Is this normal ?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

For him to tell me he's going to smother me ..
I do know it's not normal in a way but do people put up with it because it's 'their' normal and that's just how my life is?
Some people wil have non of this going on for them so to them it's a big NO that's wrong, others maybe it happens , there told he's going to kill them?
I have no idea if I'm making any sense ?

[Offred]

It absolutely definitely positively is harming your children. However harmed you are times that by at least 10 for your dcs.

I think people will help you but you need to be honest with them and stick with the support they give you. It really doesnt matter if you have lied before, break that pattern and they will be eager to help and will have seen it all before. They can't change this for you and your dc (other than for SS to take over care of the dcs when you are dead, in hospital recovering from injuries or consistently failing to protect them from dv), only you can do this, the services can help you access the things you need for you to make it better but you will have to do it.

[AlistairSim]

OP, how can you say it is not harming your children and then say how sad it makes you to hear your son say things?
That is harming him.

There is help out there for you but you have to step up and take it.

Please call Women's Aid and tell them everything.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

It harms your children because you are teaching them whats normal and acceptable.

You say in your first post about it being peoples norm...well you are making it your childrens norm. They will grow up accepting poor treatment and abuse from others. Do you want that?

If you cannot get rid of him, then put your children up for adoption. As their mother its the least you can do.

I dont know about the previous threads, but if he has specific sexual desires then how long will it be until his attentions turn to them.

You need to make a choice. Him or your kids.

[MsFanackerPants]

You need some help but you also have to take some personal responsibility. Have you contacted WA, requested the Freedom Programme? If you get/have a non-molestation order, you have to stick to it. The police will be frustrated, because they don't want to see a woman being battered about and then keep going back to the man who does it. They don't want to think about those kids in the house knowing their mum is being hurt. Likewise with friends, they will no doubt be frustrated that you cannot do what is healthy, sane and right, but they will help you if you need it.

Your HV was probably stunned by the level of denial that you have, what were some of the reasons? Don't for one minute think she was condoning you restarting the relationship

Did you mistype this bit ?
"I kinda don't see how it harms my children?" It's considered abuse to allow your children to live in a home where domestic abuse takes place, even if they are not hit themselves. It is emotional abuse, it is neglectful parenting. He is a not a good man or a good father or a good partner. They will grow up to think abuse, either giving or receiving is normal.

You're right, you do need intense help, you need to unlearn what you have become so used to, but you have to start that. Nobody else can do it for you, that's what people are trying to tell you.

If you can't see a life beyond being with him, can you see a life without your children? Can you imagine what it would be like to have your 5 kids taken away, and any future children removed at birth, because that can and does happen.

What would help you stop this? Can you think what would help you to break contact?

[handbagCrab]

I don't know you or your backstory, this sounds horrendous.

You know this man is bad for you and your dc so why do you to back to him? What do you think about that? (not what he thinks or what he would say).

Do you love your dc more/less/the same as you love this man? Be honest with yourself. Maybe it would be better for your children to grow up away from you and this man if you don't love them enough to stop contact. Apologies if that is harsh, but from what you say you are putting your feelings for this man above your feelings for your dc.

If you have no friends, no family, no ties how about a move? You've nothing to lose after all apart from your proximity to this man.

The world can be a beautiful place full of good people and it can be a terrible place full of bastards. As an intelligent adult in the western world you can make choices to move towards the beauty and away from the shit. You're taking that choice away from your children at the moment and putting them in shit and I can guarantee they will never, ever thank you for it.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

wannabe Yes I understand they copy what they see and hear.

mspants I feel I have tried really hard, Iv fought and fought alongside buckle and drowned, and get lost and confused again.
I went to a stronger families group, I started freedom program last Tuesday, I have had a non mol but lost it now.I have a panic alarm in my house.
I text the officer from the DASU but she never replied.
I along with him have worked together well havnt we to cover up to the outside world, when I speak out he guides me back in like a ship telling me what to say and do.

I'd love to move
Think he'd find me and it's a bit imposable with no help ? And so many dc in toe and then I'd never see the two dc that are with him .

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Its more than copying. You are implanting it into their thought processes.

[Offred]

Go into a refuge far away from where you are. I do think a lot of what you say is making excuses to still be involved in his drama, you have a lot of experience of services by the sounds of it and much more than me but to me your options seem clearly set out and you are choosing staying with him over leaving.

