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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag.?

201 replies

AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:25

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 06:44

Oh my God..!

I've done it.. Email sent.

I wrote a very long email last night. Slept on it. Woke this morning to find that not only did I not need half of it but just 4 or 5 lines. No violins, no roses, straight to the point. Ending with "its over"

I'm shaking now, but I know I have done the right thing. I really have, I really have done the right thing. I really really have done the right thing.

I hope that he is too proud to reply and thats the end of it. Phew.!!!

OP posts:
AgathaF · 21/01/2013 07:38

You have done the right thing.

Even if he replies, you don't have to answer.

Hope you're ok.

CabbageLeaves · 21/01/2013 08:19

Good for you.. Sleeping on it and heavy editing is the thing. You don't need lots of details to evidence your feelings, apologise, explain... Here's how it is. Goodbye

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/01/2013 08:58

Well done Grin

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 09:21

Thank you all. 3 hours have passed and no reply.

I'm going out now, and I don't have an iPhone. A good way to stop me checking my inbox.

I know what I did had to be done. Bad form to do it by email. But face to face wouldnt have worked. ( he has the most gorgeous eyes )

I said in the email that I deserved better. This alone will have him spitting feathers.

OP posts:
MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 21/01/2013 09:47

Good for you and the fact is, you do deserve better!

JammySplodger · 21/01/2013 10:26

Brilliant, well done! You're right, you do deserve better, a lovely relationship without the shit bits :)

Chaoscarriesonagain · 21/01/2013 10:29

Well done!!!!

AnonAndOnAndOn · 21/01/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 21/01/2013 10:57

This is one of the best threads I've read in ages!

I think your whole approach of not acting in the heat of the moment, cooling off, sleeping on your email and re-reading and editing right down to a few succinct lines before sending shows outstanding class and dignity. You should be amazingly proud of yourself.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/01/2013 11:22

You do sound strong!

Good luck with the removal of this cheating lying scumbag from your life.

Lueji · 21/01/2013 11:31

TBH, I think he deserved it by e-mail.

As he did with you and the comments about women throwing themselves at him.

Well done. :)

Incapinka · 21/01/2013 11:51

Well done. I'm another who has just read the whole thread and done a little cheer. Well done for sleeping on the email before sending. Sounds as though you are in a good strong place to deal with whatever he comes back with. Whatever happens just make sure you look after yourself, stay strong and do what works for you on your terms. Good luck Smile

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 14:32

I have my reply 5 hour later Sad

He said he has no remorse as my accusations have no base whatsoever. He says he never cheated. He was the one who told me to my face that he had a drunken one night stand with his ex. He watched me cry.....

He says that he will abide by my decision as this is what I want.

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 21/01/2013 14:38

Excellent, glad to hear this. How do you feel now op? Do you still have the desire for him to know and understand it all?

Or is there relief now that it's done and you can stop being kept on your toes, put your feet up and enjoy looking out for yourself? I do hope so.

Life is too short to be putting up with all this head-fuckery!

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 14:41

My email to him was something along the lines of this.. Thank you ChinUpChestOut

OP posts:
Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 14:42

Don't get involved in a long conversation where he can deny things, pretend he's sent loving texts etc. When he does get back, just tell him calmly "It's not working, I'm not happy and I know now that you cheating last year eroded my trust in you. This last business trip made me realise that you're not going to change and I don't want to be part of this. I deserve so much more than this. " End of.

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 21/01/2013 14:43

He is a first class knobber by the sounds of it Rosey. You might have had a lucky escpe from this one Sad

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 14:54

ScarletWomanOfTheVillage, You are right him denying he cheated after he told me to my face is big head-fuckery

I'm glad am out but still very sad at his coldness.

I don't want ever to see him again. I will never take another call or email. He can burn my dresses.!

I'm back to that stage again, wanting to book face his ex girlfriend. Even if she were to say they didn't the fact that in the cold day of light he made it all up. Is probably worse anyhow.? So I don't need to know. Do I.? Or do I.?

Sorry I'm talking out loud. His reply is very much not what I expected.

Wow the games some people play.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 21/01/2013 15:08

No, don't do it, lovely. You've said what needs to be said, and done what needs to be done. Don't let his actions have any more impact on you, walk away now.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 21/01/2013 15:19

I know TeeBee but it's hard..!

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 21/01/2013 15:22

He's lied to you and arsed you about. Life's too short to waste on this time-consuming, misery-inducing fuckwittery. Stay strong, well done.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 21/01/2013 15:39

Either way he's a big fat liar, so what does it matter.

My guess is he'll be waiting for you to get back to him and if you continue to ignore, you'll hear from him again in about..... hmmm... 2 weeks.

AnonAndOnAndOn · 21/01/2013 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JammySplodger · 21/01/2013 16:35

He really does sound like a prize wanker to be honest. To say he has no remorse sounds like he really has no genuine feelings for you at all.

Have a good cry if you need to, shout at swear about him if you need to, but stay strong and remember you are worth someone caring about you. Properly caring about you, not just stringing you along and fucking with your head.

I think you're right to not see him. Block him and his ex on FB (along with writing You Bastard letters it's also very theraputic), and ignore e-mails and phone calls, even if he does suddenly start saying how he misses you and is sorry. It'll just be bollocks.