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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

222 replies

worrywortisworrying · 19/07/2012 20:50

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

OP posts:
TheEternalOptimist · 19/07/2012 20:53

I presume that you have talked to him about this? What does he say?

HumphreyCobbler · 19/07/2012 20:54

Go out now so that he will have to put them to bed.

Does he do any hands on child care at all?

justonemorethread · 19/07/2012 20:54

Watching with interest... Similarish thing here.

Rosebud05 · 19/07/2012 20:55

Tell him that he gets to be fun ALL WEEKEND.

Then take yourself off somewhere during the day on Saturday and Sunday (or stay in and send him out) and see how that goes.

HumphreyCobbler · 19/07/2012 20:55

sorry I see you already stated you do it all

really, just shout up the stairs you are going out and have a quick drink somewhere

itsthequietones · 19/07/2012 20:57

Dh still does this to an extent. However I did implement the rule of 'if you wind them up at bedtime then you get them to sleep' - it worked for me and bedtimes are now fairly relaxed and easy.

itsthequietones · 19/07/2012 20:58

I did have to leave the house a few times until he got the message that I wasn't going to give in and take over.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2012 20:59

I think that as they love him so much and he is such fun, he should put them to bed every weeknight. So you need to get yourself something to do each night. Fancy starting to run? You could go out at 8.30 and get back by 9.30 - should cure him.

Iggly · 19/07/2012 21:04

Tell him not to undermine you. That there are rules and consequences - its not about being the fun one. If he does that, it confuses them and does them no favours in the long run.

Have you asked him why he does it? DH and I are very hot on being consistent and backing each other up.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/07/2012 21:07

Yes - take yourself out for the evenings! Cinema, walk, pub, visit friends, whatever.

I am WOHP, DH is SAHP but I do 90% of bedtimes and most of the weekends - tis only fair?

tinkertitonk · 19/07/2012 22:18

You are overriding/undermining him as much as he is you.

How old are your children? Does it matter when they go to bed?

AnnieLobeseder · 19/07/2012 22:25

Rule 1 of parenting is that you always back each other up if front of the children, even if you don't actually agree. What is he trying to achieve? Does he maybe feel guilty about not spending as much time as he'd like with them? Or else he's just an arse who doesn't care about a) making you look bad or b) making more work for you.

You need to talk very seriously about this. And if he won't listen, I daresay his level of respect for you is somewhat lower than it should be in a healthy relationship.

The whole point of being in a partnership and parenting together is to help each other out and share the load. It just can't work if one person in the partnership is actually increasing the load of the other.

Original poster
worrywortisworrying · 20/07/2012 06:22

Tinkertitonk - how on earth I undermine him is beyond me. I have been up since 5 with cranky DS, who didn't go to bed till after 9. He is 4..

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 20/07/2012 08:11

Perhaps you could sit him down and talk about the way you were parented when you were young. It might help you to get an insight into why he does this.

For example, perhaps he feels he didn't have much fun with his dad and grew up distant from him? Perhaps his own mum did everything so he thinks that what mums 'do'.

Original poster
worrywortisworrying · 20/07/2012 08:30

Deck - thankyou for your post. You are right. DH never had a relationship with his father. Hasn't seen him since he was 3 or 4. I don't mind 'doing everything'. My problem is when he comes in, he seems to think that he can do what he likes (which he can) without consequence (which, for him, there aren't)

I've been up since 5am with a seriously cranky DS (who is HFA at the best of times, so being TOTALLY confrontational today) but DH slept until 6am and then got up, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, shower etc, before sitting in the car for 40 minutes and listening to the news. Slightly different to the chaotic morning I've had here, trying to get DD to nursery before 8:30, as I have no car after that today and DS refusing to get dressed, so I just sat him in the car in his PJs and he is now refusing to do anything except play with trains, even though I have loads to do today and have to walk everywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrywortisworrying · 20/07/2012 08:32

Oh, I should mention: there is a car sitting on our driveway. Only, I'm not allowed use it. Well, DH didn't actually say no. But he refused to say yes either, when I asked.

OP posts:
TheEternalOptimist · 20/07/2012 08:34

He sits in the car and listens to the radio while you get the kids ready? And you are not allowed to use the car so have to walk.

Sweetheart, the bedtime ritual is not on even on the scale of things that are wrong with this picture.

Why can't you use the car? Are the keys there?

AmberLeaf · 20/07/2012 08:34

Get the keys and drive the car.

Don't be a martyr!

fridayfreedom · 20/07/2012 08:37

you're not allowed to use it? whose car is it and is it insured for you?

Gigondas · 20/07/2012 08:37

You have to ask your dh to use a car? What is that about?

And I do sort of see the earlier posters point about you enabling your dh- you are there to do all this for dc so there is no fall out for dh. The idea of disappearing for an hour at bedtime so he can deal with consequences is a good one.

It's not a criticism btw as you are doing all the hard stuff but it sounds like something has to give to able your dh to start toning down the white knight bit.

Original poster
worrywortisworrying · 20/07/2012 08:38

Yes, keys are here.

I wouldn't dare. I'll kerb it or scratch it or something. I will. It's one of those things when you are like 'I must not, I must not, I must not. Oh. I did'

He sits in the car while he's driving to work. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
worrywortisworrying · 20/07/2012 08:40

gigondas - I had a thread a few days ago, about my DH going mental because I went to bed at 9:30 last Friday and didn't get up with DS at 10pm. Bailing out would cause more problems than it would solve.

Actually, I have never been in either of DH's cars. Ever.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 20/07/2012 08:41

I think you have bigger issues actually if there is a car sitting in your drive which you need and you feel unable to use it because your DH hasn't sanctioned it.

saythatagain · 20/07/2012 08:41

You're not allowed to use the car?
As Amberleaf says, use the car.

AmberLeaf · 20/07/2012 08:42

Leave the bastard.

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