Is this a red flag.?

[AllIsNotRosey]

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

you poor thing. You have been very brave - I do know that feeling of the highs and lows, and that slightly sick feeling.... Try to keep busy and don't dwell too much - make a list of all the stuff that upset you and how it made you feel - so you can read it when you feel wobbly and miss him ... onwards and upwards x

What a wanker . I am surprised at his reply to your email as expected him to come back with either reassurance or denial or something to show that he had feelings for you... Although saying that my ex showed no emotion and then it all came pouring out about a week later so be prepared that his reaction may change and by then be full of all sorts of bullshit and empty promises. So as hard as it is remember how insecure and crappy he has made you feel as when they start promising the world it is very easy to place hope and believe in them. You are doing a fab job so look after yourself and keep strong.

It sounds to me like he is trying to make you jealous. Why did he feel the need to tell you that other women had propositioned you?

No that is not the normal reaction of someone who loves and someone who doesn't want to lose you, that's way I feel so bad.!

Incapinka thanks for the heads up.

I'm feeling very angry now..! Not that I will do anything in anger, I just feel that way.

His behaviour is a reflection of who he is NOT who you are. Remember that. It's tough breaking up but compromising for a untrustworthy relationship is not worth it

You feel angry. Good! It's now clear that he deliberately tried to make you insecure and is prepared to gaslight you (say black is white) so as to keep you doubting yourself while bigging himself up. He's a tosser - and I'm so proud of you for being true to yourself and rejecting his shit!

People like him trade on the good will of good people to get the upper hand. Like it or not, that is a definition of abuse and it's despicable. Too right, you feel angry!

Stick pins in a effigy of him, and move on Good people deserve good treatment.

how are you Rosey ?

I am ashamed to say it but I feel heartbroken..!! It's like my heart is overpowering my logic.

I was madly in love with him. I adored him.

Someone said up thread that when the penny drops he could come back begging. I hope that is not going to be any day soon as I really don't feel strong enough.

We had great passion like I have never before known. He did tell me many times/most days that he loved me. But his actions lately are telling another story.

I need to forget him. But it's not easy. Knowing he is just a short drive away is driving me crazy.

Knowing that he will never Change. And living with that side of him, well that too would be a living hell.

Time they say is a great healer. I would just like to feel normal again. I will get there eventually I just need to be STRONG..!!

Don't be ashamed Rosey. its not your fault - you have done nothing wrong. You have just realised that he is what he is, and that you cannot live with that. (I couldn't live with it either) and so you have acted to protect yourself from the awful roller coaster ride that you were on.

It must hurt, but YOU coudnt have chaged it.

I think he MAY come back - and it is possible that he COULD understand what you are on about - and change for the better - BUT only if he thinks he HAS to or he will lose you for good. So hang on in there, be strong, don't contact him and make him think he has already blown it....

right now you have the upper hand - and you have nothing to lose - if he comes back different you win; and if he does not you have lost the sick rollercoaster and the contortions you were getting in to...

Try to keep busy and be very very gentle with yourself xxx

Thank you lemonstartree that makes sense.

I will NOT contact him..

I have to say I'm really impressed by your reasoning and your value of you...your self worth. Too many people settle for something which makes them unhappy, because they are not brave enough to walk away with the immediate consequence of mourning a relationship you had hopes for.

exactly what you deserve, OP. Love, tenderness and respect.

:)

You deserve to get back at least as much as you offer, yes?

Unfortunately it's usual for an affair with an abuser to feel special, intense and powerful. This is not only because your emotions have been deliberately manipulated by them, but also because the rollercoaster is an adrenalin cycle. You get hooked on the surge of excitement ... fear! ... and life feels oddly flat when you get off. Don't worry, your sense of balance will come back soon enough.

You might want to look up some articles on traumatic bonding, Rosie.

Even though your head knows he treated you badly, you are still allowed to grieve for a relationship you put so much of your heart and hopes into. There's nothing to be ashamed of there.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Today is a better day.

I have booked an appointment with my hairdresser this afternoon. For a cut, highlights and a blown dry. I have not seen her for such a long time and the last time I was there she did say my highlights needed doing. He asked me back then to email him a photo of my hair cut and his reply was that next time he would cut it as he would make a much better job. Btw he is not a hairdresser, just a cheeky twat..!!

Same with makeup I didn't used to wear a lot just some bare minerals to look fresher. In the early days he used to see me putting it on and say that I didn't need it, he disliked the look of women all made up. So I stopped the make up and just used a slither of lip gloss now and again.

After that " why do you have to paint your nails is it because you dont paint your face, natural is best " so I stopped having manicures too " Today you will all be pleased to know that my nails are bright pink and I plan to buy some sparkly top coat when I'm out later.

I have a dress on today with boots but very soon my heels will be getting a dusting and I may even wear them. Not just yet but one day soon.

Thanks to MN and it's links about EA, GASLIGHTING, TRAUMATIC BONDING thanks Garlicblocks. Im begining to see things in a different light.

None of you messages above have been in vain, but all taken very much into consideration, each and everyone of you, I thank you for your time taken to reply and I'm NOT GOING BACK...!!! Yesterday was just a wobble and tomorrow is one day closer to being the woman I used to be.

Well done.

It might seem minor or about preferences, those comments about your appearance, but it was him moulding you and taking away your independence. All about him knowing what's best for you, seeing how far you'd bend, making you feel you were vain or wrong about what suits you.

Lots of little chips out of your confidence.

Keep strong.

Onwards and upwards

Bet your new haircut and highlights will look fab.

Rosey, I have this thread on my watch list and all the replies are so comforting to me too. It's exactly the replies I would have hoped to received had I posted my own thread.

You will start to feel better (4 weeks no contact for me). I have gone over it all in my head constantly and am starting to congratulate myself for not accepting head fuckery from my last man. It does start to feel liberating amongst the lonely and longing in time. I still have a fair way to go but baby steps it is.

Yeay for bright pink nail varnish! And a haircut and general pampering yourself sounds just the ticket to get you back on track too :)

How's your hair? :)

Scrazy I'm sorry that you are going through a similar thing. Well done for being strong enough to hold back with contact. I know just how hard it is, last night I only just resisted calling him by the skin of my teeth.

My hair is fab really blonde and very short. Went from shoulder length to short and the colour is always blondish it just needed brightening up.

So great to hear you're looking even more gorgeous with your new hair, Rosey! Well done, you :)

Well done on not contacting FW, too! New year, new hair, new freedom & self-fulfilment - how exciting!! Go you

Well done for resisting the urge to call him!

Someone reckoned he's be in touch again in two weeks, he'll just be waiting for you to buckle in the meantime and be the one running back. Glad that's not happenning!

Any time you want to call him, can you call an old friend or do something you've been neglecting while you've been with him?