Is this normal ?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

For him to tell me he's going to smother me ..
I do know it's not normal in a way but do people put up with it because it's 'their' normal and that's just how my life is?
Some people wil have non of this going on for them so to them it's a big NO that's wrong, others maybe it happens , there told he's going to kill them?
I have no idea if I'm making any sense ?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Feel so stuck really finding today hard x

[Offred]

do you want to talk about it?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I feel like I want him
I feel to like I'm not normal to fit in with normal people
I wanna run to what I know but I carnt do that,
I'm sick of fighting I want to be happy feel lonely and sick of crying today x

[NicknameTaken]

How about you let go of the drama for a bit?

Maybe your feelings should matter a bit less to you. Okay, you're miserable. Just get on with doing the right thing.

Your sexual longing - doesn't matter.
Your loneliness - doesn't matter.
Your fear for the future - doesn't matter.

You've got to be a robot for a bit. Do what you need to do for the sake of your dcs. You can and should deal with all those emotions at some point later on, but right now, that's a luxury you can't indulge in.

I'm not going to offer you comfort. Right now, it doesn't matter what you feel, it matters what you do.

[Offred]

You aren't normal but then no-one is because normal doesn't really exist. What you mean is that the wrongness of this relationship is unusual I think, that in your mind, which is under the influence of the wrongness, this unusualness makes the relationship and him a special and unique treasure. In your rational mind you know that it is sick and wrong and it is destroying you.

He won't make you happy, you can however one day make yourself happy if you can break free from him.

[Offred]

You are wrong nickname, it matters very much what she feels I think because manipulation of her emotions is how the abuse is maintained. In order to break free you need to get some control back over your mind and over your feelings first in order to actually manage the "being a robot" thing.

[Offred]

The first part I think is discovering an emotional and mental duality about your situation, then choosing to and learning to listen to your own voice instead of the abusers, then the robot stage where your mind becomes your own again and then a physical bid for practical control IYSWIM.

[garlicnutty]

I agree with Offred. I used to write myself letters (still do sometimes) and answer them. The idea was to make it like a thread on here, with the okay part of my mind answering an OP from the dysfunctional part. Having it written down helps, because when I'm all locked in 'not-okay' mode, I can see the good stuff I myself wrote ... and follow my own advice

There's nothing to stop you doing that here if it's easier, Waiting.

What do you need to do just now for your okay self? Get out of the house? Have a shower? Do an exercise video? I'm just guessing, you know what's good for the okay you today.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

nicknametaken I know exactly what you mean but I don't think it's that simple, I think my thoughts and feelings effect my action, effect what I do.

Nothings helping and I'm wondering why it's not, six months on.

I do the little things to be kind to myself do my nails etc,
Something's missing.

[garlicnutty]

Part of it is getting used to things just pootling on as normal, I think. Not so much drama. This happens when you stop drinking, as well, and you have done recently, haven't you?

I'll just remind you of something ... How much more TIME you get when you're not constantly being drunk, hungover, beaten up or frightened! All those things much through your time AND energy, leaving you with - ooh, in my case, five or six hours more per day!

Excellent time to learn something new, take up a hobby, start a mums' coffee club, join a gym ... er, not all at once.

[NicknameTaken]

garlic is right about the drama. I don't like the writing of Erin Pizzey that much, but she does talk about the difficulty of adjusting to lower levels of adrenalin. You can get addicted to the adrenalin of a violent relationship and it leaves a hole when it's gone. So maybe the new hobby should be sky-diving...

I don't want to minimize the situation, because it sounds like there is a lot still to do, and big steps needed to secure the safety of your dcs. I know some previous posters weren't impressed by my point about emotions and I'm willing to accept I might be out of my depth here. But I do think that feelings are an unreliable guide when you're trying to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship. For a while at least, you've got to be the master of your emotions, not their servant (and I do sort of see Offred and garlic's point: you do have to be enough in tune with those emotions to stop someone else being the master of them).

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

That makes sense about no drama, I wouldn't of put that into words like that but it's almost like you need to make one! There's no ups and downs of moods and getting away with him not noticing to him flipping, yeah it's very hard to get used to the calm, thanks for mentioning it.

Yeah arnt the days long when your sober! I hated it at first.

He's still got dd
I'll pretend its not happening.

[garlicnutty]

I'm cautious about suggesting this, as it can become a replacement addiction - happened to me - but exercise can really help burn off the blah. It needs to be hard, fast and balanced with an equal amount of yoga/pilates stretchy, meditative stuff. The hard work generates lots of feel-good endorphins while the careful work puts you more in touch with yourself (and gives you long, flexible curves).

The caution is because this regime replicates the adrenalin roller-coaster, in a healthier way! Be careful not to let it take over your life. And make sure you eat enough.

(Had visitors while typing this but posting anyway.)

[garlicnutty]

Yikes, looks like I should have caught up before hitting send! You don't need that ^^ advice, do you.

