A Sex Question......

[moonblushtomato]

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

< commits self to leave this thread alone as unhealthy amount of time spent on internet is now threatening health of marriage that was so keen to boast about.... >

I didn't mean literally stick around on this thread, I meant in general. You may leave any time you wish

Except immediately after asking a question!

AFD no indeed! We have disagreed but never unpleasantly. How could we when we are both so well mannered! I was referring to the fact that this thread seems to winding up more pleasantly than it began. Have a

Spoony, take a with you. See you around soon I hope!

< looks around thread in induced hazy pleasantness >

" 'does he help around the house enough'? As if for some reason that has anything to do with the amount of sex in a relationship"

a) I don't believe the OP was asked if he helps clean his own house, she was asked if he does his fair share. There's a world of difference there, the difference between the ownership of domestic work and the non-ownership, just helping-out-the-person-whose-job-it-really-is status of domestic work.

b) Actually every time there is research done about the relationship between sex and housework, results consistently show that the amount of sex men have with their partners is directly related to the amount of housework they do - the more domestic labour, the more sex.

Which shouldn't really be a big surprise to anyone. Someone who takes ownership of the domestic tasks and doesn't think his partner is a skivvy, probably has a bit of respect for her and therefore probably has a better relationship with her and therefore probably is more welcome in and around her body... really not rocket science.

It may not be rocket science but it's a load of bllx Fastidia... amount of sex related to amount of housework?! I know someone who does loads of housework but has hardly any sex... he doesn't do it because he has respect for her, he does it to keep busy so he doesn't have to spend any time with her

pennymixup, my grandmother smoked 20 cigarettes a day from about the age of 20 until about the age of 90 and she died when she was 98 with hardly a day's illness.

So I'll just dismiss all the research that has ever been done on smoking shall I, on the basis that I knew one old woman who bucked the trend?

Because that in effect is what you are doing with your argument based on one bloke. There have been several research studies done which shows that in general, men who do more domestic work have more sex. Not because they are being repaid for their labour, but because they have happier relationships.

FB i dont think you can compare years of research into the effects of smoking with some random research probably done on about 20 people.

However,it does make sense that men who do their fair share around the house would have more sex,as it takes the load off the woman (who usually is the one who does the lion share-or is it just me)which means she will have more energy for more interesting things!

Oh it's definitely true that men who do their share of domestic work are likely to have happier relationships. (Obviously it's not an absolute guarantee: there may be other factors that destroy a relationship. Total incompatibility would be one...) If a man doesn't do any domestic work and behaves as though it's his right to have it all done for him, and also his right to stick his dick in his wife, because she belongs to him, then the relationship is not only doomed but it's abusive.

Gosh, what a busy thread.

People should talk to each other more - which is what is sounds as if OP and DP have done.

Rape myths:
Rape Definition
includes
a defendant, A, is guilty of rape if:

_ A intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of B (the complainant) with his penis;

_ B does not consent to the penetration; and,

_ A does not reasonably believe that B consents

so some reasonable belief may be possible.

Both genders ask for more sex sometimes, both genders assault each other, and in case we forget both genders are sexual abusers

Oh please.

Genders schmenders.

Let's not pretend that sexual violence is a gender-free zone. Overwhelmingly men commit sexual violence against women, the other way round is an anthill against an Everest.

No amount of glossing over the gendered nature of sexual violence can alter the figures.

FastidiaBlueberry

Yada yada

Men beat women.
Apart from the 40% of women who beat men.

I'm one of the anthill, and it ain't nice. Devalue me much?

I agree it's the quality not quantity of sex that counts.

I've been with DP for 18 months - when we were first together we were at it every day, but now it's settled into once or twice a week and although I have a high sex drive, I'm more fulfilled now.

We usually have sex at the weekends, when we have the time and energy to spend hours over it. I've never been a fan of the "quickie". We're still as attracted to each other as ever.

DP is perfectly happy with this arrangement too - only the other day he said I probably have a slightly higher sex drive than he does, but he has a more demanding career than I do at the moment so I'm not surprised that sometimes he'd just rather cuddle up in bed and talk nonsense :-)

Once or twice a week is pretty frequent though.

Over 90% of victims of DV are women. Contextualising is not de-valuing.

90%? try 60% and falling.

That's DV.

Sexual assault - not seen figures for that...

Careful Chap,

One can't be sticking up for the rapist bastards, it's not the done thing here.

Fastidia's declaration that 90% of DV are women might have to be reconsidered in light of the example cited by Chap from a Guardian article.

One thing I won't do is stick up for rapists.
At all.

Consent is consent.
Not sure is without consent.
Being allowed to is without consent.

[Consent becomes more of an issue if you disallow groups of people agency for consent, but the underlying principle is clear].

oh dear cronulla

shit stirring fail

60% if you believe MRA stats.

I don't and neither does the home office (because it's run by a bunch of militant feminists. Oh, wait.)

But it's interesting to see what sources people use when they quote stats.

Shows where they're coming from.

Rape Crisis, Guardian and the Independent.

Yep, know what you mean.

"Data from Home Office statistical bulletins and the British Crime Survey show that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09, the last year for which figures are available. In 2006-07 men made up 43.4% of all those who had suffered partner abuse in the previous year, which rose to 45.5% in 2007-08 but fell to 37.7% in 2008-09.

Similar or slightly larger numbers of men were subjected to severe force in an incident with their partner, according to the same documents. The figure stood at 48.6% in 2006-07, 48.3% the next year and 37.5% in 2008-09, Home Office statistics show.

The 2008-09 bulletin states: "More than one in four women (28%) and around one in six men (16%) had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16. These figures are equivalent to an estimated 4.5 million female victims of domestic abuse and 2.6 million male victims."

In addition, "6% of women and 4% of men reported having experienced domestic abuse in the past year, equivalent to an estimated one million female victims of domestic abuse and 600,000 male victims".

Re-reading I see it was Parity who quoted the figures.

Since you're so sure these figures are wrong, do you have figures to hand for:
a) women offenders (some of whom will commiting DV to tother women)
b) male victims (some of whom are victims of other men)

I hope you're not pretending that Parity are anything like as reliable or respected as Rape Crisis.

The stats quoted by Women's Aid are accepted and reliable - The home office listens to them, not Parity and this is not because the HO is staffed by militant feminists.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220036&sectionTitle=Statistics

There's an explanation here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200360002&itemid=1371&itemTitle=How+reliable+are+domestic+violence+statistics%3F re whether to accept figures as being reliable or not.

If you click on the 2nd PDF, the figure that screams out regarding people subjected to 4+ attacks (IE not one-offs, "out of character" mistakes, self-defence, etc., but ongoing unambiguous violence), 89% are women and 11% are men. The reason WA uses this figure and the reason government agencies accept it, is because it is replicable, reliable and properly researched. Unlike the figures bandied about by MRA's, which are deeply shit tbh and any statistician who is just a neutral well-meaning mathematician will tell you that.

I simply cannot imagine why you want to argue that DV is not a gendered issue. It's like arguing that rape isn't a gendered issue. Just because it can (and does) happen to men, doesn't mean that makes it not gendered, anymore than arguing that racism isn't a race issue because sometimes black people are rude to white people. Why would you want to do that? What's the point of pretending that women are as violent as men, when time after time, research shows us that that is simply not true? I can understand that you feel very strongly that men being victims of DV should not be underplayed or denied and I agree with you; but pretending that women and men are equally likely to be perpetrators and victims, is just dishonest and doesn't help male victims of DV.