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Original poster

Is this a red flag.?

201 replies

AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 12:25

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

OP posts:
AngryTrees · 17/01/2013 12:55

Even if he wasn't cheating, I would think he is telling you about the women coming on to him as some sort of attempt to make you jealous or insecure. At the very least it shows an incredible lack of sensitivity. Dump, a partner is meant to be so much more than this.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears · 17/01/2013 13:05

This doesn't sound fun to me. He cheated and said 'these things happen'. Didn't even feel remorseful. He works away and knocks your trust rather than building it.

I would end it. I wouldn't give a major reason, just vague 'this isn't right for me' type stuff.

Then be peacefully alone or find someone who makes you feel valued.

Sorry, but he sounds like a prat.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 13:07

Thank you for all your swift replies.

It could be that he was trying to reassure me, letting me know that he would be alone or as he put it ALONE. Im now thinking LYING BASTARD.!!!

But let's say he is not lying, why the need to tell me about the other women.
Surely not to make me feel better as he would know that I would think he had been flirting. One woman maybe but more than one, it sounds to me like he was on the pull.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 17/01/2013 13:13

Following on from this thread (out till 2am on a business trip) and the Reasons not to have an affair thread (6 bottles of wine with a colleague), I'm happy to be seen as the boring fart on business trips who goes to her hotel room early with a book.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 13:14

We don't live together. He has asked me to move in with him recently. I said we will see. As it's a big move with 2 kids mine 10 and 14 his grown up and left home.

We have been seeing each other most nights for a year and a half.

When he makes me happy, I'm very happy and feel very loved. But more so now I feel hurt by him.

I have enjoyed him, but the downs are hard.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 13:15

He will tell you that all of things he sent were to make you feel reassured, special and to fill you with confidence that - even under extreme pressure to screw around - he resisted manfully ..... because he prefers you. He will have a reason for everything.

If this was a man who was 100% faithful and respectful you might just believe him. But a tosser like this?.... Q. How do you know when he's pulling the wool over your eyes? A. His lips are moving....

JammySplodger · 17/01/2013 13:16

Maybe it was a drunken misguided attemp at reassuring you that he could have got laid but was good and resisted.

The fact that he's flirting enough to be propositioned (if that's actually what happened) would be too much for me.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 17/01/2013 13:17

Trust your instincts. Not saying kick him out but be wary

Looksgoodingravy · 17/01/2013 13:19

To me this sounds like his way of trying to be reassuring and not doing a very good job of it.

How has he been since last year? Was he completely honest about what happened?

The problem is trusting again.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 13:24

I'm not going to reply to his email or commit to anything either way just yet.

I will wait to see his next email. To see if it lands him more in the shit or if he can crawl out of it.

Also I will not answer his calls as I would prefer to read his words giving me time to digest and then act on them.

I am glad that you all think the same as I did tho, and not that I'm being unjustly jealous or insecure.

Even though the out come will be a dark one. I'm glad to know that my bullshit radar sort of still works.

OP posts:
Lueji · 17/01/2013 13:24

Even the telling you about the cheating is dodgy.
Why did he tell you?
Was he concerned about STIs?

Otherwise the whole thing sounds more to me as intent on making you jealous, or on your toes.

Not good.

ShephardsDelight · 17/01/2013 13:26

I would never have taken him back the first time, but you can't turn back time and hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say.
I would message him back saying basically saying what you have said on here, that you feel he is lying and want to separate, it easier to break up when he is away rather than at home.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 13:26

For god's sake don't even consider moving your kids in with this dickhead.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 13:28

He knows how much last years drunken one night stand hurt me.

So the fact that like Jammy said above--that he's out drunk at that time and flirting enough to be propositioned by more than one woman. It enough to piss my right off and run for the hills.

OP posts:
Allaquandry · 17/01/2013 13:29

I also read it as a drunken attempt at reassurance, given his previous history.

Lets say your op had said he didn't call you all night, which he normally does, and he has previous form. Everyone would still be saying 'he's shagging round, ditch the bastard'. He'll argue he can't win, whatever he does.

Being propositioned in hotels/bars can be pretty much standard in some cities/countries (I have seen it myself when I'm on business with colleagues) but not common in UK (although colleagues themselves may get drunk enough to try it on).

Fact he mentioned it means either he's an arrogant prick, or was drunk and trying to be honest or trying to cover up something. Till you speak to him you won't know (and we certainly don't know either).

FWIW lack of apology last time would have been a deal breaker and I think regardless of last night that he's just not that into you or doesn't know how respect works in relationships.

JammySplodger · 17/01/2013 13:35

I agree with numberlock too - don't move in with him, committing to that with a starting point of insecurity and lack of trust would be disasterous. And if you stay with him, I'd bet my last chocolate bar that you'll feel on edge everytime he goes away.

AngryTrees · 17/01/2013 13:35

Have just reread your first post. He never even said sorry for cheating on you? Because I would take that into account when looking at his motivation for these messages. To me it just seems like he's a man who hasn't shown much remorse but expects a pat on the head for not shagging someone when he has the opportunity.

Original poster
AllIsNotRosey · 17/01/2013 13:42

He's in the uk. No femail colleagues on this trip.

I asked him about the ex thing weeks after his return from that business trip during a row. He said yes it ment nothing.

I would never have found out, he would have be off scot free. Days later I asked him why he told me. He said he was testing me.?

OP posts:
Pozzled · 17/01/2013 13:48

Definitely a red flag to me. Not so much 'being propositioned' because it's hard to say what he means by that. He could have interpreted something very minor as a proposition. But the fact that he saw it that way, with more than one woman, and felt it was a big enough thing to share makes me think that he's not taking your relationship seriously.

I joke that if someone tried to proposition my DH, he'd blindly sit there chattering about me and our DDs. He would not allow anyone to flirt with him and would be incredibly embarrassed at the idea. He wouldn't boast about it. To my mind, if you're happy in a relationship, you don't want or encourage that kind of attention from the opposite sex.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 13:48

No femail colleagues on this trip

... or rather, you mean he's told you there are no female colleagues? That's irrelevant anyway, he already he told you several women 'came on' to him last night so he's obviously not on a business trip in a monastery...

He said he was testing me?

The more you tell us about this twat, the more of a tosser you make him sound.

Why the reluctance to get rid?

Lueji · 17/01/2013 13:49

He said he was testing me.?

There's your red flag.

JammySplodger · 17/01/2013 13:49

To test you??? FFS! You get my first ever LTB!

And the fact that there are no female colleagues on this trip makes it worse in my opinion, he's chatting up strangers with no strings attached, outside of any work committments (i.e. making polite conversation, company and, at a stretch, a glass of wine over dinner).

Schnarkle · 17/01/2013 13:51

testing you? Tell him to fuck off.

Oh and the reason I bet he told you he was alone, was because he had tried and most likely failed in the hotel bar to get some unsuspecting soul back to his room. So yes alone, but if things had worked out, not alone. Tosser.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 13:54

With everyone else... 'testing you?'.... Shock What is he the Examiner? Pass or fail? Knob...

GirlOutNumbered · 17/01/2013 13:55

As far as I can see. You either trust him and therefore should just assume he was saying he was alone as he missed you..
OR you don't trust him. In which case what the hell are you doing anyway. Time to go.