A Sex Question......

[moonblushtomato]

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

That would be fine for me..

How much housework does he do?

Research shows that men who do more housework, have more sex.

Just sayin'

Also how good is it when you have it?

It doesn't matter what the going rate is, it's how often you want to do it and how you want to do it that matters.

What is it with these blokes who coldly announce this? If you want sex then seduce your woman with the same stuff that you did when you first did it. Personality,humour,nights out or in and basic bloody techniques.

I agree with ledkr.

Men who make pronouncements like this think that once they are married the woman is there to service them sexually.

It's that mindset that needs acknowledging...not asking strangers on t'internet how often they have sex.

Humm. Some good points above..

If feel very turned off if dh discussed our lack of sex like choosing a school for the kids.
I'd be quite turned on if he arranged a night out or in, scrubbed up nicely and chatted easily to me showing interest in my life and paying me complements, reminiscing and making me laugh.

Hmm, I agree with ledkr too! Feel a lot more up for it after a nice meal/evening together.
fastidia it is very good when we have it but most of the time I feel so tired when it gets to bedtime!
anyf interesting point about DH's mindset and I never think of you as strangers! More, supportive virtual friends

once a week?
blimey - what a lucky chap

What has he done lately to make you "feel" loved and appreciated?

I tell you what OP if a man started moaning he wasn't getting enough like it should be "on tap" I wouldn't like to repeat what I'd say.

Think I know what my response will be next time I'm knackered and he 's all frisky!
He does make me feel loved and appreciated, I just don't want sex as much as I did pre DC! I now prefer sleep and/or cuddles.

Surely someone can tell their partner that they would like to have more sex without it meaning that they think their partner is only there to service them sexually?

So you're tired but he isn't?

Why isn't he tired?

If you're doing the same amount of work, you should be equally tired. So maybe he needs to do more so he's a bit more tired and you need to do less so you're not quite as tired.

And also agree with ledkr and AF re not expecting sex to be another domestic service.

OK, some people have higher libidos than others. It's not necessarily true that a man who would like to have more sex is a lazy, entitled, sexist tosspot though it usually is.

Once a week is pretty reasonable, though. Do you enjoy it when you do it? Or does it feel like 'Oh, saturday night, better open my legs so he doesn't sulk'?

If your libido has altered then it has, tell him to stop pressurising you.

Quote; AF Men who make pronouncements like this think that once they are married the woman is there to service them sexually.

Are you really making such a sweeping, sexist generalisation AF?

are you really such a wanker cron?

I think people are assuming there's some backstory to this on the basis that OP is sufficiently concerned by it to start a Relationships thread - which is probably correct - but I don't agree that there's anything fundamentally sinister about a man, or woman, attempting an honest dialogue with their partner about their sex life.

I agree, Amanda. Even though most of the time a woman wants less sex than her partner it's because he's not doing his share of domestic work - and this has the effect of turning sex into what feels to the woman like another chore she's expected to perform for his benefit - sometimes it's a case of hormonal issues, health, or something else.

And it isn't wrong to talk to your partner if you are unhappy, as long as 'talking' isn't 'bullying and blaming'.

Not sinister but a bit clinical and IMO going about tackling it practically would be more effective.

Yes, why are you tired and he isn't? Also sex does not have to be carved out of sleep time. It could be 3 hours on Sunday afternoon when he's taken the children to his mother's or whatever and given you a long lie in to 11am.

"men who" (behave in a certain way) and "all men" does not convey the same meaning, cronulla

I have said to DH before now that I would like us to have more sex; he has said he's too tired. Does this imply I think he's some kind of domestic sex appliance who's there to serve me sexually and/or that I don't pull my weight in the partnership?

Amanda - good point.

ClippedPhoenix - I'm a man. Do you want to casually call me a wanker too ? Don't even wait for any rational explanation of my point of view - just go for it !

Projecting your own situation onto someone else, making assumptions and then lashing out is, after all, the foundation of counselling.