Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

mrsm so sorry that your mum let you down. Tend.to agree that if you can head it off pre-emptively, then do, but understand your anxiety. I am guessing your mum was trying in a very misguided way to help but I don't know, it seems very ill-judged. No wonder you are upset.

breathe agree, if FW cared, he would be glad that you have a good friend to turn to. I am sorry your mum left, hope you feel better after seeing your friend.

What is it with FWs and nappies? Honestly, I am sure that is another thing FW thought i should do as i am a woman.

tcm what us it about him not being there that makes you panic?

Is it that you don't think you can manage without him?

I bet you can as you probably do more than your share already. and you would be amazed how capable you are when there is no one there undermining you.

Or that you will miss him?

I miss ex very little now that i have had time to look at how he behaved.

Or breaking up your family?

That is a tough one. i still feel bad about it but my kids deserved better than having their heads messed up and seeing their mother disrespected. they are girls. i don't want them to grow up thinking this is ok.

Or just the finality?

I hate endings. i have real issues with things being over. don't want know why. still think that everynow and then. can't thatbelieve it is over. so many things we won't do together and conversations I'd like to have. the daftest things like i would him to see how the allotment is coming along . but you know what? it is over and that means no more getting called a fucking idiot, no more him chucking tantrums if he doesn't like his tea. and it gets easier ever day.

Bit like whipping off a plaster.

The time Will come when you are ready and then it does you Will find you are stronger than you think it is a positive step and not as hard as staying with someone who is treating you badly and every Day squashing yourself down fitting in and always bending to someone else's Will

soz my phone has decided all will be Will. i have not gone biblical or monarchist just my phone being daft.

Oh and tired of course he is capable of changing a nappy!
Same as my ex would be capable of looking after his DDs for more than 3 hours without needing a gf if it were not for the fact is suits him not to. i would bet you money that when ex does get gf he Will tell her i only let him have them for 3 hours and that he has to beg to see them.

arthritic and trust so sorry to hear your horrific experiences. There are not enough words,no one should go through that.

On the FW script, I have been wondering this. Is it a throwback to when men were women's possessions? Is it because os social inequality? The earlier posts about whether all men were useless made me wonder whether FW actually used my feminist stance against me, like well, because I would think that is how men are. Except that is not how all men are, just FWs. I think it is more the case that he thought he wanted a strong independent woman and once he had one, he tried to break her.

Sorry for multiple posts, on phone and letters start jumping about when they get too long. No further forward on the skinny jeans front, but thank you for not thinking i am being ridiculous. Am off to muse on the pub name.

Love and strength to all.

Thank you Snow and mink what is it that panics me about leaving him? Like you mink I have a really hard problem with how final it is, and this is something I have always had a problem with. I know that I would cope so much better without him, I do 90% of everything anyway, and spend all my time either working, being a student, looking after our DD or looking after H. I also worry about what other people will think, I suffer very badly from low self esteem and am always worrying what others think of me. The other big reason is tearing our family apart. I have discussed it with H before, how I want DD to have 50/50 time with each off us, and he has stated to me that he would want less time than that. It breaks my heart, how can H want to spend less time with his DD and not more???

I am getting so worn down by this constant cycle, and I really wish I could rip the band aid off, but how do I make such a final choice? I get so sad most days that I'm not with someone who I love and who loves me, and that makes me happy and not confused, upset and miserable. And then I realise that as long as I'm with H then I never will be. I feel like I am just watching life go by me, but I'm not experiencing it, as there is no opportunity with H to do so. And then I feel guilty and like I am being to rash, as H promises me that when we both graduate from our Phd's things will be different as we'll have more money, so he'll worry about it less, and we'll do things... and what if he's right?

I wanted to go to therapy, I had found myself a councilor and everything. And H has said no because we don't have the money... and I feel like shit, because he's basically said that money is more important to him them my mental health...

Sorry for the rant, just so confused in my head.

But just quickly, on breaking up a family, yy to what mink says. When FW threw that one at me, I told him the way a family functioned was more important than its form. He predictably said there was nothing wrong with the way our family functioned. Strength and courage, it takes a while, every day you notice more and every day the scales tip towards going.

X-posted, sorry. I am no therapist, but you want someone to love, you know it will not be your H. You suffer from low self-esteem, yet are on route to a PhD, so clearly academically, got lots going for you? Why don't you think you deserve the chance to find that person to love, who loves you back?

On the less than 50% care, if you do 90% of it now, he won't suddenly do more. I speak from experience of two exes. There is nothing that will change that, no matter what you do, otherwise you would not be doing the lion's share now.

tiered you sound exactly how I was a few months before I had had enough.

The strength comes from nowhere. My best friend said my strength came from my mama bear instincts wanting to protect dd. In a way she is right. My dd had to stick up for me just before Christmas as I wanted to go out to a Christmas do with my volunteer centre. His reaction was who is he and where are you going? Dd said no daddy mummy is telling the truth.

There is no way a 7yo should have to feel that she needs to protect her mum.

You will find your point. Trust me.

As for counselling, I did that without fw knowing until I was 2 or 3 sessions in and I was strong enough mentally to tell him exactly what I wanted and needed.