The children are not copying, they are learning about what is normal and they run the risk of modelling what they have seen when they are young adults and beyond.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Feel addicted to him his ways, feel he feeds what I need, he is a drug my drug.

I'm know things are very wrong and that's why I'm here, I guess I'm saying go easy on me but then I deseve it.

[Offred]

I think it was correct when people said your feelings for him are stronger than your feelings for your DC - is this down to the circs of their conceptions? Am I way off here?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I think if you do one rational thing in your life it should be to lift the phone to SS and give up your kids. Sorry if thats harsh. But they deserve better than what you can provide.

[Offred]

And please believe me when I say my heart goes out to you and your pain and difficulty, you do not deserve cruelty but what you are doing by not choosing your children over him is forcing everyone around you to choose your innocent children over you. If you continue on this path something will happen to those children, it is quite unlikely that if he is now beating you regularly that you won't end up in hospital or dead (Especially if there was sexual abuse previously) and social services will take the children and it will be hard to get them back given your history of lying to the police.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

It's hard to explain but it feels like I know he's no good, after all I left last oct, I removed my kids from it all, my feeling for him are strong but I do love my children and despite what people think I do want what's best for them
I feel I'm weaning myself from him slowly prob to slowly but I see no future nothing I have no one in this world, he made sure of it.

I can see I need to do something, and I'm not giving up my dc, I'm all they have.

[handbagCrab]

Ok, if you're being honest and you feel addicted to him then you need to work on that. He is only a man. There are several billion men out there that he is just one of. He's nothing special.

Your children deserve a good mum who puts their needs first. If they can have a good dad also, that's brilliant, but this man is not and cannot be a good dad. You need to decide if you can be a good mum. If you can't then you need to give them a chance with someone else. They deserve nothing less.

Every time you lie for him or listen to him or read a text or take a phone call or answer the door you're making a choice. You don't have to do any of those things. You choose to do them. You can choose not to do them too. Until you are able to do that then you will be stuck where you are. Again, if you can't make a change for yourself at least do something to help your dcs.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Children's services know about the sexual abuse and they have chose to do nothing, he cares for my daughter and they know the extent of it.
It's impossible when your in it

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I think weaning isnt going to help really. I think cutting it completely is the only way. Get a third party to help with the arrangements for the kids he has that I assume you see. Change the locks and your phone number. Make arrangements to move house.

If you were a drug addict who couldnt provide a stable home, the kids would already be gone. You have to stop giving in to the addiction.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I want to move away seems the only answer in my head

[weegiemum]

My best friends dh tried to smother her. She escaped because she was working at the time in a residential house for teens with severe LDs and had learned how to break a hold.

She moved 500 miles to get away from him!

[handbagCrab]

He's allowed to look after your daughter, she doesn't live with you?!

Is this because you're lying to ss and the police about what a horrible man he is and so they are not aware what he is truly like?

Your poor dd. you can see how damaging this is for you, how can you choose to put defenceless children in the same situation?

[Offred]

Children's services won't do it for you, as I said before you have to do it for yourself and for your dc and you use the services and what they can offer to support you doing it yourself. No-one is going to come and rescue you, they may one day take your children, probably to live in the slightly less bad hell of foster care and they will likely be split up from one another as no-one will take all 5. You have to take action to protect your children by any means at your disposal.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I didn't chose to put dd there, she's got her own sw, I told them what he did.

I carnt make her live with me.

[handbagCrab]

Why did she choose to live with him then?

Is it perhaps because she has a really fucked up way of looking at him and at you because of how you have behaved with regards to the way he has treated you?

Would ss let her live there if you had pressed charges do you think?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

He's controlling over everyone especially her, I'd get her out if I thought I could.
Non of the dc have respect for me he is the 'master' if you like, they have no confidence in me because he takes it all away.
I'm nothing so no one sees me as anything iyswim.

What he tells the dc they believe.

Iv never had any validation I don't think.

[handbagCrab]

Perhaps they are doing it out of self preservation? Maybe being on his side is seen as safer than being on yours in your house?

It is unbelievably wrong that children are so far involved in this dysfunction that they take sides and join in, can you see that?

You aren't nothing. You are a human being. You deserve warmth, care and love and in return you can give out warmth, care and love. Your dc deserve the same and they cannot get it and neither can you with your current set up. What are you going to change?

[weegiemum]

Eek sorr I posted on this last night and again this morning thinking it was a different thread!

Advice is the same though!