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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal ?

206 replies

Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:32

For him to tell me he's going to smother me ..
I do know it's not normal in a way but do people put up with it because it's 'their' normal and that's just how my life is?
Some people wil have non of this going on for them so to them it's a big NO that's wrong, others maybe it happens , there told he's going to kill them?
I have no idea if I'm making any sense ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:34

Am I just fussing for nothing, he's made these threats for years it's not new.

OP posts:
StellarforStar · 15/09/2012 21:34

No, it is not normal, even in a "jokey" context.

Are you ok?

bigbuttons · 15/09/2012 21:35

No, it's not normalSad

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:37

But do you think it is normal for some people ?

I'm tired of believing him.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/09/2012 21:39

Its normal for nobody.

Iswym about it becoming the norm. But that doesnt excuse it or make it acceptable.

AlistairSim · 15/09/2012 21:39

I can't imagine a context where that could be considered normal, op.
What else does he say to you?

pictish · 15/09/2012 21:41

Well my alarm bell is singing ding dong!

he's going to smother you? That sounds appalling!

More details please....who is told he's going to kill them? That part wasn't clear.

cashmere · 15/09/2012 21:42

No it's not normal.
It may be experienced by some people but is still not normal.
If you were no longer with him you would look back and be sure that it is not normal.

What has made you ask this question now? What has happened?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/09/2012 21:43

And it may be how your life is. But it is not how your life should be.

He could be arrested and charged for making threats to kill...

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:45

Going back over the last year he said I won't wake up if I go sleep, he said he'd end his life,
He's said I'll kill the lot of ya,
I think it's normal for me, and I'm not after making a fuss I was after a bit of reality I guess because it's like I have lost it iyswim x

OP posts:
StellarforStar · 15/09/2012 21:47

How many in the house? Do you have DC's?

You are not making a fuss at all.

cashmere · 15/09/2012 21:48

Who is the 'lot of you'?
What else is happening for you to feel your judgement has been clouded?
In what context is he saying these things?
How long has he been saying it?

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:49

I don't want to overdramatise this at all x
Just feel a bit serial somehow tonight I feel a bit lost in all this x

OP posts:
StellarforStar · 15/09/2012 21:56

WFTSTP, is this the same person from your previous thread?

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 21:57

Me and 5 dc

I really don't want to fuss, I just want to rest, there's so much I'm exhausted
We arnt at danger from him he's not in the house he's back at his tonight
Everything is fine I just needed a reality check

OP posts:
StellarforStar · 15/09/2012 22:03

:(

It is not normal.

The July situation was not normal.

You ar not making a fuss, over dramatising or clouded in judgement.

You're exhausted not only form having 5 DC's, but from the strain of dealing with his behaviour.

Please re-read your old thread.

Your home needs to be a safe place for your children, and for you.

cashmere · 15/09/2012 22:06

The thing is either

  1. He doesn't mean it and I'd trying to intimidate/upset you I'm the worst possible way.
Or
  1. One day he will mean it.

It's no wonder you feel tired and unable to think straight. You are not being dramatic at all. If anything you are down playing it. This might be as it is hard to comprehend your reality as it is now.

I can't imagine the kind of person who would say that about a child to upset their mother.

Have you managed to run this past anyone in real life? Might you feel able to do this?

You will see from the 'red flags' thread that my ex made vague references to 'if something happened to you' so what you are saying is not that shocking to me.

However, he was never as blatant and to me that is very worrying.

Away from that relationship and years later I can't believe I didn't challenge it at the time. However , as you have said you can lose track of what is 'normal'.

You'll also see on the 'red flag' thread that I always describe my current partner as 'normal'. This is as I am know able to recognise
how far from normal things were previously.

Does he drink?

cashmere · 15/09/2012 22:07

Now not know (always mix them!)

izzyizin · 15/09/2012 22:09

He wont kill himself and he wont kill the dc but if you keep engaging in these games with him, he's going kill you either by accident or design.

You've had so much help from so many different sources and you know damn well the other risks he poses to your dc, so wtf are you doing entertaining him?

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 22:18

Having nothing in the world but my dc
Having no one in rl
No family
No one
Never mixed never worked never had nothing izzy
Isolation speaks for it's self

It's a lonely world

OP posts:
cashmere · 15/09/2012 22:24

Well I guess your first step is to speak to someone real- woman's aid or Samaritans.
Do you ever go to children's centres? Maybe ask about some support.
Are your kids of ages to be under a Health Visitor? They would be a good source of support. They get a bad press but I work with some fantastic ones.

Then try and develop a couple friendships- maybe try netmums 'meet a mum' board.

Original poster
Waitingforthestormtopass · 15/09/2012 22:29

Thankyou I have had lots of help in past I had a children's centre worker but I can approach her again, yes I have a hv have 3 five and under.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 15/09/2012 22:29

It's not true to say you haven't got anyone in rl. You've got yourself and your dc and you had some good friends.

If they've gone from your life because of their utter despair at the way in which you've failed to put your dc first or consider your own safety by getting this abusive, controlling, violent twunt out of your life for good, you've got the social skills to make new friends.

Your world is as lonely as you make it, and while you're obsessed with him it will be a lonely place because he doesn't tolerate you having any social interaction with others.

What will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee? You have become the architect of your own misfortune and, in the process, you've shat on everyone who's tried to help you.

cashmere · 15/09/2012 22:38

I guess that's the crux of it. If you don't feel able to end things for you, as your self esteem is not where it should be. You need to find the strength to do it for your DC. They don't deserve this, nor can they change it.

This is hugely oversimplifying but maybe do the 2 lists thing.
1 listing positive things he brings to your life.
2 listing the negatives.

Then brainstorm what you'd need to do to remove him from your life.
Without knowing any details I expect this will take great resolve.
My ex made contact for 2 years without a single text/email/reply response from me in any way.
Mixed messages in the form of any response take you back to the beginning of the 'lose the abuser' game.

solidgoldbrass · 15/09/2012 22:44

It's not normal at all. Your posts suggest that this unpleasant person doesn't live with you, so simply lock the door against him, and send him a text or email telling him that he is not welcome in your home or in your life and if he doesn't fuck off you will call the police. It really, really is that easy.