Is this normal ?

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

For him to tell me he's going to smother me ..
I do know it's not normal in a way but do people put up with it because it's 'their' normal and that's just how my life is?
Some people wil have non of this going on for them so to them it's a big NO that's wrong, others maybe it happens , there told he's going to kill them?
I have no idea if I'm making any sense ?

[garlicnutty]

Yes. It's difficult :(

It actually would be a good idea to post a sort of diary on here, Waiting. I think people have suggested this before. I understand it can feel really hard to even say the truth to yourself, let alone write it down. But it's the truth, so why not?
Take pictures of any damage he does, too, and save them.

Obviously, I'd rather that it never happens again because you never let him in again

[garlicnutty]

that was to your post before last, Izzy

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Izzy, your hostility shocks me. It can be very frustrating on the outside of these situations. But that is the nature of the problem.

I have been stern here. More so than normal. Because I can see that not much else has worked. And her DCs are in immediate danger. But I feel you are too involved in this Izzy.

[garlicnutty]

YY, Izzy. I can't see the benefit of paraphrasing what OP's abuser already tells her. I hear your frustration - but, if you basically agree with him, why post as much?

[izzyizin]

As evidenced by the extensive and protracted communication I've engaged in with her, I'm not hostile to the OP, wannabe.

You may consider this to be 'over involvement' but after what occurred on a thread the OP posted last year, I endeavoured to give her the support and encouragement she claimed she was not receiving in rl and which she could not access here and, to this end, I made myself available to her 24/7

Being privy to information given to me by the OP and which I regard as being for my eyes only, it is my considered opinion that at this particular point in time it is vital to the welfare and wellbeing of the dc for the OP to stop lying to the authorities about the extent and nature of his previous and continued abuse of her.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

That may be the case. But your tone is no better than her abuser.

Women in these situations often end up frustrating those who are trying to help. If you cannot control your frustrations I suggest you step away from the situation. She doesnt need further reasons to retreat back to him.

I do urge the OP to start being honest with herself and the authorities.

[izzyizin]

I am not hostile to the OP nor am I frustrated with her and, although I freely admit to having been despairing on occasion during my lengthy correspondence with her, I am not despairing on this occasion as there is far too much to play for and I believe that the OP has it in her to find the courage and the strength to do what needs to be done, wannabe.

How would you propose that the OP starts 'being honest with herself' and what would you suggest should be her approach to the authorities some of whom, I suspect, have become more frustrated with the OP than you appear to believe I am?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I never claimed to have the answers. Im simply saying that your tone has made me uncomfortable. I cant see how it would help the OP.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I feel that as me and izzy have so much intense communication for a prolonged time we have a style of writing to each other and at times I feel she's been alittle harsh but defiantly not without good reason.

Izzy has an understanding side of communicating with me too

I have given izzy a tough time, and I do throw mud back

I understand everything she's writen and I know as well as she does the reasons behind things I do because she or someone else has explained it on other threads.

I'm struggling with honisty Iv never 'let anyone in' to the full truth I don't think I know the full truth myself.
I have lernt to trust no one and to survive I have to lie daily.I lie to him to survive, I have to lie about things.
I don't want to btw.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Do you really think I'd be a risk at a refuge ?

[garlicnutty]

I think she meant you'd be A risk, Waiting, as she feels you'd tell your ex where it was and let him in.

Is she right??

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

If you don't take control of this situation now, right now, your kids will never recover.

If you survive this game somehow, you'll spend forever watching them struggle and suffer, and not being able to help.

As someone who as abused, I can categorically say that I will never be able to forgive anyone who could of helped me and did not. Who could have saved me.

My life will never be normal. You risk the same with your children. They did not choose this life, or to play this game. Just like I didn't.

Its time to stop making excuses. Write on your hand that you can and must do it, and stop playing now. Look at a picture of your children when you feel weak, and remember that this is for their sakes.

Prove to yourself that you can do this. Walk away, and save them. You clearly love your children, so stop allowing them to be pawns in this game, in the sick power struggle, and be the mum you can be.

If you can't do that, if your addiction to him means more to you than your children do, give them up. If you can't, if you can't live without them, than go cold turkey now and get rid of the addiction. If not for your sake, than for your childrens.

You are teaching your children that this is okay. That you, and them, are worthless. That this type of relationship is normal.

My mum didn't live long enough to ID my sisters abused body. I had too.

[izzyizin]

I'm so very sorry that you had that particularly harrowing experience, Memoria.

I've no doubt it's seared on your memory, but perhaps it was a blessing that your mum didn't live long enough to suffer that ordeal and go through the agony of attending the funeral of her child.

[RoomForASmallOne]

OP I don't know your back story but this is obviously a very fucked up situation.

Only you can decide if your kids are worth more to you than the monster you are tangled up with.
And saying it means bugger all until you take action to protect them.
I don't know if you are capable of doing that, well of course you are capable of protecting them but atm are you willing??

I think it was izzy that said earlier that no one died from eating humble pie and I wholeheartedly agree with her.
You need to go back to the agencies who have been involved (SS, Police etc) and seek their help again.

You are obviously aware this life is wrong, get your kids out of it now.
If this means handing over custody to SS, then do it if it means your children will be safe and have a chance of normality.
You need support but you need to start accepting responsibilty too.

Your DCs safety is your first priority, you can deal with your emotional issues after.