I don't know what to say about DD. It must be hard to even talk with her, as she's living there. Do you write?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

No I do garlic need any advice thankyou

It's dd2 who's not come back she lives with me.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I wrote this week and surprised myself it came out as a poem, it helped x

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Im gonna drive up to his to get her x
There's nothing else to do x

[Offred]

You need to be strong against him to do that. Can you manage or is it really that you might want to be close to him?

[garlicnutty]

Oh, no, have you gone?

Good to hear about your poem! :)

Tell us what happens.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Well I hanvnt got dd back, not had any contact either.

I didn't drive up in the end, dd I'm sure thinks it's great to skip school, I don't.

I don't want to contact him, I'm not going to.

[izzyizin]

Is there any reason why you haven't reported dd2's absence from your home to the police and asked them to return her to you?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I don't know probably because she's 11 if I forse her it will be worse.

[izzyizin]

That is misguided thinking. As I understand it, she is not allowed to have overnight stays yet this is now the third night she's been absent from your home.

You need to assert your authority over your dc while you still have it to exert.

[garlicnutty]

Well done for not going, Waiting. I think you do need to keep your distance while you start putting more helpful things in your head. YY, he's breaking the law. He's keeping her off school too? I agree with Izzy, call the cops.

Quite a bit of this is feeling like you've used up your entitlement to bring in the authorities, I imagine. You haven't. There are people who call the police three times a week, ever week, they still respond! If X is keeping your daughter off school, he's damaging her prospects isn't he. I'd say call them!

[izzyizin]

From Erin Pizzey's book 'Prone to Violence' which, although out of print, can be read online:

In examining why some women stay with violent and abusive men after having been warned that to do so may result in their death, Ms Pizzey wrote: 'the chaos, anarchy and drama of the violent relationships which they have lived through has created within them a special urge to continually relive the excitement of what they have left behind. The dramas in their relationships seem endless and in these conflagrations chaos reigns. Children in such a situation feel the ebb and flow of fear and excitement. Soon they grow from terrified unwilling spectators to active manipulators in the family war'

Although he used more subtle means than physical violence to control you, Waiting, the result has been the same in that you continually relive certain excitements of what you have left behind.

In additon, the dc were raised to be completely subservient to his will. His voice was the only one heard in your former household and your dcs were repressed to a point where their behaviour was unnaturally 'good' both at home and at school.

Unsurprisingly, after he was forced to leave your former home it became a case of 'the king is dead long live the king' as your eldest dc attempted to rule the roost in much the same way as his f had done. It would appear that you dealt with this by shipping him off to his f where there will be little opportunity for him to become anything other than a chip off the old block.

From what you have said, his attentions to your eldest dd once she reached the age of puberty were the equivalent of grooming and, unsurprisingly, after the departure of her f from the former family home, she aligned herself with him, became his 'spy in the enemy camp', and sought to undermine and flout your authority at every turn.

Having been freed from the suppressive effect of their f's presence, after assauging their fear that he would return the younger dc ran amok causing you to doubt your ability to exercise appropriate parental control over their behaviour.

Having become overwhelmed by the demands of dc whose corks had been popped and who were fizzing with energy, you encouraged them to go with their f on every possible occasion so that you could get some peace thus making a mockery of any objection you had to him having contact with them and enabling him to use this in his campaign against you.

The fact that he's broken bail and violently attacked you on numerous occasions without you having reported him to the police, together with you having withdrawn charges against him on several occasions, has enabled him to make you out to be a liar and may have contributed to the lifting of the non-molestation Order you obtained against him.

Your 2 eldest dc have become, in Erin Pizzey's words, 'manipulators in the family war', and in siding with him, you are effectively fighting him and 2 of his clones plus, of course, the 2 of your close relatives that he already holds in thrall to him.

And now he has turned his attention to your younger dd who, coincidentally, is also approaching puberty.

You fear that if you use the police to return her to your home against her will it may turn her against you and may cause the Court to look unfavourably at you for involving the police in this matter.

However, if you leave her with him, he will undoubtedly poison her against you and, given that you gave your consent to her spending one night with him in flagrant disregard of the Court's wishes, the Court may take the view that any objection you may have to your dc having unrestricted and unsupervised contact with their df is unfounded. Should that come to pass, he will make good his vow to have every one of your dc off you unless you wise up and fight him tooth and nail.

His previous behaviour to the dc was such that, even though they dared not say a word out of place in his presence, they craved his approval and were jealous when dd1 became his obviously favoured child.

By morphing from tyrant to fun daddy who let's them get away with things mummy wouldn't tolerate and who, as no doubt he's explained while making much of them at his local, was only tyrant daddy because of mummy's real or perceived faults, he's reinforced the control he already had over them and further convinced them that black is white if he says it is.

You've had chance after chance to expose this man and every support and encouragement to keep him out of the l Can you not see him for the monster