Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

many lightbulbs for me today! YY pony re dodgy things in past, whether it be finances, dodgy deals, traces on criminal records, etc.

I don't want my view of men tainted but find it very hard to trust my judgment (with bloody good reason!)

I had been confiding in my mum (who is an alcoholic but has been brilliant for the last six months) about things because her and my DF have lent me and H money for our house. My DF is away at the moment so I went home to help my mum with lambing and she has lapsed quite a bit and I spent the night at a friends house (such a wonderful night with wine and no worries...) when I got back to my mum to pick up my dog she said she had phoned H and told him some of the things I hd told her.

I feel so so so let down. I now have MN no one in RL whenI thought I could rely on my mum she has really let me down. I was terrified to come back to H but it seems ok, in fact he is being lovely

Oh MrsM. That is awful. Did you let you mum know how gutted you are that she has betrayed your confidence? Did she say why she had done it?

I am sure your H is being lovely right now about it, but still be careful - he could be storing it up to throw in your face when he sees fit. I think sometimes that if they behave differently to how you expect, it's not because of any miraculous sea-change, it's because they are deliberately trying to throw you off and wrong-foot you. And it's worked, you don't know know what to make of this when you were expecting him to be furious, right?
One of my worst ever nights was the night FW turned to me in bed and asked me about the solicitor I'd spoken to. I'd done it in secret, and when I realised he'd found out I was petrified, waiting for him to kick off. But he didn't. But I still waited and waited, and didn't sleep at all the whole night because I was so upset and anxious. but he didn't have to expend any energy at all and I was still wound up and scared, and back down on the ground where he wanted me.

pony that's exactly how I'm feeling now, everything he says I'm waiting for him to ask about it...

I have told her I won't ever be able to confide in her again. I know my dad will be really disappointed with her as well. I just feel so let down and the weird thing is that I had a sort of premonition that she would do it because I thought about crossing H's number out from the list they have by their phone (no mobile signal there). I just feel so let down by it all.

It's amazing how much energy you can expend being anxious isn't it!! I'm exhausted!

oh shit MrsM I cannot begin to wonder what went on in her head that she should call and talk to him, the one who is abusing you! gah!

Very very misguided best intentions?! to sort it out?!! Everyone else is clueless, but your DF could see the issue iwth that....

The only way is up (thinking of the song here).... no, wrong... The only way is out!

Oh mrsm that's awful. I'm so sorry.

Oh MrsM, that's rubbish that you are so anxious (but completely understand why). I suspect he knows you are on tenterhooks waiting for him to mention it and so is going to draw it out as long as possible.

If you could bring it up, that would take some of his power away. Would you be able to say something to him? I know I would have struggled to do this because I was so afraid of his reaction, but is there some way to plan exactly what you'll say, eg:
[adopting a breezy tone] 'So what did Mum say to you? She said she called after she'd had a drink, bet she was saying all sorts of nonsense, she says she doesn't remember what she said...'???

Thank you so much for your messages. It's a relief in a way that at least some people realise what a big issue that phone call was. pony I think I'll have to do that. Take the wind out of his sails.

One day I will contribute to this thread from the "other side" having escaped all of this nonsense.

Thank you everyone.

Checking in.been reading back and it is so reassuring to be be able to nod and recognise thinks that H does. I want to open another bank account but he will go mental. He counts every penny I spend, but just "treated" himself to a new tablet!
I am sick of living like this but don't know how to leave

tired sorry about your gran .
Why was H doing a credit check on you? Is this just something he dyes regularly (?!?) or was there a reason?

That is freakishly controlling. and i agree with was it hissy - call his bluff, keep the account.

Brb

If he is going to leave he Will leave anyway but i doubt he Will.

And the commune are so right- no master what you do when/ if you leave it will be your fault as far as he is concerned. the same as everything else is your fault in husband eyes. they don't see you they don't hear you they only see what goes on in their heads.

Of course he does not need to know you have a bank account. there are plenty of paper free basic bank accounts. And even paper laden accounts will hold your bank related post at your nearest Branch for you

TCM also very sorry about your gran

determined they all seem to read from the same script, don't they - which is, as you say, weirdly reassuring because it's not us, it's them.