[Offred]

If you didn't choose to have your children you do feel differently about them than other people. I don't think it is as simple as not loving them enough in that situation.

[RoomForASmallOne]

Offred

I did choose to have my children so I accept I don't understand how that would feel.
I hope I didn't cause offence.

[Offred]

The children need protecting no matter what the circs of their conception clearly but the emotional difficulties are very tied up with the protection IYSWIM.

[RoomForASmallOne]

I do see what you mean

I hope professional agencies can help the OP untangle this.

The whole situation, as bad as it is, can be improved if the OP acts now.

Her partner sounds totally capable of carrying out his threats.

[Markingthehours]

I'm not sure what you are asking there Waiting?

Do you mean, would you be safe at a refuge? You certainly would. They are specialists in keeping women safe. In my opinion, and I only know what has been suggested on this thread, you'd be doing the very best thing you could to ask for a place in a refuge for you and the DC.

On the other hand if you asking if you'd be a risk to the other people at the refuge, don't worry about that. They will be able to keep you and Dc safe.

You have to do something Waiting. Being under threat of being killed means this is the time to act. Why not ask for a refuge when you next go to the Freedom programme?

Otherwise you really should get your DC out of this situation. If asking for them to be taken into care is the only way to keep them safe then you have to do that.

Up thread, AlisairSlim asked whay you thought would help you and you said you had done well in the past with a lot of support - you'd get that in a refuge.

[garlicnutty]

Your post was harrowing to read, CajaDeLaMemoria. Thanks for sharing.

How are you doing, Waiting?

[izzyizin]

It's unfortunate that the lack of information on this thread may lead some to run with the wrong ball.

Other threads the OP has posted in her former incarnations will reveal that, presupposing they are willing to leave their father, one of her dcs would, by virtue of age and sex, be unable accompany her to a refuge. Another dc would point blank refuse to go and, as that dc is unbelievably also currently living with their father, cannot be compelled to accompany her.

Another dc who is living with the OP is the subject of considerable manipulation by their father and would also no doubt refuse to move yet again if such a move would take them further from him.

No women's refuge that I know of will be able to keep the OP and all of her dc safe as they will not be able to prevent the elder dc from revealing their whereabouts to their father, the OP's abuser, if the OP herself is able to constrain herself from doing so.

If such a refuge were to exist, and were the OP able to enter it with all of her dc, problems would arise when the time came for the OP and her dc to be rehoused. Even if the OP were able to change her name and those of her dc and relocate hundreds of miles away from her abuser, it is improbable that all of the dc would agree to keep and maintain radio silence, as it were.

Indeed, one of her dc has proved capable of considerable deviousness which went some way to sabotage the OP's early efforts to keep herself safe from her abuser and his lack of boundaries. It also gave her abuser opportunity to paint the OP in a less than flattering light to certain agencies and bodies thus gaining him a credibility that has enabled him to gain unfair and wholly undeserved advantage.

It should also be understood that, given the current circumstances, if the OP enters a refuge at this late stage her dc will be irrevocably divided. Some may subsequently add abandonment to the long of list of maltreatment they have suffered during their early years and, as Memoria has said, as adults, turn against the OP for failing to save them when she had opportunity to do so. Any hurt and grievance they may feel would be further compounded were the OP to take her younger dc and, effectively, disappear off the face of the earth.

In addition there is a far more compelling reason why the OP should resist the temptation to take the line of least resistance at the present time which is that there may be opportunity for all of her dc to be reunited under her roof in the very near future.

In order for this to come to pass, the OP will need to draw on the inner strength she undoubtedly possesses, shake off the mental shackles that he used to imprison her and which need no longer bind her, and redress the untruths she has told by accounting for her lack of honesty to those who have the power to help and support her to bring about positive change to her life and the lives of her dc.

For anyone who remains in any doubt that staying put and standing firm is the wrong advice to give this OP, such is the current parlous state of affairs that if the OP were to ask SS to take her remaining dc into care it is probable that they would be placed with their father.

[Offred]

Not sure I'm "running with the wrong ball" izzy.

Nothing you've said is a surprise and it doesn't change the advice I gave either. I do not believe that the op is going to be able to get some psychological distance from her abuser by staying where she is. If some of the children can't come to a refuge it doesn't mean it wouldn't be a good idea still. Psychological distance is much easier if you have physical separation and if your children are a result of sexual abuse they form part of the perceived controlling environment, it is very hard for them to be a reason for you to get better.

If social services would place the children with the father and a couple of them are being drawn into the abuse perhaps time away and a proper investment into psychological change would be more effective than trying to incrementally gather strength in a toxic environment (which she has found impossible) and this may be a sacrifice very much worth making. Providing it gave the op real strength. Without the focus of the abuse being on their mother the children may also begin to see their dad in a different light too.

I do also think she needs really intensive therapy too.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I have to admit I feel a little bit confused about refuge,

I agree with izzy about the dc, but I do need a 'break' from him.

I need the head space.
I actaly feel stuck in a nightmare situation with no way out, if I built strength to him by whatever means refuge or not I don't feel he will ever get out of my head, leave me alone even if it's through 3 rd party, stop using and manipulating the dc.

I'm not giving up but I know him he's a snack that suffocates you, and don't stop till he's done it.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

• snake

[Offred]

He's a snake that gets you to suffocate yourself waiting and you can take back the control.