Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

An Oscar-winning performance then Charlotte. Apparently my FW had nothing to live for after we left. He seems to be very much alive after 5 months!

You've got to hand it to FWs, though, Charlotte
They are so sure they don't miss a trick.
I sometimes wonder whether they actually half believe the shite they come out with.
Most of the time, however, I wish all FWs would stick their f*ing heads down the waste disposal - if they could get it out from up their arses, that is.

YY Pony to us tolerating crap because we're pre-conditioned to manage it. Sadly, all my life, people have said to me, "you're so strong, don't know how you manage" etc, when in fact I'm weak to have put up with the high level of crap without standing up for my own rights as a properly strong person would. Presenting the unruffled surface and making a pretty picture is what it's all been about, whereas a stronger, more sorted person would have kicked fw out at the fist sign of fwittery

Charlotte, an oscar worthy performance indeed. My fw has been acting marvellously, too: veered from furious on Friday (Cafcass letter), neutral on Saturday, attentive and trying hard on Sunday to angry and blamey today (rejected his attempts, didn't I, so he said, "I don't know when you're going to come out (I think he meant closet ) or admit you just don't want a man. I said to him, "No, your actions have ended my interest in you. That doesn't make me gay or frigid. Can you not face reality?") (See, I'm getting braver!)

Also he made dd anxious and shaky because he shouted about cafcass hearing in front of her. Then accused me later of always having put myself first and asking, "I don't know why you ever had a family?" and blaming me for alienating his friends!!! When I was the one to keep his few friendships going till I got fed up. Ah well, he is being a good and helpful fw becuase his attentiveness and kindness yesterday was playing with my head a bit, but he couldn't keep it going for more than one day, once I had declined to play along with his plans for a make-up shag, coz that makes it all alright, doesn't it

Tonight I'm singing "Hello, bathroom, my old friend" to the tune of that Simon and Garfunkel song . Because it was the gallant (lockable) bathroom who shielded my virtue last night, along with dcat of course.

most eloquent french I thought ladies!

coats all hung up safe from dcat nesting, post mother's day massacre cleared up in kitchen, and dcats ddog all present and correct, although must check for the one that was up on the roof last night! seriously! it was climbing along the ridge tiles, thoght it must have got up there somehow, but is freezing cold now and snowing so going to check that neighbours cat did come home! I sure she's had a rash of concerned neighbours bothering already (but just to be sure she'll have to have another).

oops kettle just boiled over, so will be curling up alone with DHottie tonight! (aka hot water bottle ... booo!) thats if DCat stays away again, I suspect he may wander on up later...

Tis tip - free to have the dentist make your own one... I have one (well actually 2, cos I lost the first one, and then found it after he made another!)

I'm sure there must be something better than 'just can't believe it' [again] as it is the same every time isn't it. Even managing his PR so well (with the emails to your DParents). Well at least its reassuringly in the manual!

Peace and restful sleep to all. xx

Fly, :o to your response to the gay accusations.

Yes, an impressive performance indeed, particularly to absolve himself totally of all blame so quickly. There were a couple of times today when I could hear the combined forces of this thread shouting, "Acting!" and had to stifle a giggle. Although, I think in fairness, some of it was genuine grief at the loss of something so valuable to him - his reputation! Sorted family man no longer.

I have written to his family, a small catalogue of examples of his behaviour. As usual, I am shocked all over again by how difficult life with him has been! We are never ever getting back together. :o

Charlotte never, ever, ever?

Yeah to the freedom fighters

missed NChecks there ... the can't believe it [again] was response to you Charlotte

love that song... never ever, ever... . getting back together...

spine tingling!

The freedom fighters of the commune of lightness of being. Cheers, comrades

Charlotte, Likey likey

Well done, Charlotte, stand firm! You are spot on with the loss of reputation analysis, but you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all his family unless they are kind, supportiv people who deserve an explanation. Like the namechange too.

Going to catch up on rest of thread and have an earlier night. Feel exhausted so trying more sleep, see if it helps.

Good wishes and strength to all. This thread makes me reflect so much on things, mainly what I would have done differently had i known earlier, maybe though these things just take their time so you are able to cope.

Breathe, I have the 'you are so strong' thing too. But I think the distinction in what you say is not about being weak. It is about being resilient but needing stronger boundaries. Having weaker boundaries (speaking personally) doesn't make you weak, it means you give or gave FW the benefit of the doubt as good people do. You are resilient to be getting through this.

Aw, tis, i hope you feel better soon.

