is this fair?

[wallaby65]

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

A predator? Have I wandered into a bad Michael Douglas film?

I know loads of happy couples who knew each other prior to a breakup. I hate these words 'claws', 'predator' etc in this context. They're only used about women, and they infantilise men.

"Predator" is not only used about women

I am debating arguing on another current thread where the term is very clearly describing dodgy male behaviour

I would use it about a man that did this too.

She is going to declare her feelings at a time when she knows that he is going through a tough time in his marriage. She is not his friend! Why is that so hard to understand?

She is going out of her way to kill the marriage and snap up the husband, that IS a predator! She goes on about her lovely life etc, makes it sound like this desperate, breathless romantic, and yet unspoken love.

Its a manky affair where she is desperate to get her leg over without looking like a slapper. The sooner she realises that, the better.

It's less likely she will realise how wrong she is when there are people lining up to pat her on the back for her saintliness whilst vilifying a woman who hasn't had the opportunity to put her side

this bloke is having an affair with OP...minimising that helps no-one, least of all the OP

Totally agree with bogeyface, anyfucker etc. Find it baffling that people regard it acceptable to interfere with other people's marriages in this way when it is so obvious that the OP has an agenda.

Now its all the womans fault? really?

What about if he is in an unhappy marriage and trying to get out of it?

clipped. If he is in a bad marriage and has been trying to get out of it for years according to OP? are you serious how hard can it be that it takes years?

Then he should get out of it CP I have every sympathy for anyone in a miserable marriage, especially if there is any sort of (genuine) abuse within it.

But it should have nothing to do with the OP. She should not involve herself in anyway.

Being a friend, listening, being there. All fine. Telling him she loves him and will happily be in a relationship with him if he leaves his wife. Not fine. Not fine at all.

She is trying to manipulate him into leaving so she can say that they didnt have an affair (fail 1, they already are) and that she didnt contribute to the break up of his marriage (fail 2, she is actively doing just that).

This all aside from the fact that if a person cant leave a marriage without someone else to go to then they are using the person they are leaving for, not loving them.

Absolutely not all her fault. But his marital problems are between him and his wife and I think the support he needs should come from his real friends - not someone who has an ulterior motive. I agree - it can be extremely difficult to get out of a difficult/abusive relationship but I don't think the OP's offering 'real' support - more hindrance.

I stand by every post i have said.

I feel that the OP is doing the wrong thing of course and justifying it but I know she is going to be hurt. Smacking her in the face isn't the way to go.

I think that if anyone had any doubts that there's nastiness on this thread then Bogeyface has just dispelled them...

always remember that a relationship is between two people and others are rather imaterial, if one decides to cheat it doesn't mean the fall back is evil.

Care to elaborate Forty?

so glad you stand by your posts,wouldn't expect anything less!!!Still don't think its for anyone else to decide if OP feels picked on or not.I still don't read any bullying in these posts.

Bogey if you're happy to toss out 'slapper' as an insult then I'm probably wasting my time

OP, why would you want a man who makes such bad decisions about his personal life (allegedly), who talks about his personal marital problems with another woman and slags off his wife to her?

What if he does it to you?

What if its a pack of lies (for that matter). The Valentines Card with "I hate you" written on it just doesn't sound authentic. And he showed you this why??

Think about it.

I never said anyone was bullying?

I said that I personally didn't like some of the postings.

I said that if a person is not happy (or a woman) in a relationship then its usually the case that the person will look outside of that for comfort or a shag or whatever, that doesn't mean that the person they go to is evil.

Morrisszap
"As for all this 'don't go near him until 6months/ a year etc after his divorce', this is just totally unrealistic. In the real world, people meet other people, they move on. Only on MN must separated men be quarantined as proof that they are over their ex."

Brilliant, so true.

Manky affair, leg over, slapper.

Unpleasant and sexist.

Forty

Perhaps you could specify where I used the word slapper as an insult?

I said that she didnt want to look like a slapper (who would?) by sleeping with him before he was seperated. I didnt say she was one, or would indeed be one.

I don't believe in "quarantine" but offering some bloke who is actually still living with his wife and child a nice soft landing if he fucks them off is pushing it a bit

Exactly...

Any affair is manky.

Any sex involved in an affair is manky and therefore "leg over" is apt imo, as it is simply stuffing body parts into other body parts with no real love or respect on either side.

Slapper, explained above.

Sexist how exactly? My feelings about married men who have any sort of affair are well known on MN but to clarify, I think they are lying cheating pieces of shit.

MorrisZapp thank you - you clearly have more patience than me!

Actually, CP, I think most people unhappy in their relationships would either a) look to the source of that unhappiness and try to work on it, or b) end the relationship if things are that bad, not turn to another person for 'a shag or whatever'. You have some strange ideas about relationships.

And we are taking the OP's word (and through her, her friend's word) that the relationship is unhappy. It's all very one-sided. Without actually being in that household and observing the relationship first-hand no one can say how it works.