Is this a red flag.?

[AllIsNotRosey]

DP is away on a business trip. I didn't hear from him at the usual time, just before dinner.

I went to bed still not hearing from him. I didn't call to say goodnight as I didn't know if he was busy with clients, and the brush off I get if he is I don't like.

I woke to an email that he had sent at 2am. Telling me goodnight and that he was ALONE. Alarm bells rang, as why would he feel the need to point that out at that time in the morning.

He then went on to say that during the evening he had been propositioned by women more than once.

I'm I right in thinking that women don't just proposition a man unless he is giving them the big come on.?

I'm I right to be upset by his email.? Or am I just being insecure and jealous for no reason.

By his text he'd had too much corporate wine, without a doubt.!

He has form. Last year getting pissed and doing the business on a works trip. He did tell me about this but without an apology. Just I was drunk it just happened. Not everything is black and white etc. But no sorry.

I've not replied to his email or answered his call this morning. As I don't know if I'm right or wrong in thinking something fishy is going on.

He has another 2 nights away. Part of me wants to wish him better luck for tonight. The other part of me want to just bite my own tounge and send a nice reply without a mention of last nights email.

Please tell me is this a red flag or I'm I overreacting because of his history and how insecure he makes me feel.?

Agatha and Jammy your both making me

Good, everyone deserves to smile, now go and eat some chocolate cake something healthy and nutritious to keep you thinking clearly!

Or some victoria sponge. But don't eat a zombie....

Rosey - at least if you've seen the other thread you will understand my post.

Flights from London have been cancelled today.

I hope that the fog is not still around tomorrow and his flight doesn't get cancelled.

I want to get the chat outta the way. Only then I think I would be able to eat chocolate cake. Cat an hot bricks is how I feel, no appetite for food. I did try tho.

Anyone know if flights will be taking off tomorrow or is it too early to tell.?

No idea about the flights I'm afraid, hope you don't have to wait long.

Is there someone you can ask round to chat about it all - you might find that speaking out loud (as opposed to typing it out) will help you get it straight in your head, and you won't be on edge till he comes back.

It might also help you say it clearly and concisely to him when you meet and be able to anticipate what his replies will be. Plus if you can put across your reasons, as you've done nice and clearly on here, you won't feel everyone in RL thinks you're bonkers for giving up a 'good' bloke.

Thanks Jammy I'm really not yet ready for the RL chat with anyone just yet.

It's far more easy to type it all out one here as I have done so over the past two days

If after my chat with him and if it all does go very tits up and I get no promises of a huge change in how he treats me. Then I will walk and just play it down to everyone in RL. And not bad mouth him. I'm busy with work and the kids, he's busy traveling a lot bla bla bla I have that covered.

I have been a family friend for years, they are nice people and calling him in RL would not do me any favours.

This is my first boyfriend in 8 long years. I did during a bit of that time have a much younger FWB. I have enjoyed the partnership side of things far too much and put up with a lot as I didn't ever want it to fail. The only boyfriend my kids have ever met. They will miss weekend at his place. He taught my youngest who has problems with balance how to ride a bike.. we have family bike rides and do "family" things. It's a long time since I could enjoy that whole family thing. And I liked that.

Oh fuck I'm crying again now. :-(

Ah Rosey. It's such a shame. I hope he gets home quickly so that at least you can talk about it. It must be horrible feeling in limbo with it.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person but do take care of yourself in all of this, especially of any promises he makes, he's unlikely to change his behaviour and everything in this points to you makig all the emotional committments and sacrifices.

Decide what you want to do and where you want to be and don't be afraid to be a bit assertive. I hope you can find someone to confide in in RL when you're ready but in the meantime we're all here for you.

How are you today Rosey?

He's back. He phoned me last night to see if I was going round to his. No mentions of propositions or me ignoring his emails. He sounded normal and happy.

I could hear his cousin in the background so I didn't think it was right to bring it up.

I didn't go round to his, I also said that I was busy today too. This is a big step for me, I'm normally waiting at his with a lovely candle lit welcome home dinner.

I've tried to voice it out in my head. Him being propositioned more than once during his trip, and me being upset that he told me. It just sounds lame out loud.

I know he will say something like " don't be silly, it was all just a bit of fun" you don't have to be so sensitive. You know I love you.

So with this in mind I'm keeping away and keeping busy. I have my appitite back and don't feel so sad, but more normal this morning.

Thanks for asking Jammy. You too sound like a lovely caring person.

OP regardless of his explanation of this trip, that text, your response, his meaning, what you thought, he thought etc etc etc ...this situation is bad for you.

You will never get to the bottom of what actually went on, trust will always be an issue. This sort of relationship erodes your self esteem and sucks confidences and happiness from you.

It matters not what he did or didn't do.

What matters is how you feel. That is more important than anything. You feel shit and stressed.

Glad you're feeling a bit better and able to stand your ground, even if that's a small step like not rushing round when he's back.

