Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

tis get well soon. i think a visit to the gp is in order. also the teeth/jaw thing- it is not that your jaw is sore is it particularly when you open it? or is it definitely your teeth- the jaw thing is a symptom of depression- strange but true. (although in my case i think when i am proper miserable I go quiet and my jaw which is used to a lot of talking seizes up)

charlotte yes! they do make it a bit easier in the end by showing their true colours. not once did my ex say OMG I see what i have done now. Sorry. no it was all poor me, what am I supposed to do? this is awful for me. I am the victim. Of course he didn't ant it to end- all the claiming I was doing x,y,z to make him unhappy was just pretence, he was happy as a pig in shit because he was pretty much getting everything his own way.

Breath hello bathroom my old friend. I sing #that's me in the sauna, that's me in a hot place, losing per- spiration#, to the tune of REM losing my religion...when I am in the sauna and no one else is there maybe I should have saved that for the highly amusing immature things you do thread (waves at match)

clv I think it is also called a waste of his time if you are already out. he knows it is all hot air. you know it is all hot air. ignore. ignore. ignore. maybe, if he really does have to see the dcs, get a cheap sim/phone just for that and have it switched off at all other times?

Charlotte, loving the NC. Suits you!

Hey cestlavie - I would put a large amount of money on the fact that the police did not say you were neurotic, and that the GP did not show him the letter (although may have mentioned it). That's what he thinks, not them. He brings it up to try and 'prove' his argument - it doesn't matter that it was something 4 and 5 years ago, proof is proof! is that all he's got? rubbish!
God forbid you show love to your children by making sure they are properly clothed and well fed. You monster! Any chance you could go back to a solicitor to get contact sorted? If not, then how about giving him a schedule and saying 'that's how it is, if you don't like it, take me to court'. Or, as Hissy says, stop it altogether. And remember to keep all those abusive texts and emails. He's horrible.

Leclerc what's that FW doing send you emails in the middle of the night???? Wanker. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Had a rotten night last night. No more than 1.5hrs sleep on the trot, between snot-boy (DS2) and sore-tummy-boy (DS1, who ended up in with me - and he's grinding his teeth in his sleep too, another stress-related physical symptom to add to the list). Time to bulk-buy the Calpol, methinks. And that's just for me.

no Snowshapes not at all. I can feel really bad all on my own hun My comment was in support of yours I have the 'you are so strong thing' Was joining in! I used to feel strong, but I wasn't really, I couldn't stand up to him or others atall, even though people always thought I was strong. Not at all. but hoping I'll get there. Double whammy with the parents situation to cope with too - you've done NC so thats the biggest bit, and a couple of years in, doing well! that first couple of years is the hardest ime. You have enough stuff at home, like you say, to cope with. Please no need for apologies atall. It was ExFW that taught me my lessons well, so I knew how rubbish I was, but I find it really hard to not believe it - STILL! as abuse still coming despite no communication.

Actually he did/does a lot of what cestlavie talks of. Welcome here... sorry you also have a FW! It all sounds pretty familiar. All the abuses that are returned just from a single simple statement. Crazy. Sounds like you have all the servicesin place to support. Keep posting xx

sorry to hear of such poor sleep last night ladies.. I feel for you, as I'm sitting here sore eyed from the siberian windws battering the windows all night and making them bang and rattle really loudly. One day I'll relax and stop remembering the things thrown at the house, ect... .but right now I sstill have to check the camera (poor vis due to blizzards) reassured that only the craziest of crazies fw? would be out in that! but very little sleep.

Get well soon tis

I have to keep telling myself, they are lies cestlavie they really are, they mean nothing atall, and now I take comfort from thinking that it doesn't really matter what the words are, or trying to make sense of them, he's still just being vile. People don't speak like this to each other, and thats bad enough, without thinking about what he might be trying to say lie

tks people,,, it does help to know the script is being followed.. he used to use the "he/she says..." when we were together.."so and so says you are fat too..." (you are overweihgt was a big mantra after i (gasp)..went from size 12 to size 14-16 after dc) "my cousin says you are cold and unfriendly".." i asked xxx and they said they agreed with me, you are in the wrong..." that kinda thing...

a gem from ystrday "you have made of the sickness i had an evil and an instrument to separate the children from me and feed them with your fears and neurosis".. not even worth explaining to him i left him coz of his behaviours not because of simple "depression".... in any case GP has on record that i would go to gp saying "he pushed and shoved me" etc and GP would say "well that is not his depression go to the police". yes he is flailing...

dd1 has made decision wont see him; dd2 holds some hope he can change but is becoming stronger and clearer on setting clear boundaries after suffering from let downs... "i will see him thursday night each week mummy that is all" . [ and this being discussed with family therapist so should he take it to court i will have their back up] ...ds would see him more but he wont see him much anyway as too hard work due to his disabilities so that solves that one...

it is just so tiring after all these years to still be attacked...crunch points like birthdays come up.

clvl so sorry to hear you have had and are still having such a rotten time. you sound like a very sorted person who is doing a great job in a difficult situation.

