Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sorry didn't make it outside the Traveller's Rest/Ye Old Fucke Off. (The Staggering Vixens sound more like a wine bar?) might have been celebrating St P's Day with an Irishman in my bed

I'm in such a muddle. H is being really nice and I'm finding myself being argumentative just to stop myself doubting my memories of him. I pushed his hand off me in bed last night because I hate him feeling like I'm his property I was too hot and he texted to ask me why I did that. Mm, similar to you throwing my arm off you a couple of weeks ago and shouting at me that I was having an affair.
Aargh.

Your post, Mrs M, shows that you are far from in a muddle. Of course if he is nice part of you is going to respond to that. But clearly your brain is under no illusions.

And in case you are still in any doubt - he texted me to ask why I did that ??

wondering if any others come across this? Whilst having contact with WA and the FP, local services here saying I cannot access things like CBT to help with the recovery from the fallout? I am not understanding the point really. I get that I am doing stuff already, maybe they mean that should be enough? but I feel shell-shocked and struck down with it all after last year's events and don't know how to cope with it and move on, doing things differently.

I guess one key thing is I can't be doing with hanging around, I want to go threough the hell at breakneck speed and get out the other side start living again. xx

Hi Ladies,

Sorry to butt in. I have read bits of this and previous threads over the last year or so, but have never posted because I don't want H to find me here. Also, it moves so fast, I'd never keep up!

I'd be awfully grateful for any wisdom or perspectives you could give on my situation, which I have posted in a secret place with an instantly identifiable short and sweet title. to all.

Silvery you are quite right of course. I'm empowered by the knowledge I have gained here.

Fairy - I had the same problems - two years on and I STILL have never had any CBT. I even had to lie to my college because CAHMS were messing me about, I was desperate and needed to talk to someone so the college advisor told me to tell the college counselling team (who could only give me six sessions anyway and it wasn't CBT) that I was not with CAHMS at all or I wouldn't even be able to get help from my college. CAHMS eventually told me they couldn't elp me beause having a FW in your life is, apparently, an ongoing problem and they dont' deal with ongoing problems...no shit, Sherlock!!! Abysmal - that's all I have to say - utterly abysmal. I was off work ill for 6 months due to stress, depression and physical symptoms...so six months claiming SSP all because the NHS is becoming a national disgrace.

tis the least you can do is bring 'boyos' to the 'wotsit vixens' on the moor and share them around, isn't it?

Was the craic good Silvery oops no need to answer assuming so

I think a pretty natural reaction to eejit FW trying to be 'nice' MrsM - text back, the obvious (I didn't want you to touch me) or just don't reply?! its so crazy making isn't it... and the being provocative thing just to stir it up again [to validate yourself] is the thing I mentioned last week as part of what the abused will do, and then end up feeling its their fault - but its definitely not xx

MrsM - ignore ignore, he's trying to get a reaction out of you, he feels he holds the power cards at the mo. How did it go with speaking to him about what your mum said?

Bloom - I've read your thread, and, wow, you have been more than patient waiting for this FW to make a decision for himself. He is making out that you shouldn't be angry - yes you blinking well should. If you get angry and shout at him a little, then he needs to take that, because of what he has done to you. That's the least he can do, if he is serious about wanting to work things out, because you need to release your anger in a safe way. So please try not to let him use you getting angry against you. Anger is not a bad thing. It is your anger and you are entitled to it.
But you've done brilliantly getting everything sorted, and then emailing him. But it doesn't sound like he'll go quietly or easily. I'd put any money on him turning this around onto being all your fault. Can you see a solicitor asap and get things rolling in terms of making arrangements for contact, etc, in a sensible way so that he has little to rail against?

oh gawd trust truly shit. I know that some have managed to access trauma CBT and EDMR for PTSD, flashbacks and so on, but maybe its because the areas are a bit of a lottery? I knw that many access more than one service, and I don't consider WA /FP to be part of that? I wonder whether the guy I spoke to even knows what I was talking about tbh - the ol fucking chestnut!!! grrrrrr....

i read your post Bloom and I'm very sorry you've had to experience his gittery, and set up so many chances which he failed! His focus does seem, sadly, to be completely about the house (he'll show how much he cares about the DC by possibly moving straight in with her and blaming you as 'he had nowhere else to go'). It looks from what you've written that he's been hedging his bets all this time and giving lip service to the xyz, in order to get his own needs in the longer term, and yy blaming you for it will be par for the course.... but that could all be me projecting knowledge of my own ExFW!!! Whatever he says about your anger, everyone will understand how being cheated on makes you angry! What's he got to be so angry about?. take care xx

Fi thinking about it, I feel it is right not to combine the FP with CBT. Both these things will help you rearrange your thinking in quite resourceful ways, even while they are out of your conscious mind. So may be better to let one at a time sink in and do its work.