Thanks snow for your supportive words

leclerc you wanton

seeexxy tis ! woooo, get you!

liking it, way to go Charlotte

I know I am completely weak and rubbish snow I learnt my lessons well

dcat has arrived... my cue to log off.... and sleep, except I can't stop my window rattling in the siberian winds tonight

fi my dcat has done his best to deprive me of use of legs by lying on them while they were up on a cushion. Took me ages to move afterwards

Good night fellow commune dwellers. xxx

May I join in for a rant?
What dyu call it when they dredge up things you said and did years ago, twist it and hurl it at you?

Today has been a rant of texts... In between trying to pin down this week.s contact.,, y "you are neurotic. The police told me that when you reported me for harassment " (this was in 2009)

This ia ll over contact with dc being difficult, dd1 nearly 13 refusing to see him which is of course me poisoning her (I made her do contact for two years, but now she twelve only force her for occasional public events..)

Will celebrate five years in our lovely rented flat next week! Separate. Hurray.

"my gp showed me the complaint letter you sent. Neurotic. You are sick" ( This was 2008... After his gp called me to say "he is severely depressed you know is there a chance you will get back together?" and I wrote to say "no because he smashed his fist thru my door and has been physically aggressive and violent" etc..had to spell it out...

"isaw the letter you wrote to the head teacher, you are sick and neurotic. It is all lies " the letter in 2008explainig. Some of what was going on and that there was court order for supervised contact so dc were not to be picked up by him...

Why bring up all of this stuff in the past ? There must be aname for it. ,,, kinda gas lighting...

"you are abusing your children! I am goIng to contact social services? "

Err please do...the file there on you is quite big actually...

"you thInk you show love by feeding clothing and buying them presents. That is not love. You are abusing me and the children" ((from the man who pays zero nothing towards the kids but has bled me dry financially thru joint owned property and forced me to go to court to get order to sell....)

His catch word is "you are abusive" to any thing eg "sorry dd 2 can't come Tuesday due to after school activity but she can come Thursday this week " gets back "you are abusive ..."

Ignoring... Ignoring... Might block his number but if ds with him is only contact due to ds disabilities.

The court order for supervised contact has been superseded really tho as he doesnt believe in courts and judges it is still there in the background...we are doing the "other contact as agreed between the parties" but it is always a drama getting a time and date agreed. I Sent email proposing set days contact as suggested by family therapist ...got back "no! I am not agreeing to anything you discuss without me there! You are beng abusive " so no agreement possible.... So as no set days agreed every week is a negotiation tho have narrowed it down to tues thurs and every other weekend day time as being potentially his. However dd2 does not want the whole quota espec after he promised various outings etc one saturday recently but they didn't make it out the door for five hours as he was "fixing someone.s computer" .
Contact is wobbly as he attacked in 2010 when in one of his "scary" phases tho he seems fairly stable in terms of not majorly anxious or ticcing or lashing out at things.., (still angry and obnoxious towards me tho) he just doesn't take her needs or wants into account at all ....wants her around his flat watching tv but won't take her to park.., (she is 10 -and a very active child).

Sigh...

cestlavielife, that sounds like a nightmare. I don't know if there is a name for his behaviour, but it sounds like he is flailing around trying to throw anything he can at you, because he knows there is nothing else he can do. I think your DDs are old enough by the sounds of it to know their own minds. Ignore, ignore, ignore - easier said than done, I know.

Fi, I'm sorry, I honestly hope my comments didn't make you feel bad. For what it is worth, you are one of the posters who was kind and helpful to me, when I first pitched up on this forum on the SH thread - because that is where I started with thinking something was wrong, then I realised I needed to look closer to home, as have been virtually NC with my parents for a couple of years. I have not yet had the courage to go back to the SH thread, though I know I need to address the issues somehow, so you are a braver person than me for that alone. Your posts are consistently helpful, funny, supportive, despite your own difficult circumstances.

Well, wishing everyone strength for today.

cestLavie they mostly call that LIES love. snow is right, it's cos her's rattled, and can see he's losing his grip on you.

If you can find the strength to tap into it, you can gain strength from his panic. The worse he gets, the calmer and stronger YOU get.

Seriously, do you think his seeing the DC is good for them? If they don't want to go, can you call a total halt? Use the vagueness of his arrangements to engineer that the visits lessen, so the children aren't used to hurt others, or manipulated and emotionally abused.

If there's a hint of him being less than warm and fluffy with them, and if legally possible, look into ceasing/severely limiting contact untilhell freezes over he's civil and healthy to be around.

Stay calm, focussed and know that the madder he gets, the stronger you clearly are in his eyes. Go for the jugular and show ALL your calm quiet steely strength and watch him squirm.