You seem to see it pretty clearly that he is not rational- so hold onto that. it is all irrational rubbish because he is irrational person and his perspective it totally skewed. yes he may believe this stuff. so what. just because he believes it makes it far from true (in fact quite the opposite- chances are if he believes it is is 100% guaranteed bullshit, useful only as manure to help you grow your resolve ;-D) it is such a pain that we cannot just walk away from these toxic people altogether because we share children with them.

Love the new NN Charlotte

Stay strong cestlevie, sounds like you're doing your very best in a tough situation. He probably won't change, but you need to let his rants go over your head as much as possible. x

I think I'm being gaslighted. A few things around the house have inexplicably gone missing in the last few weeks, I know where they should have been but they're not. He swears he hasn't touched them, and none of them are things DD could have moved. We've had no visitors. I'm suspicious but doubting myself.

Hey Nini - I'm sure you are right. A few things going inexplicably missing is just too much of a coincidence around a FW. Of course he's not going to admit he moved them, the object is to make you feel stressed andlike you are going mad!
Is there any significance in the items that are missing, do you think? Are there any places you think he could have stashed them? (His car?) I think I remember fool's FW hiding things on her after she first got him out, like putting keys in the freezer and stuff like that.

Well one is a set of new chopping boards so no idea where they could have gone, and some papers (colour matchers from Dulux), and inexplicably one of my slippers went missing for the weekend and turned up somewhere I know I'd already looked. Not entirely sure what that means - although if I was to have a guess it's connected to him telling me I hoard too much. I'm not sure.

I do remember keys-in-the-freezer-gate! Very very strange.

Hope you can catch up on some sleep soon Curtis? Poorly kids is no fun for anybody!

Hi Nini, that does sound strange! I remember my fw finding my ring lying around and pocketing it, watching me frantically trying to find it and then sanctimoniously handing it over with a lecture not to leave valuable things lying around. Wow that taught me a lesson- to despise him:)

nini after divorce but before he left, I carefully purloined and hid my fave bits of kitchen kit, and one or two other things I knew he wouldn't remember if they weren't there. Perhaps that's why the chopping boards have gone, and the other is common or garden gaslighting?

Having not posted in a while the thread has moved on, so I will confine myself to congratulating Charlotte and waving to everyone else.

I hope you find his evil 'stash' nini best to just put it down to gaslighting so that you can forget about it?

I find it so hard to get my head around the energy that goes into this pure shit! but doing that and gaining pleasure from it is somehow helpful in realising quite how strange and on another track they are, right?

I've heard of someone finding tons of stuff stashed in the spare wheel compartment under the boot carpet - was that on here?

I also just found a couple of links to help those that might feel bullied /scared by the overwhelmingingness (!?) of SS and to get constructive legal advice:

family rights group is a charity with experience of helping families who are dealing with SS (www.frg.org.uk )

Rights of women is another organisation (www.rightsofwomen.org.uk)

I have to say that again!

re: gaslighting: but [the knowledge of them] doing that and gaining pleasure [they gain] from it is somehow helpful in realising quite how strange and on another track they are, right? sick sick cookies

nini wouldn't worry too much about what it means. have realised that not only can you not change them, although you can predict what they will do and we are all experts in that, you cannot understand them because this only makes sense to them because they are irrational beings.

They run entirely on their in internal (ill)logic.

Thank you for this thread and the links at the start. I have read your experiences with interest and a sad recognition.

I've spent today crying, again. This time it's because he thinks my mum is emotionally blackmailing me. (Not true). Last week it was because he couldn't find a parking space. My fault, obviously.

I am so full of stress hormones I am clammy and nauseous.

Hi bona sorry you find yourself here but welcome.

Thanks mink

Horrendous isn't it?
And the loneliness is crippling me.

I am so grateful for this support thread. I found it today linked from another thread.

Welcome bona and hey to everyone else

I don't post much, but this thread has been a life saver. The ladies on here seem to know just what to say.

Does help make you feel less alone

I'm just wondering how to deal with the abuse while I'm still with him. (Making plans..)

Ignore? Confront? Gaaah.

He's so passive aggressive it's maddening.

Bone crushing loneliness here too... But not anymore!

And actually here is what kept me going, spurred me on and put me back on my feet when I was sat on me arse.

lean away, it's your time to need help, and your time to really warrant it.

When the time comes, you can give it back.