It's alright to take things slowly :)

Silvery I have never ever gone so slow in my life, like stopped! It makes me cry and I hate it. I want it over.

I do know rationally that taking on another thing may be too much, but I have to get on, with everything, and I'm just not, I don't know how to do anything right now ... eeeeeeek! Just feel totally stuck and life he's wrecked me and I hate that...boooo hooo hooo.

I just keep asking people to tell me what to do! cos I just must be doing it wrong. There endeth the rant.

The calming voice of reason Silvery thank you.

fi try not to take on too much. Just concentrate on one thing at a time. I know its bloody difficult at times especially when your brain resembles swiss cheese!!

Mrsm he is trying to get a reaction so he has an excuse to have a go and then for him to say its your fault I am angry. Try to rise above it, and react in private

tbh I was feeling a little frustrated at the assessment call where I asked if the guy knew what fp was and about DA, y y y he trimmed... but then asked me questions which showed he didn't have clue, I don't want to see anyone who doesnt have a clue what I'm talking about. He cut across me in the middle of my answer to something so I stopped, but then asked me anything else I wanted to add?!?!? well amonst other things. He also asked about physical abuses on my DD, he never slapped or punched but her was always very grabby and grippy pushy and threw her about a bit, and he asked if he still sees her... well yes... is that something they'd report to SS?

Thanks Dillie I've had to drop everything else, and its rubbish.. but yes, I hear.

fairy do you find that if people interrupt you then you just stop talking? How rude of him though.

dillie thank you. I find it amazing how much I can doubt myself!!

Did anyone else make a "thread resolution" mine is to see a solicitor and I keep emailing them but no-one replies!! I need to phone but I hate talking on the phone.

mrsm I must admit, my friend did the initial phone call and dragged me to the first appointment. Wasn't because I didn't want to, I was just so damn scared!

Once I got over that, I was OK. Still don't like phoning them, but the lady that is looking after my case is really nice. Does make things a little easier!

I do MrsM, not always, sometimes i try to continue, but he did this quite a few times, felt like I just talked quite alot far too much but I did just keep stopping, and apologising too. ... by the end I was tired of it and when he did it the last time stopping me, and then asked the next 'was there anything else you wanted to ask', I did say, I was just trying to when you stopped me to ask me again?!?!?, he just said, 'go on then' !!

I sensed he was up against time and many questions to get through in his way I wouldn't want to see him, just because I don't trust him now, he lied about his knowledge.

I'd be tempted MrsM to avoid if they can't answer emails in a timely way . I agree, its a lot easier to do in writing. and far less intimidating, but i guess that until you talk to them, you won't know if you can go through the process with them?

I will make phone calls tomorrow. It's not encouraging if they say "email us" and then ignore you!!

where's lady Amazeballs? just was thinking about you lovely and hoping that plans are going well. xx

I am to dim to work out where the secret place is...can someone pm me...

Evening all.

Thank you all. This thread is a lifeline for me. I know that the real reason for not agreeing to me having counselling is that he knows it will make me stronger. It's like when I moan about him or any man, he has started telling me 'you hate all men'. me 'no I don't, I just don't like how x, y , z is being'. 'You do, your such a feminist'...

Loving the welshiness of the thread! DSDs are half welsh. DD is very proud of herself now she can say a welsh phrase-the very useful phrase "I like chips!" (Can say but not spell it in Welsh!)

FW is in a weird mood. Saw him on Saturday and as he'd been in contact with his solicitor he was on one about the cm. Yesterday he rang to see if we wanted to come round for dinner .

He picked the dc up today from nursery/school and was back in charm mode today. Probably as he feels guilty about yanking DD away from an electric fire too hard and hurting her arm.