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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag.?

201 replies

AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:25

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

OP posts:
Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:30

There's no way I'd have carried on after he cheated last year.

Why would it come as a surprise if he's done it again?

If you live together, pack his bags ready for him to collect when he returns. If not, dump him by text. He sounds like a disrespectful, arrogant arsehole.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:31

Re-read the email exact wording at 2am.

Goodnight I WILL be ALONE and NOT I AM alone if that makes any difference.?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:33

Does 'doing the business' mean he screwed around? If so, I'm not surprised you're upset. He's clearly got no personal boundaries, does not think a casual shag is wrong in the slightest and therefore has no respect for you whatsoever.... What's the point putting up with a man you can't trust? Of course he's shagging about again... doesn't count if he's drunk and it just happens, right? Hmm

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:33

Makes not the slightest bit of difference.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:34

Last year it was with an ex.

I spoke to a male friend who said that it is easy to sleep with an ex familiarity an all that. And believed DP excuse that it was a drunken mistake.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:35

By believing him you've simply given him carte blanche to do what he likes. He's taking you for a fool.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:36

How should I reply to his email.?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:37

'I'm glad you were ALONE.... Let's keep it that way. Don't bother coming home' ?

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:38

How should I reply to his email

Dear X

Your personal belongings will be available for collection from the front lawn at 6pm on Friday.

Regards

AllIsNotRosey

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:39

If travelling is something he does regularly as part of his job you cannot afford to have anything other than 100% trust. The kind of man that takes great delight in telling you that other women have propositioned him - especially knowing what has happened in the past - is a knob. Has no respect for your feelings.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:39

Is he not telling me he is alone to make me feel better.? And about the propositions so that I know he had chances and turned them down.

Back to my question do women only make propositions if the man is giving them the come on.? I think that maybe some do, but not more than one woman in the same evening. He is not drop dead georgous by the way.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/01/2013 12:40

Sometimes cheating guys send cryptic 'true' messages like 'I will be alone' because they feel like they can then say they were not technically lying. i.e. 'I will be alone once this bird gets her knickers back on and goes to her own room Sorry - just saying that's the kind of thing my ex used to say sometimes as though he could some how get off on a techincality.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:43

Thank you for all your replies. This is my first relationship in a long long time. I was unsure if it was a red flag or me overacting.

Now I know.. :-(

OP posts:
Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:45

No need to be sad, All. Be happy that you ditched the lying bastard.

Have you got some friends you can go out with over the weekend to cheer yourself up?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:45

"Back to my question do women only make propositions if the man is giving them the come on.? "

No. But a man who is 'up for it' and very vain into the bargain will take any kind of female contact whatsoever and treat it as a proposition. "I could tell she fancied me... she was looking in my direction" etc.

Practicingtwinkletwinkle · 17/01/2013 12:45

Even with the correct wording, I think that the emIl is a bit strange, to say the least...
The question is not so much whether he has actually cheated on you on this occasion, but rather if you want to be treated like that by the person who is supposed to be closest to you.
Even if he hasn't slept with another woman, it sounds as if he wants to make you feel insecure by suggesting that he is such a good catch that women are lusting after him right, left and centre. He doesn't sound like a nice, caring, loving, and confident person.

I personally wouldn't want to waste my time and feelings for someone like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 12:46

"I know he had chances and turned them down. "

It's back to vanity but it's also giving you a message.... 'better treat me right because there are plenty of others would like a shot at me'. Knob.

PeppermintPasty · 17/01/2013 12:47

Without doubt a massive red flag, he is taking the piss and it sounds like he thinks he's clever enough to have taken you in with what he wrote...How long have you been together, any children? How do you feel about the strong possibility that he is cheating/will cheat on you again?

And to answer your question-of course women do proposition men, even without a come on. I have done so in my time. That is, I had a few one night stands in the dim and distant, instigated by me half the time, and half by them I would say...

PeppermintPasty · 17/01/2013 12:50

"Them", er ahem, not all all of them at the same time of course...Grin

shallweshop · 17/01/2013 12:50

Do you not think it would be a good idea to talk to him face to face about it before just packing his bags! Maybe the text was his clumsy, pissed way of reassuring you? I can understand how it has had the opposite effect but think you need to talk it over.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:52

not all all of them at the same time of course

How disappointing Peppermint. Grin

perceptionreality · 17/01/2013 12:53

Well, obviously in the past he has proven that he's a cheat anyway. But men who boast to their wife/girlfriend about other women after them after often insecure and feel the need to get one over on you in the relationship. Which is the reason men like this cheat imo - to prove how desirable they are. It's pathetic.

JammySplodger · 17/01/2013 12:53

Either

a) he's e-mailing you to allay his own guilt, or
b) he's trying to reassure you and making a right hash of it.

Either way, while he's working away you're always going to have trust issues, as he's already messed up once and really isn't doing enough to prevent it happening again. He's still getting drunk till 2am in situations where he could end up in bed with someone, and as for the propositioning - it takes two to tango.

I've worked away and it's perfectly easy to remove yourself from those situations, however much of an ego-trip it might be to have someone else find you attractive.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 12:53

Do you not think it would be a good idea to talk to him face to face about it before just packing his bags

In a word no shall, for this reason alone, never mind the latest episode:

Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology

meditrina · 17/01/2013 12:54

People sometimes do have a one-night stand on business trips. Those for whom it was a terrible mistake and who might be worth staying with, are those who are horrified by what they have done, are truly contrite, who make every effort to restore the marriage and work on their own flaws to become a better partner.

Doesn't sound like him, does it?