Is this a red flag.?

[AllIsNotRosey]

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

I'm thinking of facebooking his ex to find out if it really was just a drunken one night stand..? More ammunition.?

Or would that mean that I'm still too much into him.?

But then again she owes me nothing and could just lie..?

Don't do it!

How you feel now is enough. You don't need more ammunition.

Dragging her into it won't help anyone, espacially you.

Does it matter if it was or not? I mean the other stuff, 'testing' you, not apologising, wanting to paint you as crazy paranoid girlfriend, playing all these mind games etc.

SURELY, THIS IS ENOUGH?

Can only say what I would do. I'd dump him, quickly and with as little conversation as possible.

But sounds like you think it might be worth staying if only you can make it all add up.

Rosey don't contact the ex. You're right, she owes you nothing and you can't rely on what she will say, if she replies at all. If you want to do it so that you can bring it up when you talk to your DP, then all you're doing is giving him ammunition: eg., "nah, we never actually did it - I was just testing you" or "I was testing you - you're paranoid, you're crazy" etc etc. The words you've already heard him say will be said again.

You've rumbled his little power game. He wants to have the upper hand in the relationship and he's going to be surprised by you catching on to him. He will probably do a lot of back pedalling to try to win you over again. If you let him talk you around, you will almost certainly have this exact same situation again in about 4 months time, if not before.

Just keep repeating to yourself "I deserve more than this. I deserve respect, genuine affection and an equal relationship". Because you do.

I would not engage in a long conversation with this guy when you break it off, if you feel you must do it face to face, as he's a persuasive & manipulative man. Just walk in, say your piece and go, don't give him the chance to make you second-guess yourself.

You have lots of good reasons to end this.

1. He cheated on you.
2. He wasn't even sorry about it.
3. He told you as a test. A test?! To see how much you love him? - no, to see how much you'll put up with. Even if it was the former, it makes him an EA prick.
4. He claims you're paranoid & hard work. This is to make you feel bad and doubt your self.
5. He wants you insecure - that's why he claims women are propositioning him. I don't believe there's any other reason for him saying it. It's to make him look a 'catch' and to keep you on your toes.

I could go on. Keep thinking about the deep lows in this relationship, the fact that he's 50-odd and hugely unlikely to reset his thinking, and the fact you deserve better than a cheating, manipulative dirtbag.

Hello Rosey,

I hope you're not feeling too buffeted and bewildered by everything today. I agree with most other posters that you seem to have been convincing yourself that this is a decent relationship when actually it just makes you feel stressed and insecure - nasty feelings which are very debilitating. . You might realise that a load has been lifted if things do come to an end.

I was interested by your comment further up that although you have stuff round at his house, he doesn't have any stuff at yours. To me, that could be another red flag -ie, it doesn't sound like someone who is fully emotionally committed to a relationship - but am I being unfair and he's actually being sensitive to your DCs in not leaving things around? Surely, though, you've been together long enough for that not to be a problem? I hope he at least leaves a toothbrush there!

You can't trust him.

What's the use of a relationship with him?

The fact that he has none of his things at yours yet you have a few things at his sort of says to me that you have invested more in the relationship than him.

After this length of time I would have SOMETHING there if just for convenience. He sounds like he normally keeps people at arms length.

Sorry OP. Stay safe.

He does have stuff here but nothing major. Pair of jeans that I bought, t shirt, and of course a toothbrush. All things he can do without.

I will get my stuff from his today. Before he's back tomorrow. Shoes and two of my favriote dresses. The rest he can bin.

I'm not gonna message his ex as like it's been said above there is no point in that. I know enough, I don't need to know more. Unless he says it didn't happen. Only then will I ask her maybe maybe maybe.

I cried in my sleep, that could have been the wine on an empty stomach tho.

Feel sick with fear today that I won't be strong enough and that his BS will be ever so convincing. That what we have is special.

The good times were very good.
I have not spoke to anyone in RL. Everyone likes him and tell me he adores me. His family say they have never seen him so happy etc.

This is going to be hard.!

The good times weren't real because the whole thing was built on a lie.

It is irrelevant whether everyone likes him. They don't know the real him, do they? The lying, cheating, unfaithful him. The one who would abandon his children and wife at Christmas to spend a bit of time with the OW. What's to like about that?

Also, I guess he is bloody happy. Wife at home servicing his domestic needs, bringing up his children, probably providing sex on a regular basis, someone to chat to while watching the tv etc etc. Plus OW on the side to provide the extras.

Abandon his wife at Christmas to spend time with OW..?

Was that post ment for me..? I don't think so.? I have not mentioned Christmas.

We prepared the turkey together Christmas eve at his place. He popped it in the oven on Christmas day. While I was at ex mother in laws house with all that side of the family with my kids present opening etc.

After that TOGETHER me and DP finished off cooking Christmas dinner. Which was enjoyed by us both and all our children together.

Ex wife spent Christmas with her new DP who she lives with and has done for years. They had had christmas dinner with their mother on christmas eve it their tradition and then christmas breakfast at hers present opening. Bringing presents home with them from her to him. Nobody was bloody abandoned.!

Christmas was magical btw.

Rosey I'm really sorry, I posted on the wrong thread. It definitely wasn't intended for you.

Agatha he's been divorced for more than ten years. He kept his bloody kids after the dirorce, they chose to live with him. And that doesn't happen everyday now does it..? He is a flirt and sometimes a bastard but he is a great father..!!! My kids love him..!!! They will miss him if/when this end/falls apart after are soon to be little chat.

Ex wife lives with another man...

Sorry Rosey. I'm not sure how I managed to get your thread so mixed up with another I was reading.

Oh thank God for that Agatha. I had steam coming out of my ears. He may be a lying ratbag, twating, cheating, cunting, fucking, bastard. But he is a great dad and a great provider to his ex and his kids.

Appologise for my fithy language.

I'm stressed, tired and anxious.

Agatha, I really do hope that you were not abandoned at Christmas.

Rosey why don't you give a friend a call, someone who can help you keep your resolve and maybe catch you if you're a bit wobbly after you meet with him?

And good idea to pop round and get your stuff before he's back - can you drop his toothbrush back too?

I feel very . I've never done that before. I feel so bad for you that I did it on such a sensitive thread too.

Oh and make sure you eat something - it will hep you stay strong. I find chocolate cake works well.

Hope all's okay Agatha.

No never been abandoned at Xmas.

Ha ha with the toothbrush.. That's mean

All is fine Jammy. It would just appear that I don't know my arse from my elbow, threadwise!

Agatha don't be .

I'm glad you were not abandoned at Christmas as that would be truly awful. And you are so right in saying what you did to the other OP that was.. IYKWIM.

You're not the first Agatha, I posted about zombies on a thread about Victoria sponges once, strangely wasn't as out of place as you'd expect.