Is there any way you are able to do the same?

Thank you for all your support. I hope, I really do, that I find my strength and drive to leave. I did think of just going to the counselling anyway Dillie but with how H is over money, there really is no way I could pay for it, and it's not the hassle, questions etc I will get from H if I did, he makes any spend even £2 for coffee unpleasant enough for me.

tired one of my friends said to me- he Will never change and you cannot be happy with him. i cannot promise you that you Will find someone who does make you happy but at least if you are not with him there is a chance of that happening.

Wise words.

Tcm it is nite about the money it us about control. it dies not matter him much money you both have he will always try to control you through it.
Always.
He is also using your DD to control you by saying he won't do his share. don't buy it.

At least if you are on your own, your money is yours, you know what your share is and you have your life to live.

It is true what snow says- if he dies not for it now he won't do it then. So don't expect much maintenance or sharing of child care out of him. not fair but true.

But i find it easier doing everything without him here than i found doing everything while resenting him sitting on his arse doing f all.

Sigh nite = not and dies = does just think of me as having a weird accent.

If he dies not for it now = if he does not do it now.

Bringing laptop to pub later

The pub should be The Travellers' Rest

Lol mink I did read that in a funny accent and it made me smile for the first time this evening! I truly don't understand how he could be happy seeing his DD so little, and how the cost of traveling to pick her up would be too much... always bloody money with him.

It so confusing, for the first 9 months he was nothing like this, and it has gotten gradually worse. He says he knows and that when we have more money it will be how it used to be [hmmm]

sorry that is he was saying how the cost of traveling to pick her up each week would be too much. I can obviously understand if we lived far apart the cost would be high!

TCM I thought things would be all right when we had moved house, succeeded in TTC, Ex could drive, me and/or Ex had regular work, when we had enough money - it even motivated me to achieve some of these things, but guess what - it Made No Difference.

Oh and about your gran. I'm afaid I sometimes forget to say these things

thesilverpussycat thank you, don't worry I forget these things too! I know that that will be the case, it's been goalpost after goal post already with H. I remember when we got married, H really upset me, his mum and sister, as when ever anyone asked him was he excited, how was he feeling etc his first answer was always 'yeah it'll be good, we need the money'. (being married meant I was an 'independent student as so didn't get assessed on my mum's income), then when prompted 'what about loving TCM?' he'd add oh yeah that to.... Always always money... why am I still here and scared of leaving him..

Dillie and Mink a lot of what you posted resonated with me. I left because my 4yr old DD was starting to defend me to FW and it wasn't the example of marriage I wanted her and DS to see.
FW threatened a lot of things the time before my final exit. That I'd be going it alone as he didn't want to be a weekend dad. Most of the threatening stuff they say is just to get us to do whatever they want us to do and is hot air.

Now I'm out I am able to deal with any confrontations we have calmly, whereas he gets himself all worked up. So I just get the dc ready and go. I am not quite detached emotionally yet as I still chat to him about stuff when I collect the dc. I only miss having an adult to talk about my work day with, but nothing else.

TCM you CAN do this.

I like The Travellers' Rest. It is a long journey, made easier by having somewhere to stop, share and gather strength.

determined hope you are okay.

Maintenance, ha, FW used to get his knickers in a twist whenever I mentioned money by saying that XH1 didn't pay anything. Not excusing XH1, but Xh1 is on his uppers, FW has a well-stocked wine and champagne cellar, you get my drift. Fw is currently paying less than the CSA minimum and, i have realised, spends as little as possible on DC2 when he is here. By the way, he paid less than the CSA minimum , i know realise, when we were together too.

So mink wise words, alone, you know what you have, plus, the whole world doesn't think you have more.

now realise, i mean.

Thank you match I really hope I can, I am such a shadow of who I really am when around H, even being with him I guess as it means I can't do things like visit my mum easily or unless H is in the right mood.

Really hoping the Lundy book will help me. Also keeping my eyes on houses to rent. Think maybe I need to find the right one, then I can put down the deposit with family support, then it's done...Thank you all though, after 10 years, and my whole adult hopefully I will find the strength to leave and start being happy

wobbles

I miss having an aduklt to talk to too but realised i could knit myself a man sized lump, stick it on the couch, put a laptop in front of it and talk to it and I would get pretty much the same conversation as before

mind you that said, I never used to go online and now I spend far more time than I used to partly because it is just there on my phone. must cut it back a bit as sometimes I am distracted when the dts want to talk to me. and it used to really bug me when he did it. so may have to have a no net on phone when the kids are up rule.

oh, I too have issues with finality and endings! This thread is interesting when it throws up some stuff about ourselves too.

I like the Traveller's Rest. Also The Final Furlong. Or the Last Chance Saloon .

mink Geese is the word ha ha!

Feeling better after my time with friend. Had lots of total gut laughter as usual with her - very healing

Also my dm texted me and said she felt guilty for leaving but she felt she was making things worse as she couldn't restrain herself from reacting when I was getting yelled at (by my ds who was having a strop). I can understand she's going through strain too, as she's highly emotional, loves me very much and finds it extremely difficult to rise above things. So she got home safely and things are good between us.