok, let's go with what you say that he's a good man in an abusive marriage and he is agonising over to whether to leave his children/wife/home...although he may have genuine feelings for you, don't you think he's got enough on his plate without having to contemplate whether to start a new relationship in the midst of a breakdown of another.

You say you have a great friendship. Just carry on being his friend, if he wants to progress things with you and is ready to do so, he will let you know. Im sure he probably knows already that the long time single woman that he has become close to would be more than happy to become romantically involved with him so the ball is in his court.Don't get involved with him regardless until he has left the family home and they have definitely split.