If he really did think 'it's just a bit of fun' and would disreagard your feeling so freely then he really doesn't care for you like he should. No one should have fun at someone elses expense.

Keep saying how you feel out loud if that helps, maybe in front of the mirror. Glad you've got your appetite back too :)

Another (small) red flag - he is rude to you if you phone when he is with a client? That is not necessary - it is easy to tell someone politely and affectionately that you can't speak now.

I now realise I hadn't read last page when I posted but it still kind of works

Rosey I'm really appreciative of your situation. DP has been a better 'father' to my DD than her own father. He's done so much for her and been the best thing in my life since my divorce. Gnawing away at me is the feeling that this relationship may not be as right as I think it is. I feel my chest tighten as I think about it. My DD would be devastated and my family and friends would think I was nuts quite frankly...he is a lovely gentleman. But.

It may be my past situation causing me to lack trust. My DP has never given me any cause at all. Had he, like your DP, I'd walk (well I bloody hope I would!). It's very hard though isn't it. I do understand

He knows what the coldness is about. He knows he's upset you. He's avoiding confronting it because it would mean acknowledging he caused it. It's easier to wait for you to make a move then blame you.

You don't need to discuss details of the text. You just need to say I feel .... and I can't live like this. It's up to him whether he dismisses your feelings expecting you to bury them or recognises he needs to work at this. Then you will have your answer.

How are you Rosey?

I really don't think you need to meet him face to face. He hasn't treated you well so you don't owe him anything. Just phone him up and say while he was away you had time to think and he's not the man for you. There's not a lot he can say to that to change your mind.

I think it would help you to actually end it Rosey, then you can draw a line under it and move on. I agree that it doesn't need to be face to face but a clear statement does need to be made.

Thats so true cabbage, I thank you for your understanding.

I'm feeling good puds11. Nice relaxing Sunday at home with my DC. Cooking up a really lovely lunch with their help.

AKissIsNot that's what I have decided to do. No point in the face to face.

Numberlock I agree also with you. After lunch and a comedy family movie that me and the DC are planning to watch. I will then draft an email ready to send as a reply to whenever he next mails me.

My mind keeps on going over and over this email. So much so that I'm not really here. Once that is sent I hope that then I can switch that part of my thinking brain off.

Last night and this morning, after his "nice" phone call. I read through his last 18 months emails and text messages. I now have so much more to say than just the women throwing themselves at him and me not liking it. I'm seeing things through a different light. The Rose coloured specks are well and truly off. I have so many things to put into this email. That I know he will now realise that I am truly on to him and that i see him for what he really is. So much so that I don't think he will bother to reply.

I've been kept on my toes for far to long. I'm looking forward to getting off them, putting my feet up and making ME my number one priority..!!!

A big thanks to everyone for all your hand holding, understanding, help and advice. The cyber world can be a truly great place. I thank everyone who replied to my post from the bottom of my heart as without all of you I would be with him now. Listening to him inflate his own ego and feeling so very small and unworthy. NOT ANY MORE.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excellent!

Wow :) You sounded in a very good place this morning, very settled in your sense of who you are and what's important. It seems this gave you the confidence to re-read his emails from the viewpoint of a woman who knows she's worth respect, consideration & appreciation - and saw messages from a sad little player. You sure as hell don't need to be a pawn in anyone else's game! Congratulations, and enjoy shining your own light!!

Oh that's good news. I'm glad you're feeling stronger.

Sounds like it was a good idea to keep all those emails.

Well done and I'm glad you are feeling better.

If it will help you to get everything out then that's great. Perhaps you should block his email address straight afterwards so he can't contact you again.

IME of exposing an ex as a liar and abuser I would say it made things worse for me. In hindsight I wish I'd just told him I didn't want to be with him and nothing would change my mind as I think he would have left me alone sooner.

But do what is right for you, you sound much stronger than you did at the start of this thread :)

Thanks again.

For me I thinks it's right to point things out. That way he can know what it is he has done wrong. Maybe he has always been this way with women and none of them have exposed him. Me telling him gives him a chance to change for the next woman in his life. Maybe.?

AKissIsNot- I will also add that bit on the end that I don't want to be with him and that nothing will change my mind. But I also think he needs reasons why I came to that decision. I know I would want reasons after all this time.

I am hoping that this is the right way to do it, only time will tell. I guess.?

No ones pawn in anyone's game.. I like that.!

I'm glad you are feeling positive Rosey. I hope you and you DC's have a lovely day

Glad your day's going well, you sound much happier :)

When you write your e-mail (if you've not done it already) make sure you make it clear when you give him your reasons that it's things he's said or done that have been the cause. So 'you make me feel ...' rather than 'I feel...', and 'your cheating / disrespect for my feelings has lost my trust in you' rather than 'I don't trust you'. Does that make sense? Less easy for him to turn it round and say you're just being paranoid.

And if you want to (but don't have to) you can always draft it and then sleep on it before sending - sometimes it can be very theraputic to write it out but in the cold light of day you find you only really need to send half of it.