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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this fair?

251 replies

wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:02

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

OP posts:

retrome · 12/06/2013 19:04

You should not have to do anything other than stand well back and keep out of it till he has taken control of his own life.
Do you really want a man who has so little pride or self-respect that he allows his wife to punch him, tell him she hates him, and generally treats him like dirt? Yet, like a timid, scared wimp he is unburdening all this EA he is receiving onto you in secret conversations and wanting your sympathy and soothing words. It just sounds so pathetic for a man to be like this.
Could you seriously have respect for a such a man? How can this be an admirable man?
It seems his wife is in total charge and everything depends on what she decides when she 'considers her options'.
If he really wants to be with you he will take the initiative and tell his wife he's had enough and he's divorcing her. Then, once the process is in motion and irreversible he will come to you.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 19:08

He's still with his wife. Despite all the boo hoo he's telling you. Does that not perhaps suggest he wants to be there? Despite his wife allegedly booking secret holidays and abusing him? If he was so keen to get out, he'd have gone by now.
You only have one half of a story.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 19:08

Not sure what pride etc has to do with anything if he truly is in an EA relationship as it's just as hard for a man to untangle himself as it is for a woman i would have thought? It does not make him "pathetic" at all.

It just makes the OP the piggy in the middle.

scaevola · 12/06/2013 19:13

"scaevola - doesnt an OW involve sex not coffee?"

No. Emotional affairs are every bit as damaging as physical ones in terms of lying to the spouse, keeping secrets, spending time and bestowing confidences outside the marriage. The emotional component of an affair is often more hurtful than the physical detail.

hollyisalovelyname · 12/06/2013 19:14

He could be telling you a pack of lies. It has been done you know. The wife might be blissfully unaware of any of this. He may have given himself bruises for sympathy from you. He may have written the card....I know I may have been reading too much Daily Mail!!!
He may be telling the whole truth. I thought you knew his wife the way you wrote about her in your opening message. But it appears you only know of her through his description of her. Just be careful because you sound like a nice person.

CinnabarRed · 12/06/2013 19:14

At the very least, you're having an emotional affair with this man.

scaevola · 12/06/2013 19:14

Oh - what "relationship breakdown" of mine are you referring to? I wasn't aware I had had one.

Xales · 12/06/2013 19:15

Who told you all this about their marriage?

The secret holiday is so secret who told you about it?

I would be wanting a divorce if my H was off with another women sharing all of my 'faults and what a bitch' I was to him and knowing he would leave me at a click of the fingers because he loved her Wouldn't you?

lemonstartree · 12/06/2013 19:16

What is 'not fair' is this man dangling you on a string, confiding in you, having an emotional affair with you, whilst remaining with his wife and family. That is "not fair' to you, to her or to his DC. he sounds like a weak unpleasant cheating liar.

I'd love to hear what she has to say...

Casmama · 12/06/2013 19:18

Even if this does work out as you plan, what if he uses you as his counsellor and emotional crutch for 6 months then realises you are just a rebound?
By all means tell him how you feel but only if you are prepared to take a break from your relationship to allow him to end his marriage with dignity and perhaps get together with you because he really wants to rather that as a convenient watm bed,

Casmama · 12/06/2013 19:19

Warm bed.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 19:23

Scaevola, must be the same mythical marital breakdown as mine

Walkacrossthesand · 12/06/2013 19:24

Indeed - he needs to decide to end his marriage independently of whether there's a soft landing (you) waiting for him. Better for everyone concerned if he steps away, clears his thoughts, gets the split sorted out - then, when he's truly free, see if you're still around.

LilyAmaryllis · 12/06/2013 19:26

If his wife was posting on mumsnet she would be saying, "my DH is having an emotional affair". "He's discussing my marriage with this woman."

DON'T make your feelings known to him. DON'T get drawn in on the will-they-won't-they-divorce question. Stay out of it. Please don't consider him relationship material, he is not available.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 19:27

Blimey women can be so damn horrible to others! Smug marrieds are the worse huh

Spitting venom at other women whilst very happy in your own? Really?

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 19:30

This bloke is having an extramarital emotional affair with you

I would expect her to be a bit pissed off

And now you want to offer him a soft landing if he gives her the elbow ? You sound like a fool.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 19:38

The OP sounds a bit lost and is being foolish maybe but no not a total fool just lonely and misguided in that.

Chandon · 12/06/2013 19:41

Hmmm, I too wonder what DW's side of the story is.

Seriously, you only have half the story, and it sounds like textbook " my wife does not understand me" ....

You have to wonder about the integrity and motivations of a man who, no matter how nasty the horrible wife is, s stringing along 2 women...

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 19:44

Spitting venom?
Hahahahaha

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 19:47

well it sounds like that from where im sitting, lots more laughter..... there is getting a point across and there is being hardnosed and not remembering that there is a real person at the end of every post.

ofmiceandmen · 12/06/2013 19:50

Ok having been there.. man's shoes.. it is possible for the wife to be an EA (punches etc got the T shirt) and perhaps he is totally legitimate.
But OP never once did I look at another woman during that time.
Never once could anyone say "I can tell how he feels about me".

Do you really want a man who goes outside a marriage (no matter how bad) and fudges the lines? What happens when you two have an all mighty fight, who becomes the Starbucks "friend"?

You're a crutch. - wonderful, beautiful and understanding.. but you're a crutch all the same. Yes it may end well, but we tend to put crutches down once we start walking on our own.

Let him heal, then come to him on equal terms.

NB: we all F up on our first relationship after an emotionally draining marriage (God knows I did) . Only time reduces the level of the screw up.

AF- says it all rather beautifully. gotta love it

ofmiceandmen · 12/06/2013 19:54

And I say the above as a spineless man who stayed until the bitter end... so no laughter intended.

Squitten · 12/06/2013 19:57

The ins-and-outs of how far along they are in their split, or who's the "bad guy" are irrelevant OP.

Why the rush to snap him up now? Are you worried that once he's single, he won't be interested in you? Are you worried that if you don't give him a way out he won't leave his wife? Because if neither of those things are true, why don't you simply wait for him to come out of his marriage?

Your haste suggests that you are depserate to stake your claim before he has any other options, which sounds like insecurity on your part. If that's untrue, then leave the poor man alone. If what he's telling you is true, surely he has enough to be dealing with right now without you attaching more weight to his shoulders.

ClippedPhoenix · 12/06/2013 20:00

Now the op is the leach? blimey!

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/06/2013 20:00

OP, how do you know how he feels about you?

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