I am having one of the lowest days I can remember. usually I can cope but today I can't. My dm has left (wasn't due to leave till tomorrow) due to awful atmosphere (dcs arguing and being very challenging, her arguing and being harder on ds than dd, me reacting to that obliquely and then suddenly she left . Now I'm worried about her on journey. I apologised to her for rubbish atmosphere and she said not to worry, but she felt she was making things worse so better to go.

I couldn't stop crying after she left (unlike me, I usually keep emotions in check as so used to burying and absorbing shit). Confusingly, fw was quite comforting. However, that doesn't wash too much with me, though a relief not to be shouted at for using petrol unnecessarily (I drove off to be alone for a bit and he called me to see if I was ok. Was half expecting a load of crap about petrol). My head feels like it's exploding. My neck is so spasmed up that it keeps twitching. Puffy eyes, splodgy face, twitching neck; I'm a right catch... SOOOOOOOOOOO low.........

Now fw has just come up to offer comfort. I have realised he thinks he's seen a chink in my armour. When I told him I was going out to friend's he was then huffy.

whereas if he really cared, he would be glad I was going to have a nice cup of tea at a mate's and cheer myself up a bit.

Am off to my mate's now but will check in at moorland pub (can it please not be called the King's Arms ) later for a morose, twitching whisky in the corner...

Perhaps the Hare and Hound?

MrsM that must be a horrible feeling. the betrayal and the waiting. hope you manage to sucessfully lance the boil! (the situation not your H! )

breath sorry your mum had to leave so suddenly.

So Geese is that the film with You're the swan that I want (honk, honk, honk)

and of course Geese Lightening.

Look at me I'm Gander Dee.
Eggy, my love.
We fly together ( like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong )
There are worse wings I could do
Beaky school drop out

There are worse things I could do was always my favourite song from that film

we should really have an irish pub name for tonight to be sure
the random pub generator came up with the Staggering Vixen

Lucky Wotsits

or The Onward

mrsm so sorry you have been let down. I feel so very fortunate and incredibly lucky I have support.

tired sorry to hear about your gran :(

Reading through this, I am having lots of lightbulb moments. My fw also had a ccj with the water company. We had to jump through huge hoops to get a mortgage 10yrs ago!

My dad said to me, if you have a joint account, you must have your own account too. (Which I did)

It wasn't until I told them that I was leaving fw I fully appreciated how little they trusted him money wise. Mum said she was always very worried about how much fw would spend on computer games and tech, without ensuring we had enough to live on, and it was always down to me to make sure dd was clothed etc.

Wish they told me! But I doubt I would have listened. :(

anyway laters for come guiness. It is good for you dontcha know
and it gives you strength

eugh come guiness! some guiness!! I'm not even on my phone

Hi all,

Sorry I can't read, not got long. H is having a 'quick lie down' and may come through any minute. Um the credit check was initially because we couldn't get a loan. I only found out last week that he now does them every few months.

I initially told him that I would close it down in the week, but he said no that we would go to the bank together at the weekend so he could be sure it was closed it has made me feel very trapped.

Another rant quickly. We went round to see his parents yesterday, and DD had poo'd. For the first time ever H actually offered to change her nappy.... this has not happened before or since and has really upset me, as it shows that he is fully capable of offering and such, but just chooses not too

I am just very confused atm. I can't stand FW, the way he acts and also treats me, but when he almost left I panicked so much, and still can't wrap my head round him leaving.

TCM, leaving FW was one of the hardest things I did because I was married, we had DC2, and it was always well, try one more thing, I used to think, I will give it six months, see what happens, till it got to the stage it was making me physically ill and damaging my DD and it was so, so obvious, there was nothing left to like about him. I think you panic because of the control ellement, they have undermined your judgement,, your reality so much, it is hard to know which way is up. I am sorry about your gran

YY to them controlling, or trying to, even post-split, how long does it take to get them out your head. Fw can plant nuggets in even 5 mins. While it makes me realise that i didn't imagine it and i recognise it for what it is, still i stress over it, like yesterday was in a lovely mood after call from old flame, but a bit of FWittery at pick up and back to anxiety. Makes me dread seeing him.